jen gray

familia. . . . .

lizzy and belle, canon 20 d

that's my little niece in there.
and that's my older (who has always looked younger!) sister sportin' that big ball of loving in her mid-section.

maybe its because we are older now, maybe its because the last time we had a little baby in our family was nearly 20 years ago, maybe its because we just never expected such a miracle to have happened to her, to us...

but we are fascinated. and ridiculously giddy. and in complete wonder.

and my feeling for the importance of family is stronger now than it ever has been. it's as if this baby is pulling us together with a magical gravitational pull.

after having such a good time over the past few days,
we began to talk about how we would really like to move closer to one another ~ and how the miles between colorado, illinois, vermont, and florida is just too much. it would make me so happy to have my family all in one place...

being together somehow makes me feel like everything will always be okay. . .

and i have a feeling that little Belle has a lot to do with it all.

Happy Mother's Day. . . .

siblings, naples ~ canon 20 d

we love you mom.
thank you for making our lives so much more easier.
and for teaching us how to laugh from our belly's.
and for letting us know that no matter what happens in our lives,
you will be there for us.

its been so fun being all together again....

lizzy, chris, and jen

snap.

costa coast, canon 20 d

i hate the way judgement feels inside of me.
i hate how i have the nerve to make an analysis of someone else's life and
assume i must somehow have an imperial type of wisdom that allows me to
do so.

i try to remind myself that we really dont know another person's story, or what bag of pain they are carrying. or that anger sometimes is disguising incredible fear and arrogance often is disguising deep insecurity.

i caught her looking at the way i was dressed (red skirt, pink shoes and a shirt that said "spicy") and raising her eyebrow at my tattoo and looking at me like this somehow made me the wild tramp of her exclusive community. i in turn, returned the judgement by assuming she was, well,.. never mind my thoughts, but i stopped what i was doing and stared her right back down until she looked away and pretended to be busy digging in her purse.

and i realized how ugly this human transaction was and how quickly miles are put between people. and so i tried to imagine what it was like to be her, and what experiences she had in her life, and why it seemed her face seemed so unfamiliar with the expression of a smile.

and i tried to send her love and prayers and erase the negative thoughts i threw her way. but im not sure that worked. and i felt badly.

anyhow, it just reminded me of how i wish to be free of making snap judgments even if they are preceded by snaps thrown in my direction. i missed a moment to be loving, i met her judgement and probably reinforced it.

knowing the way my life works, ill be applying for a job next week and she will be the one interviewing me. and i'll get to learn this lesson all over again.

and so it goes...

dream house.

there, costa rica ~ canon 20 d

and i would play in the yard as you played your guitar. and we would eat sliced mango on the front porch and shower in the pouring rains and rest at night to the sounds of the singing frogs.

and we would open the windows wide and hang sea glass wind chimes by the door and eat fish tacos and avocados sprinkled with fresh lime.

and we would have no tv or phone or computer but would spend our days exploring the land and resting in the peace and the beauty of the natural world.

and all the chaos of life in suburbia and the corporate buzz would be a distant memory.

it would be ours and it would be all we would ever need.

same kind of different.

pink feather, hermosa beach, costa rica ~ canon 20 d

�Whether we is rich or poor or something in between, this earth ain�t no final restin place. So in a way, we is all homeless-just workin our way toward home.�
~Denver Moore

rainforest, canon 20 d

Not sure where to go,
Everybody I know,
Says I'm too forgiving.
And now that I'm gone,
I don't wanna move on,
I just keep you living.

All good things.
Oh I wish you,
All good things.
Come to an end.
All good things.
Oh I wish you well.

This box inside of my head,
Empty side of the bed,
I fill this place without you.
I keep pushing the bruise,
'Cause I don't want to lose,
What I love about you.

All good things.
Oh I wish you,
All good things.
Come to an end.
All good things.
Oh I wish you well...

I could think of a million ways,
You've proved you're one to one.
So live inside of your shades of gray,
And nevermind the sunshine that I'll find.

I got so much space now,
I got a whole house,
With the wind blowing through.
I don't need somewhere to hide,
I got this whole world inside,
I was accustomed to showing you.

All good things.
Oh I wish you,
All good things.
Come to an end.
All good things.
Oh I wish you well...
All good things.
Ohhhh, ohh, ohh
All good things.
Ohh, ohh, ohh
All good things.
Oh I wish you well.

