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November 27, 2006
the classroom...
chicken butt, canon 20 d
yes ,i am a softy.
always have been.
because when i see you i see past the
swearing and the disrespect and the annoying
tactics ~ and i see that little kid who grew up
in an environment that in no way, shape, or form, represented
a healthy, secure, loving, and safe environment.
but you force me to not be such a softy at times.
because if i let you continue with that business,
you will run face first into someones fist, end up
in jail or on the streets.
and i care to much to let that happen.
so i tighten the lasso and lay down the law and
get called a bitch for doing so.
but i dont care.
beacuse i know at the end of the day you
know it is i who am rooting for you. and i might
just be the only one ...
you push me to my limits and make me dig deep
into my heart to find patience and strength.
and i recognize you are teaching me as much as i
am trying to teach you as well.
and our spirits met with the agreement to
do so.
so today instead of being completely frustrated and
pissed off at the day's events,
i will bless the day instead. knowing much greater
things were occuring behind the scenes.
a testing of our spirits.
a strengthening of work that really matters.
Posted by jen at 04:19 PM | link | Comments (0)
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November 25, 2006
god love the friends...
sunset celebration, key west ~canon 20 d
and she wrote to me:
"okay, so he got married this weekend.
big whip. you wanted out of that whole scene anyhow.
go troll around the orchid farm until you get a bit sweaty.
come home and shower, put on your hottest non suburban outfit~
complete with some hot panties, your lowriders, and cowboy boots.
put your hair up in braids and go find a boy to kiss.
call your friend hanrow and plan a weekend visit.
tresspass in the barn you keep talking about.
tattoo your ass.
build a fire in the fireplace, blast a little Tony Alvon & The Belairs,
sip down a bottle
and shout hallelujah to the heavens that you are no longer
tied to any of your past.
the chord is officially cut my dear,
and this year is going to be the one where you
finally learn to never ever settle or accept less than outstanding.
you dont know how very lucky you are to be so free....
so get the hell out there girl and take the bull by the horns."
Posted by jen at 02:25 PM | link | Comments (0)
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November 20, 2006
truth.......
naked truth, canon 20 d
the unexpected flowers,
the dreamy beautiful painting (thank you tiff)
the love notes from sweet young girls,
the boy who took me dancing,
the huge stuffed animal sent by my mom to keep me company at night,
the strangers helping me and the kids at the school,
jonathon who plays piano to me over the phone,
the bertagni family whose love is crazy beautiful,
my two ever so faithful old cats,
craig, whose humor gives me perspective,
the gang down at dogs bar who make me feel good no matter my mood,
my sister, my brothers and the one who still reaches out even though i no longer belong to their family,
annie who works at the grocery store,
those wild teen students of mine,
the andersons and the grafs, another extension of my family
my uncle and aunt who root for me still,
phone calls from tim and hanrow and george,
best friends, barron and sue and faith and karen and missy and andrea and moe,
my mom and dad who believe me even when i am in a pile,
uncle jon's prayers and blessings,
the town of barga,
yuri
all of you sweet ones from the blog
for the language and richness of music, nature, and travel,
for the softness of my heart which keeps me from being bitter...
may i never forget how lucky i am
and how many things i have to be grateful for...
dear god, let the goodness in my life be how i define myself.
let the strength of the love always win over the shadows.
Posted by jen at 05:49 PM | link | Comments (0)
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November 18, 2006
however....
recipe for fun, canon 20 d
...there are days which is best to put it all aside,
put on your hip boots, and go out for the sole
purpose of stirring up a little fun.
today is such a day.
i hereby committ to getting into trouble by
breaking at least 5 rules
and dancing like i used to when i was
the carefree girl..
peace out.
Posted by jen at 09:53 AM | link | Comments (0)
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November 15, 2006
secrets exposed....
where we told the truth, barga ~ canon 20 d
he told me about jail and sitting in his cell with nothing but his boxers
and how he sometimes couldnt breathe.
she told me how she is afraid
she might be going crazy.
and he said how lonely the holidays are now that his sweetie is in the nursing home because she cant remember her name anymore.
she said the cutting brought her more relief than meditation.
he told me he knows he ugly.
she told me she often cries when she gets home from work.
he told me he is done with trying.
and she told me she would go to sleep forever if it werent for her daughter.
he told me how he was going to try to stay sober this weekend by not leaving his house.
she said she is afraid to stop moving because then she might have to feel and it would engulf her.
he said he no longer loves her but is staying because of the children.
i said, its a good thing my stalker is the age of a grandpa because at least i might be able to out run him, but as much as i joke about it, its really freaks me out.
and as much pain was in each one of these conversations there was a sense of aliveness because they were raw and real and honest , and not about the weather or the sale at nordstorms
or the bears game.
i will not ignore the elephant in the living room,
heavy as it is at times,
because its that very elephant that is also the doorway to a healing shift.
and secrets make us sick.
and i am committed to an authentic life.
i root for you.
god how i root for all of us.
and the beat goes on.....
Posted by jen at 06:23 AM | link | Comments (0)
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November 14, 2006
she says it better....
the unseen pieces, canon 20 d
If I knew what I was after, I'd remember where I'd been
If I was sure of something better, I'd go, I'd go
But I am just another picture, and I watch myself like you
I imagine what you're thinking,
I know, I know
Ten cent wings, I'll take two
Pin them to my sweater and I'll sail above the blue
Ten cent wings, tried and true
Orbiting like satellites I'll sail away, with you ~jonatha brooke
Posted by jen at 05:32 PM | link | Comments (0)
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November 07, 2006
what we said...
directions, canon 20 d
he says im more moody these days.
i say im just not faking it anymore.
he says im argumentative.
i say he's not used to be challenged.
he says i could walk away and never look back.
i said its true, i walk, but i always look back.
he says im inconsistent.
i say at least i am consistently inconsistent.
he says he cant figure me out.
i say i never want to be figured out and to stop trying.
he says im too independent.
i say im just smart enough not to depend on anyone ever again.
he says im too emotional.
i say at least im not cold.
he says im too rebellious.
i say at least im not boring.
he says i dont fit in.
i say, it is never my intention to do so.
he says im too depressed.
and i say, you are lucky to have never had your heart smashed....
Posted by jen at 06:30 AM | link | Comments (0)
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November 05, 2006
stuff.....
stuff in the barn, canon 20 d
i love each month that passes
because it takes me further and further
from my year of hell.
i feel hopeful with every day that
retires i will have become a little bit stronger,
a little less sad,and alot more capable to
create my future.
i dont know how im going to do it but
im determined to pack in some pretty
big adventures this year. after all, its just
me now, and who's to stop me?
alot of things just dont matter to me anymore.
....but i do care
about seeing the secret corners of this world
and taking my soul to the stories it needs
to hear.
ive done my time in the pain department.
im plenty due for a massive dose of the magic and fire
my life used to be so surrounded by. i am determined to make
the second half of my life even more colorful
than the first 40 years were.
enough with pain. enough with old patterns.
enough with worn out maps. enough with sadness and enough
with regrets. ive done my time.
im dropping the shackles.
Posted by jen at 05:20 PM | link | Comments (0)
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November 02, 2006
she......
little one, canon 20 d
so she cocoons...
and she wraps herself in the
sacred threads of her inner life
which cannot be touched
or polluted
or influenced by the outer elements.
and there she remembers the
truth of who she is
and what really matters after all....
and the rest just falls away.
Posted by jen at 05:23 PM | link | Comments (0)
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