jen gray

May 29, 2007

back off......

my bad girl bracelet, canon 20d

i stood up to the big bully today.

the bully had pushed and pushed and used her position
to control and demean others. including me.
and today she pushed me over the limit.

and i blew.

sometimes you cant talk back to the bully. in doing so you might just end up in a worse situation. and usually i know when to keep my mouth shut.

today was not the day.

i looked her straight in the eye and i FINALLY
let her have it .

she was shocked. and then she lied to cover her tracks.
and then she was silent. i busted her and she had nothing to say.

aint that like a bully? so free to throw her anger around
but when it comes back to hit her in the face she was frozen.
she looked....scared. almost pathetic.

i have struggled with the emotions of anger. almost always feeling
guilty when i have let it show or expressed it.

but not today.
in fact i felt a million times better than all the times i put up
with her poor behavior and had to pretend i was fine with it.

and as i left i knew that this would be the very last time
i would let her throw her emotional slop onto me.

i felt strong.
i felt like i could stand up for myself and not be intimidated.
i felt like a bad-ass,...but in a good bad ass way.

Posted by jen at 07:51 PM   |   link   |   Comments (0)

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May 27, 2007

to tell the truth.....

little blue, canon 20 d

ive been talking with a friend lately about the feelings which us nice girls arent supposed to be having, or at least not admitting to.

feelings like jealousy, or bitterness, or selfishness, bitchiness....
anger, depression, rage, fear...

and yet we encourage one another to be honest...
to be real...to not stuff our feelings.

this blog used to be an avenue in which i used to do that.
but then i became aware of people saying, gosh ~ "you are so heavy, or so
depressing"...and i felt badly for portraying such a downer attitude.
so i wrote less and less.

and it became harder for me to express myself in a truthful manner.

i began to filter.

maybe there is a time for filtering. after all,
there have been times ive had to" snap out of it"

but im not digging the filter that limits my true voice.

there are days and nights when i am so pissed off or so dreadfully sad but i feel l should communicate only goodness and kindness and love.
but if i do that on the days where that is not happening, then i am being fake.

so here is an effort for me to yet again, try to be more authnetic. even on the not so pretty days.

Posted by jen at 10:31 AM   |   link   |   Comments (0)

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May 24, 2007

there are places.....

roadside, canon 20d

i happened across this little place on a drive through the country.
locals ride their horses or their "hogs" to town.

thats my kind of scene.

ill be moving again at the end of the month.
and i know its just to another temporary place.

another rental, another town.

i dont even miss the house i still own with him.
nothing looks the same anymore.
its as if my life there has been erased.
and its just as well.

i think the gift of having to give up so much and let go of
so many things is that i really dont care about the outside
stuff much these days. i dont think i was ever really materialistic
but maybe i was.

now i spend money on the basics.
food, gas, cat food.

what did i spend it all on before?

anyhow. ...

im glad i am learning to live with less.
its so much easier than being pissed about it .

at the end of the day i am still free,
free to go wherever the wind blows...
and that is worth major bucks.

Posted by jen at 04:42 PM   |   link   |   Comments (0)

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May 21, 2007

nailed.....

crucified, canon 20 d

sometimes i get confused between giving voice to my soul
and giving a megaphone to my fear.

Posted by jen at 08:50 PM   |   link   |   Comments (0)

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May 19, 2007

live free, canon 20d

today.

no thinking about work.
no worrying about bills.
no wonderiing why you are mad.
no talking about the past.
no singing the blues.
no toxic folks.
no traffic.
no t.v.
no answering the phone ~ unless its you
no wishing i was carrying ten less pounds.
no taking for granted.

Posted by jen at 09:11 AM   |   link   |   Comments (0)

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May 18, 2007

gone.....

its true.
i didnt like who i had become.

i was no longer this creative encouraging magical spirit.

i had become jaded.
i had become old.
i had become worn.

the words seemed fake to me. did i really used to write that way?
did i speak that way as well? did i actually believe life was like that?

oh god.
i had become cynical on top of it all.
i swore i would never be this way.

i dont like it .

okay, so maybe i was a little too trusting
a little too hopeful
a little too naive.

but at least i wasnt bitter.

you carry around pain and fear and sadness long enough
and it starts to ooze into your very being. it saps your joy and
your beauty.

and it was that moment i decided i didnt want to carry that
cross anymore.

Posted by jen at 07:32 PM   |   link   |   Comments (0)

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May 17, 2007

for you......

wrapped, canon 20d

i am the best at being there for others and the worst at letting
others be there for me. allowing others to help me is as
uncomfortable as being on stage for a person who has social anxiety
disorder. i can do a millions things, but i suck at asking for help,
at receiving it...

i have a friend who is much like me, and she is going through possibly the worst time in her life. i made such a horrible mistake by isloating myself during
my darkest time. god how i regret that, i caused myself more pain.

if i could pray a single prayer today it is that she will have the courage to allow us in, to share our stength, to know that she does not have to do this alone....

"dont you know that you can do anything

you can take anything and make it your own

dont you know that you can do anything

and you dont have to do it alone" ...carole king

Posted by jen at 07:12 AM   |   link   |   Comments (0)

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May 10, 2007

whatever....

swept ~ canon 20 d

" When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses, and shouldn't throw stones. Because you can never really know. Some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies... " carrie, sex in the city

Posted by jen at 05:04 PM   |   link   |   Comments (0)

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May 08, 2007

these days....

mr. vince neil, canon 20 d

...my life
is anything
but boring.

Posted by jen at 04:41 PM   |   link   |   Comments (0)

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May 02, 2007

today. . . . .

santos wall, canon 20 d

this one goes out to a dear sweet chickie girl.

the drag about being beautiful, and talented, and kind, and smart,
is that those who are not,
can become pretty darn jealous and turn into jerkos.

so... i want you to remember this.
remember the friends who are good to you. i know you have alot.
stick by them. and they will stick by you.

the ones who arent, are sad and lonely kids, and are
being mean because they have some icky feelings inside of them.
it is not your fault. someone forgot to teach them about love.

as far as the teasing,
the biggest, and trust me on this, the biggest burn is to
blow the whole thing off. then they will look like dorks
for not being able to get a response from you. when you
show your strength in not acknowledging their meanie actions,
they will soon get bored.

honey, this is a part of growing up. your mom went through it and so did i.
but in the end, its the kind ones who always win out. the meanies just end up losing friends.

and if this stuff doesnt stop, you just call me up and i will come over in my go-go boots and scare the hell out of those litttle shits.

chin up little one.
you have lots of love around you.

Posted by jen at 07:40 PM   |   link   |   Comments (0)

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May 01, 2007

the good and the bad...

todos los santos, canon 20d

" There's a dark side to each and every human soul.
We wish we were Obi-Wan Kenobi, and for the most part we are,
but there's a little Darth Vader in all of us. Thing is,
this ain't no either-or proposition. We're talking about dialectics,
the good and the bad merging into us.
You can run but you can't hide. My experience?
Face the darkness. Stare it down. Own it.
As brother Nietzsche said, being human is
a complicated gig.
So give that ol' dark night of the soul a hug.
Howl the eternal yes! ~ Chris Stevens, Northern Exposure

Posted by jen at 06:44 AM   |   link   |   Comments (0)

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