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July 29, 2006
the best advice i ever got...
it all comes down to this, canon 20 d
slap a little lipstick on
get yourself a slinky hot dress
and buy the biggest wig you can find....
all will be well.
Posted by jen at 04:58 PM | link | Comments (270)
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July 27, 2006
she.....
teachers in small packages, canon 20 d
one day i will be able to explain to her how much she helped me.
how she reminded me i really needed to go back
to a job that surrounds me with children.
how she keeps me up to date on the current dance moves.
how she makes me feel like i am somehow still important to someone.
how she brings out the wild roots of my being and a carefree mindset away from all my heavy thinking.
how she makes me feel like a mom even though i will never had a child of my own.
how she teaches me not to pretend by fully expressing her moods as they pass through her.
how she reminds me what being authentic really means.
how she still believes and dreams and imagines and plays and seeks adventure.
how she makes mistakes and then moves on and doesnt beat herself up for weeks on end.
how she admits her fears and is able to ask for help.
how she knows what she wants and goes for it.
how she is not afraid to try new things and is willing to take the fish off the hook.
how she doesnt waste her days worrying about the should haves, the could haves, and the shouldnts.
how she has been a teacher to my soul in so many ways about living life fully.
i love you girlie.
Posted by jen at 10:32 AM | link | Comments (227)
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July 26, 2006
the price.....
wild root studio, canon 20d
Because at the end of the day,
I still believe in the mystery and the magic of this life.
And through this journey of the muck,
I have never felt the absence of my spirit and my connection with god.
i forgot about the goldmine within at times.
i have gotten lost, and distracted and made major wipe outs.
And I have doubted myself,
but never the knowing that
there is a bigger picture amongst it all.
ultimately, this is what I have had to fall back upon
again and again and again.
My life is not meant to be a restricted one,
But a fully alive and free and authentic one.
and so is yours....
From a very young age I searched for more.
I never wanted to just float through my days.
I needed something deeper and full of meaning.
The search brought me down many roads.
I regret not one. Though some were filled with
such intense pain, I know they carried great teachings.
she told me once that my pain would be the door...
the very door i needed to bust through the veils that keep me
from the truth.
And if the price of my mind and the pain in my heart is
the cost of becoming who I am really meant to be,
I accept. . .
Because at the end of my life,
I will need more than anything,
to know that I have loved
and I have learned,
and I have contributed,
and I have not remained trapped by what society dictates,
and the limitations set by my own fears,
but to know i stayed true to the voice of what my
soul was always yearning for.
and i will never stop trying. my life depends on it.
Posted by jen at 10:39 AM | link | Comments (347)
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July 25, 2006
wigged out....
wig club beauty, canon 20 d
one thing i am not, is a chicken.
i am not afraid of the dark or scary movies or walking in the woods at night...
but tonight, for whatever reason, the woods were VERY active.
lots of action. combined with the wind and something scratching at the screen,
i wigged out. i felt that feeling you felt as a child, when you were too afraid to get out of bed for fear that the man living under your bed would chop off your feet if you ran to mommy.
that heartbeat you can feel without putting your hand to your heart. the one you can hear inside your head.
i am alone now. i need to be a big girl; so i forced myself to check all around the house and do the required security checks. i can do this. i can do this.
i am brave.....
and as i nestled back into bed i of course had to hear hideous screaming of an animal fight in the back yard. dear lord.
living in the woods is a very good thing, during daylight.
but like the ocean at night, the dakness opens an entire new feel
to the forest. and tonight, its scaring the shit out of me.
so what does a girl do?
she pours herslef a glass of wine, puts on a little tony bennett (thank you c)
and looks at pictures of her friends sporting wigs.
and this somehow helps.
thank god for wigs.
the perfect mood altering prop.
maybe if i put one on and ran around screaming outside i would send all the
gremlins back to the holes in the ground.
or maybe i should just stick to the wine and and tony bennett.
