thank you a gabillion times for all of your letters :)
your support and your ideas really have inspired me and
helped me to hush the negative gremlins.
hearing from you also helped to strengthen my
commitment to this project and has really
motivated me to take more steps in
its creation. (instead of keeping it in the cave for another year)
perhaps an even better book would be a collection
of all the letters i have received from YOU over the years ~
that way you could see how beautiful and wise and kind
you all are...
secret: i have been planning to make a book, just a sweet little one,
of my photographs and writings. i would like to provide something
that i hope would be encouraging, uplifting, maybe even inspiring,
for all of you.
here is my question.
does this interest you? is this something you would want?
do you have a favorite entry you would like to see included?
i would like your opinion,
because you, dear readers,
provide so much feedback and
i value your thoughts...
the words of the critic inside my head goes a
little somethin' like this:
"you have failed at one of the most important commitments
a person can make.
you have wasted time, money, years, and talent in your whirlpool of lostness.
you are fat.
you are poor.
you are inconsistent.
you pretend to be spiritual and yet you would be
the first to tell that woman you
hate to f*** off.
you are moody.
you are edgy.
you have conformed to a way of living that has never been your choice.
you are getting old.
you are not good enough.
you best stay backstage.
you are not pretty.
and sometimes you can be a total jerk."
when i make a list of the things that happen to go through my mind
on an average day, i am amazed with the amount of trash i carry ~
wether true or not ~
its really heavy stuff.
my challenge today is to replace these lines with something a little more encouraging. so when i hear the ghost say to me :
"you are fat" i am going to replace it with "the new sexy is curvy"
even if it seems really dorky and fake to do that, im going to try.
(because self talk this way always feels fake to me, but hell, it has
to be better that what i have been doing)
maybe you could work on replacing some of those yucky voices in your head today, and join with me as i try to clean up my cranium space with words that will lift and empower .....
***comments are toast, but my email is open to you~ jen@jengray.com***
this is a photo i posted from a few years back, but i love it so,
and so im going to break "blog rules" and do a repeat. . .
speaking of breaking the rules,
im sure it is not a surprise to most,
that it is something i get a big charge out of doing.
in fact, the best way to get me to misbehave is
to give me a set of demands as to how i should behave.
"do not enter"
"no trespassing"
"wrong way"
"off limits"
"no _____ allowed"
"DANGER"
...those just feel like a super sonic magnet pull to me.
i believe my rebellion comes from my undying
effort as a child, to be the "good little girl."
that combined with the misguided belief
that i would go to hell if i sinned,
had me conforming to all sorts of rules and regulations.
but if you were a kid like me, you know that
kind of restriction can only last for so long before
rebellion explodes and you find your self smoking, drinking,
swearing, trespassing, and kissing boys in the church parking lot.
decades later i am still managing my need to rowdy
up and take the road no one else would even consider.
i encourage you today to break a rule
that allows you to be who you really are.
i dare you to not be so perfect.
rock alter~ mosaic canyon, death valley, canon 20d
okay chicas,
you know that incredible workshop i get to assist with the fabulous
superhero Andrea Scher?
well the info is up and registration will begin soon.
and we can thank the woman behind it all for putting legs to this dream!
what a grand collection of women folk to spend your days with...
mmm...mmm...good!
being that we have had so many requests for this class, i have a feeling that
it is going to fill up very quickly. so keep that in mind.
another thing, the Squam Lake area happens to be a bombshell of beauty.
just think "On Golden Pond"....yup. that's where it was filmed.
it is also the area where i taught sailing at summer camp,
so i can testify to its lovlieness.
(and this also qualifies me to sing you songs that rhyme
with camp W-I-C-O-S-U-T-A.... good fun.)
You can find more details on the Squam Art web site RIGHT HERE
in addition to being an insomniac, i also dream extensively
when i do happen to crash for a moment.
...and i never get to meet james taylor in my dreams.
a more common theme would be like
last night's episode :
girl (me) goes on a vacation with her boyfriend.
boyfriend gets kidnapped by a demonic child,
but is replaced by a new boyfriend,
who, is a poor,
poor, poor, replacement by the way.
the house we rented had a ceiling light with no
bulb, but rather, a nice shiny wasp nest buzzing with
angry wings. and the carpet was matted something awful.
all was okay until i found "the video tape" of the poor
replacement boyfriend shaking it up with the local town
girl named Tammy ~ who, by the way, had a really bad
perm and wore Zena jeans.
so i left the poor replacement boyfriend.
and took custody of our pet wolverine.
so imagine getting only a few hours sleep
(all new moms relating of course)
and getting smacked by a b-grade dream like the
above to boot.