~ the wonderful Weepies.

old friend ....

black sands, costa rica ~ canon 20d

she had been through it.
possibly the worst i could ever imagine.
and she has come out on the other side of things.
forever changed but so so real and genuine and beautiful.

she had been through it.
the nightmare that lasted a couple years.
with ugly lies behind every corner.
and she made it out alive and strong and so very wise.

she had been through it.
the thing that would have dissolved my faith in god and humans and life.
but she held on and she never let go of what she remembered
to be most important... and she is lifetimes ahead of all of us and
she doesnt even know it.

not only had she been through it, but those innocent babies had as well.
and though she could barely lift her head on most days, she took charge as a fierce momma lion, and made sure they got everything they needed even when her barrel was broken and empty. and i think she is one of the most bravest moms i know. and those kids are so grounded and so amazing and so so incredible.

we had lunch the other day. and she said to me:

"im really happy with my life today"

and it was like the best news i had heard all year. to see a friend come out on the other side of things is seriously one of the most sacred things in life to witness.
to see a broken spirit transform into strength, courage, wisdom , and love is
a priceless miracle.

im so very proud of you.

Fourteen. . .

little flowers, canon 20d

my prayers, my heart, my thoughts,
to the Cecala family.

When something like this happens, we all go to the place of
"if only..." I know his parents, his coaches, his friends, his teachers, his
siblings, his team mates, are all thinking about the last words spoken, the last
emotions exchanged...

These thoughts can torture.

Guilt drives us to focus on every single thing we didnt do perfectly.
And guilt erases every single thing that we did just right.

I think what we have to remember is that, there is an unexplained mystery to life and death that is beyond our control and beyond our ability to understand.

I would like to believe that once the soul is free from the tangles of this human life, that only the beautiful memories remain in their heart. I am certain that if this sweet boy could leave one last message he would beg of you all to remember the deep love, and the wonderful friendships, and the victories, and the humor, and the joy that each of you shared with him.

But I know, it takes a long time to get to a place of peace when the loss leaves you torn from head to toe. . .

Life gets to be pretty fast.
And life turns on a dime.
And sometimes things just dont make any sense.

"you and me,
walk on,
walk on,
walk on,
because you cant go back now..."
~ the weepies

spring shoe pick 2008

what i wore, canon 20 d

if i have to pick one shoe to plug this spring
it is,
hands down,
these shoes from dr. scholls.

they are seriously the most comfortable shoes i have ever worn.

you can wear them with a cute skirt
or hike through a muddy jungle
all in the same day.

after school special. . . .

playground, costa rica ~ canon 20 d

please dont ever let me forget how much better it is when we take the time to play...

..............

perro perdido, costa rica

pura vida.

mud baths, canon 20 d

one of the most spectacular days of our trip
involved loads of mud and sweat.

after climbing down the mountain, through the rain forest,
we came upon a river that made natural swimming pools
around the rocks.... above us we could here the waterfall
and around us we heard the monkeys, wild birds, frogs, and
noises we couldnt identify.

the best is that no other human was around.

on the banks of the river was this magical mud...the best mud in the whole wide world. you plaster it all over your body and then lay on the rocks in the sun.
and im telling you, it blows any spa treatment right out of the water.

i remember saying,
"this is one of the most happiest days of my life..."

and it was.

in that moment i had no worries, no chatter in the head, no looming heaviness,
no bills, no bad health, no feeling of confinement.

i felt totally free and totally connected to the the earth and god and the sky
and the jungle.

i know i am at my happiest when i am swallowed up in nature, away from all things human.... and on the very deepest and primal level, its where i feel i am truly home.

afterwards, as the rushing waters washed off the mud, my skin was left to feel as soft as silk. this was the first time i can remember actually loving the way my skin felt...

the hike back up the mountain took us by surprise.
imagine a trail so steep that each step took every ounce of
effort and you found yourself grasping at the vines and the roots of
trees to pull your body along. my heart was beating through my head and
i have never, and i mean NEVER, sweated so profusely.

it was like the most ultimate detox experience~
mind, body and soul.

i was completely humbled and honored as a guest in this sacred land.
one of those spiritual mystical times that words have no ability to describe..

indeed, one of the most happiest days of my life....

day 5 ....

see ya later gator, canon 20 d

my inner tom-boy has been in full force down here. .
today we saw these guys in the water below us.
no cages, and no cheesy guy throwing them dead meat.
just wild and free and so close that i had to resist the urge
with all my might to get even closer.

watching chipmunks at the bird feeder back home
somehow isnt going to cut it anymore.

uh yeah. got the bug., perhaps worse than ever before.

drag me kicking and screaming through the airport i fear. ..

*Happy Birthday Dad! Wish you were here!***

day 3....

boa, canon 20 d

boas.
monkeys.
toucans.
coaties. (yeah, we had no clue either)
poison dart frogs.

and none of these were in a zoo!

****HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUE! WE KNOW YOU ARE LOVING THE SNAKE PHOTO!****

day 2.....

sunset stadium, canon 20 d

ocean.
mountains.
music.
sunset.

my kind of day. . .