Posted by jen at 09:49 PM | link | Comments (112)
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July 24, 2006
keep on.....
my little garden beauty, canon 20 d
some of you may feel i have been in this hole for far too long.
some of you may feel i have been self absorbed and lost in my
own drama.
but i dont care.
i am proud that in the midst of a really hard year,
i have pressed on. even when i didnt feel like it.
this year has been so much more than "just a divorce"
there have been things i have experienced i never imagined
would have happened to me.
but i have worked hard, really hard, and i have felt my way through
every ounce of it. i have been stripped to the core and have to redifine
who i want to be, lose what no longer works and finally reach a level
of authenticity which i didnt know existed.
so for you, who are thickly in it,
dont give up. ask for help and know that
a better life still waits for you.
however long it takes,
you musnt give up.
and for those of you in the company of those who are in the gutter,
be patient, and know that we all have different timelines.
be fierce in your love and gentle with your judgements.
whoever you are
wherever you are
i am rooting for you.
as you have for me.
we will get there.
we can be free from the past that we once let define us.
we can recreate this life into something better.
bad days will still knock,
but they dont have to take up a permanent place in our heads.
we just have to keep on
keeping on.
in the smallest and grandest ways. . .
what else is there to do with our precious lives?
Posted by jen at 04:03 PM | link | Comments (806)
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randoms.......
i like this guy, canon 20 d
a bird crapped on my head this morning. apparently, in italy this is good luck, im still trying to figure out the reasoning behind that.
i dreamt i hooked up Flava Fave. i cant even have good hook ups in my dreams.
i was taking out the garbage ~ i have to dirve it down the road ~ and a neighbor judged from my appearance, pajamas and a sloppy pony falling to the side of my head ~ that i was a "garbage picker" and wanted to know what i was doing.
i told her i was looking for credit card receipts so i could steal money from
the community.
when recently asked in an interview what my downsides were i confessed that i really hate The Wiggles and would forbid them from the classroom. she laughed..., but i was serious. no student of mine will learn to dance like that.
i have no idea what the dow jones is.
and i do not want to. but i will spend a considerate amount of time learning the lyrics to a sugarhill gang song. is this wrong?
i feel badly for snapping turtles and wonder if they are so mean because they actually are sturggling from poor self esteem and personal appearance issues.
i caught a glimpse in the mirror of my ass in a bathing suit and was hoping it was somebody else. it wasnt.
that's all i have for today.
Posted by jen at 08:47 AM | link | Comments (423)
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July 22, 2006
the smashing pair.....
the shoes, canon 20d
whats the matter?
i received my final divorce papers in the mail.
how are you doing?
i dont know, it feels... weird.
lets plan a divorce party.
what?! thats sick. possibly tacky and morbid at best.
no its not. we wont be celebrating an end of a marriage,
we will celebrate the ending of a really long year, and the
beginning of a new chapter. we will honor that this relationship
served you both really well for many years and now its time
to move on.
go buy yourself a party dress and a smashing pair of shoes.
and ill take care of the rest.
you think that's a socially acceptable thing?
when have you ever been worried about what is
socially acceptable?
true.
at the very least, buying new shoes always helps.
Posted by jen at 11:20 AM | link | Comments (563)
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July 21, 2006
defining......
today i had one of my first coaching sessions.
part of the time we spent discussing core values,
what is most important to my life, what is necessary to have in order to make my life most fulfilling...
now you might think this would be easy....
oh i could whip the norm off the top of my head,
peace, love security, god etc etc...
but we dug deep.
and we defined.
i had things come up that i didnt know were there.
or maybe i just have never named them as such...
one of my values is that i must have adventure in my life.
adventure encompasses many things. it involves trying new things,
pushing through fears, traveling, observing life in all its forms,
leaving the safety nest, having a damn good fun time,
not being complacent or stuck. taking risks, stirring up magic,
creating an interesting moment in each day.
adventure can be the smallest of things,
sneaking into that old barn, or chatting with the old man
on the park bench, just anything that shakes me out of the
normal groove of my life.