today my prayers are for the students and community in DeKalb, for the families and friends of those killed and injured in the N.I.U shootings. . .
so hard to process. so hard to make sense of. such a rip off to have lives snuffed away by a hand held piece of metal, and a mind that has gone ill.
a special prayer for the amazing niece and nephew of my friend, who are far too young to have had to witness such horror. im sending my stock pile of angels over your way to bring peace to your confusion and comfort to your hearts.
i think for the most part, i am pretty cool.
but i suppose i achieve full dork status when i
admit that i really love valentine's day.
so when i got to spend yesterday with my favorite
little friend, i was in such girly bliss as we "decorated the
shoe box" and worked on her valentine's cards for her party
today at school.
and last night while he was sleeping i carefully placed
all his valentines around so he would wake up and be surprised
with cheesy goodness. and i picked out my favorite outfit
for our special date this evening. (the pink and red vintage
skirt of course.)
i cannot help but remember a couple years ago when i
was sick with heartache on this very day. how i felt like puking when
i would see happy couples strolling down the street, and how
i would start to cry when i would hear a sap song on
the radio, and how much i wanted to throw big rocks at the tv
whenever those damn commercials for Sandal vacations
came on.
so i want to acknowledge those who are in a place which
makes days like this just suck, and i want to say to you, i totally understand.
i have been there and you are not alone. and valentine's day doesn't
require a lover, it just requires love. so love what love is around you.
your cat, your family, a good friend, the view out your window,
barry manilow, and dark chocolate.
and to all the loves in my life,
especially the boy who rocks my world,
i love you with my somewhat cool,
definitely dorky, partially scarred,
always hopeful,
big fat heart.
*****comments are busted but the email is working just fine...
contact me here: jen@jengray.com
i didnt want to leave las vegas without having had some sort of magic happen ....and it did. the last night we were given two second row tickets to the
cirque du soleil LOVE show.
this show is an explosion of color, movement, song, and light,....
it's a sensory-blissed,
acid pie
of creative amazement.
( i wanted to run away with the cirque. )
i am home now, surrounded by a foot of snow and bleak skies ~
but so warm from my time with Swirly, Andrea, Boho,
Marta Becket, the desert, and the flying cast of cirque du soleil...
***its not you, or your computer, my comments are broken, but i love hearing from you still, via email ~ jen@jengray.com.***
before this trip i was experiencing extreme exhaustion
and fighting the feeling of a lingering heaviness.
having spent days in the bright sun,
absent of all worldly influences,
with nothing but the sound of the winds and passing ravens ~
i left feeling fully and totally at peace.
i wandered the mountains touching ancient rocks with my hands
and gathering dust on my cowboy boots.
i crept around ghost towns, and was fooled by the salt flats into thinking
i had seen an oasis. ( i SO get that mirage thing now)
i saw the earth and the horizon change colors in a light i had never seen before.
i collected stories from strangers who didnt feel so strange, because after all,
i was doing the same thing they were ~ finding refuge in a desert. and
this place only attracts a certain kind of folk.
it was truly a mystical trip for me.
i am now back in vegas ~ and am unable to manage the energy of the casinos, the titty bars, the miles of shops, and the yucky feel i have when i see the lonely old woman playing for hours at the nickel slots ~ waiting for a machine to save her from her dread.
so i grab my ipod and shut out the chatter.
and close my eyes and shut out the flashing bling.
and i smell my jasmine lotion and shut out the smoke.
and i pretend i am back in death valley,
fearing if i dont hold tightly enough, i will forget it.
and yet deep down i know,
i never will. the crazy wild secrets of the desert will
always be inside of me,
like a raven tattooed on skin of my heart.
***its not you, or your computer, my comments are broken, but i love hearing from you still, via email ~ jen@jengray.com.***
because they are the kind who never fail to remind me of what is possible, and
what really matters...
i am off to spend some serious time in solitude...
ciao.
May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. ~
Edward Abbey
so i just spent an amazing past few days with
my girlies out in l.a....
im still coming down from that incredible ride,
and will wait to see if adequate words will come forth
to describe how sacred our time together was.
my flight back to chicago was cancelled due to the snowstorm
so i instead, flew to vegas where i will be meeting the boy in a couple days.
ive never been here before and i must say ~ its the most unusual place
i have ever been. let it be said, i would totally take a trip to the woods over this place any day, but there is a strange comedic feel about this scene,
and im hoping my camera and i will find some interesting moments.
soon enough i will be out in the desert away from metal sounds,
loud talkers, and smoke.
i feel like a seed the size of a coconut was planted into my heart this week ~
something big and beautiful and hopeful. . .
and wouldnt you know, i slept like a million year old rock last night.
at peace, calm, and so very still....
