what it's like.
where the streets have no name, yelapa
it's like a time warp.
it's like going to a foreign place,
or feeling like an alien.
it's like having a swiss cheese heart.
it's like the kind of tired you get if you've had too much cold medicine.
it's like being lost in your own home town.
it's like wearing headphones and listening to a song called "Fog."
i try to pay attention,
i really do...
i try to be present, to listen,
i try to act "normal" and not disrupt anything, anyone ~
but the truth is,
i am a million miles away....
all i think about is my Mom.
and there are moments i have buckets of tears just waiting to spill.
so many things remind me of her,
just hearing the word "Mom"
or when driving down the road i take home from work, where we would have our chats. i think of mom when i go to each and every room in our house. she is everywhere i turn... .
the thing is, i want these memories, they make me feel close to her.
and the crying eventually gives way to some kind of release.
Ive been reading alot about grief, you know, my attempt at finding a map in all of this, and I love this quote by Colette:
"It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses."
It is so true...behaving, resisting, collapsing..
Not only do you have to deal with the weight of grief alone, but you have to figure out HOW it works, with a brain that is at best, way overcooked.
I need to find my own way through this
and not be swayed from doing what know I need to do in order to heal. I need to allow myself the time, the space, the specific things my heart requires. (Well, that is what I am trying to do at least...)
Thank you for your continued support,
I feel it and appreciate it so much...
Posted by jen
at 12:51 PM | link