just by identifying this as one of the necessary items needed to feed
my soul, i immediately felt inspired to start planning or looking for more.
funny how that works.
i need adventure in my life.
i want adventure in my life.
i can create more of it.
im glad we discovered this today.
thank you andrea for helping me dig this one up
Posted by jen at 04:43 PM | link | Comments (415)
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July 20, 2006
solitary......
court, ~mamiya
this shit happens to me all the time.
i just stopped off to drop another $1000 to my lawyer.
so im driving away and i swear every couple in the universe was walking on the streets at that moment . holding hands, pushing baby carriages,
window shopping for fabulous antiques for their living rooms.
i actually caught myself saying "fuck you and your damn love"..
how bitter does that make me?
i figure if i admit it it will some how diffuse it.
i was once that happy couple .
we were really happy back then....
i dont know when it unraveled, but it did.
and i feel failure and sadness and guilt and self-hate for it.
even though i am getting closer to the letting go, there
are times it hits me and i find myself wondering where the
hell my life has gone. and why i am such a fuck up.
and then i talk with friends who are married and miserable
but will never make the changes needed.
and i know deep down that this one life is all i have.
and it may be hard now, but my soul and my husbands soul deserve
true happiness. even if it takes doing what seems to be the most
scary thing in the world.
and so it goes. . .
I'm so far, so far away from it now
That it seems like I may never know how
People stay in love for half of their lives
It's a secret they keep between the husbands and wives
Baby, There goes somebody's miracle
Walking down the street
There goes a modern fairy tale
I wish it could happen to me
But I look at myself
Wonderin' if i'm just too weak
To have such faith in myself
Once upon a time I was so restless in love
When things we're fine, I changed my mind just because
Now I see how wrong and reckless i've been
Each frog has a prince just waiting inside of him
Baby, There goes somebody's miracle
Walking down the street
There goes a modern fairy tale
I wish it could happen to me
But I look at myself, and I think what the hell
Maybe I'm just too naive
To have such faith in myself
You know I'm prayin' for it
But the queen, she likes to sit on her throne
Doesn't mean you two are never alone
It's just love has needs that love only knows
Watch a couple stay close, It's like the bloom of a rose
Baby, There goes somebody's miracle
Walking down the street
There goes a modern fairy tale
I wish it could happen to me
There goes somebody's miracle
Walking down the street
There goes some other fairy tale...
I never cry out loud, I
I keep my tears to myself
But I woke up one day and I found my life had left me for someone else
I guess it must be unhappy with me
Baby, There goes somebody's miracle
Walking down the street
There goes a modern fairy tale
I wish it could happen to me
But I look at myself
Wondering if i'm just too weak
To have such faith in myself
You know I'm prayin for it
You know I'm prayin for it ~liz pahir
Posted by jen at 06:43 PM | link | Comments (62)
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July 19, 2006
finding the map.....
finding my way, barga italy, canon 20 d
i started going to therapy at my own choice when i was in highschool.
ive been going on and off for decades it seems.
but im now ready for a more proactive appraoch towards
making the changes in my life.
when i considered who i would trust to take me through
this process, there was no consideration.
i needed someone who i felt had done their own work.
i needed someone who wasnt too out there but still
believed in the magic of this life.
i needed someone who knew how to ask the right questions and
had a direct yet gentle way to challenge me in the areas of
my life i seem to get so darn stuck in.
i needed someone who could inspire me and could
see the parts in me that were capable beyond what
i could ever imagine.
even through the intial interviewing process,
i was asked questions that really really made me
take a look at things.
after all this time i have spent invested in
inner growth, there were places i have never
even given thought to. we have barely started our sessions
and i am already rolling in choosing how i want to
live this life of mine.
i am ready and finally excited about something.
introducing my dearest friend and life coach , the amazing andrea scher.
Posted by jen at 08:41 AM | link | Comments (488)
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forgiveness.....
confessions, canon 20 d
I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm
I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside
I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore ~ the india arie version
Posted by jen at 01:52 AM | link | Comments (189)
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July 17, 2006
go..........
scene change, canon 20 d
because i believe in you.
because i have had to go to those places without a single
twig from the nest i knew, and i know you can do it.
because if you dont you will never know.
because we must trust to what we are drawn to.
because what do you really have to lose?
because it might be the very adventure youhave been looking for.
because you can.
because this is your life, my dear.
because you are an artist of all kinds.
an artist of life.
because you will do well.
because you can always change your mind.
because who you are is beautiful.
because i know.
because i fell down alot but never once regretted trying.
because winters blow in these parts.
because there will be so much to discover.
because i know your spirit demands it.
because you have been dimming your lights
and there is so much more light you need to let explode.
becauase you will have the unseen support of staying true
to your voice.
because your family and friends will still be there.
because you inspire me to not give up the dreams i discount as
silly or not possible.
go.
and make it a grand story.
or go.
and make it a quiet jouney.
or go and discover those pieces of your strength that you
may have forgotten about.
or go because there is an entire place in your soul that
craves something new.
its going to be good.
go my dear...
and then remind me when its my turn...
Posted by jen at 09:23 AM | link | Comments (666)
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July 15, 2006
last night....
companions, canon 20 d
last night i was feeling a little twinge of "the lonelies"..
not a major wave, but a lingering one. while i do enjoy being by myself,
i sometimes ache for the company i once had always beside me.
im getting more and more used to it, but it can still get to me..
so i sat out on the deck only to be approached by four baby racoons
and their momma. i fed them my dinner by hand.
they were such hungry dinner companions.
their faces alone pushed a big grin into my cheeks.
i moved to the front porch only to be startled by a green tiny frog who hopped upon my foot. i sat so still. such a small contact brought such a grand delight.
i was lured into the forest by the sound of a bird i couldnt identify.
further and further it pulled me into the woods.
i never found her but she directed me to another meeting.
another momma with her baby.
deer...softly chewing the leaves on the ground.
i could feel it shift.
my lonliness into a connectedness.
a feeling that all is right
all is in the proper place.
wild but peaceful random encounters,
reminding me that magic is all around me...
in unexpected moments of lonliness
i felt surrounded by so much beauty.
i did not feel lonely.
what i ache for is often just a step outside my door.
Posted by jen at 10:05 AM | link | Comments (505)
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July 12, 2006
jealousy.....
comparing, canon 20 d, estes park
its when you are trying to lose 50 pounds and your friend complains about her size 4 jeans feeling a little tight.
its going to a party where everyone talks about their children and you have lost a child or cannot conceive. and you "could not possibly understand because you have never been a mother"
its hearing about the half millon addition to the million dollar home and you have 27 dollars left in checking and savings.
its listening to your friend and how perfect her life is and how happy she is when you can barely get out of bed in the morning because you know your day is just going to suck, again.
its seeing another child succeed and win awards while you just saw your child off to juvi hall.
its hearing about the business trip your neighbor won through work to paris and you have sent out 100 resumes and still dont have a job.
or the person who complains about a cold when you are suffering from an incurable disease.
its seeing dynamic women living these brilliant creative independent lives and you cant even get the pile of laundry done or finish last years project.
its seeing loving and affectionate relationships that have lasted for 40 years and you are packing up your wedding pictures and wondering what to do with the wedding dress you once thought your daughter would wear.
its watching everyone make plans for father's day when you dad just died.
i have been on the other side. oblivious to the shoes others are walking in, wrapped in my own excitement, not knowing the person right beside me is wracked with pain. so i claim no innocence here.
but now that i am on this side of things, i am aware of how my body recoils when i am faced with these situations. i never want to be jealous or envious and have always wanted to share in the joy of others happiness. but sometimes its hard. so i just fake it. act appropropriately, humiliated to ever admit i feel
the twang of jealousy or resentment or sorrow about it . and then i get in the car and swear and or cry and then feel ashamed for having done so.
i guess i just have to accept that these feelings are part of being human, and what hurts me now will, eventually fade. i just hope i can remain sensitive enough to be aware of those around me, not to dim my own lights or hide my own joy, but just to not go over board and keep persepctive of the hearts around me.
Posted by jen at 12:15 PM | link | Comments (21)
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July 10, 2006
perspective.....
she played with hard candy, canon 20d
this was sent to me from one who knows me so well...i had to share this
with you...
"I have heard that animals are less conflicted in their inner knowing than we are.
I have also heard that they rendevous with us in order to help us hear the things
we need to hear.
Since critters are not conflicted in the way that we are, they are free to follow
their inner guidance no matter what anyone else is doing. The squirrel knows when
it is hungry and it goes after food and its inner guidance helps it jump
fearlessly from branch to branch and helps it find tiny nuts buried in the ground
etc. The squirrel does not weep when it is hungry, it does not focus on hunger...
it focuses on food and is directed to find it.
I think Lily was following her inner guidance and no one was going to interfere.
No one was going to "save her" either, she did not need saving. Lily has always
known exactly what she wanted and would not stop until she found some way to
experience what she loved... a sense of Freedom and a knowing that all is well in
the world and she was going to go out and experience it. When she decided to make
her exit from this planet, no one was going to stop her from doing that either.
That is probably why her illness went undetected until it was too late. She did
not want any interference with her desire. I do not know why she was ready to
leave at this time and that is what brings up my other belief... that animals
rendevous with us to help us learn things.
Maybe Lily wanted you to get better at letting go. Maybe Lily wanted you to let
go of the burden of wanting to "save" everything. Maybe Lily wanted to teach you
about Freedom. She was a great teacher of freedom. She was a great teacher of
"have no fear" and of "go out into the world and have FUN!". Maybe Lily wanted
you to teach you that you have a right to live your own life in a way that is
pleasing to you even if it does not please everyone else. Lily never came to this
planet to live life on behalf of you, she came here to live. She probably wants
you to do the same. She probably wants you to break free. She probably wants you
to be a rascal. She probably wants you to trust that life is wonderful and it is
meant for fun. She probably wants you to feel easier about the coming and going
of things. Because afterall, nothing is ever really gone, it just changes shape.
So maybe she wants you to remember that. Lily is powerful, so are you. Do not be
afraid
to express yourself in this life. Do not think that living your life on behalf of
your own desire and inner knowing is going to leave you isolated or unloved...
trust that as you come out to greet life, life will greet you with people that are
rascally and full of life and curiousity and creativity and passion and are not
willing to conform. Lily didn't. She lived her life and exited this life exactly
as she wished. Maybe she wants you to do the same."
Posted by jen at 08:50 AM | link | Comments (18)
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July 08, 2006
it sucks...
i think it sucks when you are trying to endure one loss
and you have to turn right around and face another one.
my three cats are the main source of my comfort.
they are my family.
they are my everything.
they keep me going and provide me with such
good company and such sweet love.
they are my children.
my little lily just endured a hideous surgery
that led to finding a major mass in her tiny body.
the vet tried to be gentle, but it is what it is.
i feel like i did something wrong or i should have detected
something earlier. ...maybe if i would have done this or done that....
maybe all the stress of change took a toll on her....
i hate knowing she is laying at the clinic in a cage, although with great care,
away from everything she knows, with her soft little belly shaved and stitched.
i dont mean to minimize human loss, i know my priorities.
i know some of you are facing loss of a loved one right now and my cat sadness seems
so minor.
but tonight in my small world,
my heart is sick.
and i hate everything.
and i just want her paws tucked under my chin.
i love that little furball...
and i am so damn sick of losing love.
Posted by jen at 08:56 PM | link | Comments (13)
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July 07, 2006
after the phone call....
you need to know that i am proud of you.
i know this is hard, really hard.
to look at the insides and dig through the shame and the guilt
and the fear and the feelings you have about who you are takes
major guts. you have chosen not to ignore this anymore.
you are brave.
you need to know that i do not judge you.
god knows i have made the worst kind of choices and i
only see you as another soul trying to find their way through.
you are beautiful and i love you still.
you need to know that there is hope.
even when you dont feel an ounce of it.
even if you do not believe it .
even if no one around you does.
i have hope for you and it still exists, even though
it seems so out of reach.
you need to know that stepping over things wont get you there.
(thank you andrea)
its seeing it all, the good the bad and the ugly.
in doing this you will gain understanding and insight and only
then will you have access to the tools and the form you need to
make the necessary changes.
i believe in you and your ability to walk through thisl.
you need to know that in asking for help you will find
it. asking does not make you a wuss.
it makes you courageous enough to know that we were not
meant to be solitary animals, that families and friends and tribes
are here to support you especially when your legs are feeling wobbly.
i am here for you.
its going to be okay.
i know this.
Posted by jen at 01:01 PM | link | Comments (548)
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July 06, 2006
the good girl gives up....
I was the good girl.
I was the one to root for the underdogs.
I was the one who tried to turn sad into happy.
I was the clown.
I was the one who took care of anyone who needed it.
I was the pleaser.
I soothed your anger.
I was the one who could make anyone feel better.
I was the one who smiled and laughed and then cried in my closet where no one could see.
I was the good girl.
Im almost 40 years old and Im still trying to be a good girl. Truth is, its exhausting. But I feel that if I show you my shadow sides, you will be overly concerned, or disappointed, or maybe not want to be around me.
So I fake it.
Truth is, I am very sad about my divorce. Im angry. and I feel a tremendous amount of failure and despair.
I do not know who to be with these emotions so close
to the surface. If I am not the good girl, happy and taking
care of you and trying to be perfect, who am i?
Im trying to figure it out these days. Typically I would
isolate myself ~ but that has gotten me nowhere.
In fact, it has made things worse.
To be real would require me being honest about
the not so pretty emotions.
you have told me you would take all of me.
the good the bad and the ugly.
i am going to dare to be all of it,
i wonder if you will still be there. ..
Posted by jen at 09:52 AM | link | Comments (3137)
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July 05, 2006
yup....
twins, canon 20d
“It is the sweet, simple things of life
which are the real ones after all.”
Laura Ingalls Wilder
Posted by jen at 11:36 AM | link | Comments (613)
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the choice......
sisters on parade, canon 20 d
there is much to say about kindness.
it takes such little effort to bring goodness to the life
of another.
every day, i have a chance to choose kindness or to
ignore it.
im not sure why i would ever choose to turn the other way, but sometimes
i do.
the thing is, when i slow down even for a second and offer
care and gentleness to another, it comes back to me
in a most healing way.
the most smallest act of love can have the most biggest impact
on another, even if you never see the end result.
just something to think about today....
Posted by jen at 07:59 AM | link | Comments (95)
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July 04, 2006
rock on....
sarah, canon 20 d,
..."whatever you do my dear,
dont ever lose your fire ."
~grandma harris
Posted by jen at 12:16 AM | link | Comments (1392)
.......................
sisters, canon 20d
Posted by jen at 12:02 AM | link | Comments (1371)
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July 01, 2006
podunk...
little firework, canon 20 d
"Po·dunk"
A small isolated town, region, or place that is regarded as unimportant
i so disagree.
i love podunk, and find them anything but unimportant.
they are the best places to find obscure delights and even better
places to meet people you would not normally meet.
the best pieces of conversations can be found in podunk.
i am off to podunk today.
small towns off the map.
roads i have never been upon.
got my tunes
got my journal
got my camera
got a full tank of gas.
i cant think of a better way to spend this day. . .
Posted by jen at 09:00 AM | link | Comments (2018)
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