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June 29, 2006
golden.......
gold hill, canon 20 d
this was one of my favorite places along the way.
old tiny cabins, no strip malls, no sound of traffic, an old mining town secretly tucked away in beautiful mountain landscape.
we all agreed that we long for the quiet, simple life...that is what makes traveling with my family easy. we were perfectly content hanging in these little mountain towns, no need for shopping or packing our days with activity...
just easing into the slow of things, captivated by every turn in the road and the views that made us feel peaceful and quiet and grateful.
my time away was good. soulful and supportive talks, laugh attacks to last me for weeks, and deep sleeps granted to me from the mountian air.
make time for trips. no matter how small. summer will be over before you know it, feed what makes you hungry and take the time to share it with those you love. lets not be old wishing we had done the things we are able to do now.
thank you dad,
this one will be a favored memory in my mind.
Posted by jen at 09:59 PM | link | Comments (352)
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June 28, 2006
rocky mountain high...
fire, canon 20d
its been a dreamboat out here.
the mountains of estes park, the changing sky,
the endless pines and clear water streams,
the herds of elk and their babies that stroll
right before us.....i imagine this is close to what heaven is like.
a change of scenery does do this body good.
travel stirs the gypsy in me, and i find myself
day dreaming about taking off again and
hitting the open road.
but i know i have to remain rooted for awhile....
as long as i am able to work in these adventures
into my life, as long as i can be sure to experience
new landscapes, as long as i can leave ~ even just for a few days,
i know i will be okay. the health of my spirit depends on it.
it feeds me.
today we are headed down to boulder, taking the backroads of course,
collecting stories and photos along the way....
thank you for all your kind words and comments, they were the
reason for the first smile of my day...
Posted by jen at 08:05 PM | link | Comments (652)
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June 24, 2006
time for a cool change....
rocking, canon 20 d
so im trying to rewire the tapes in my head,
but today was one of those days
i didnt do such a good job.
i woke up feeling like a total loser ~ and it hung with me
throughout the day. i couldnt shake it.
i tried my "i can" talks but my brain was buying it.
so i just fell into the muck of it all.
the muck is filled with sad and mad
and fear and guilt and
ugly and self doubt.
no fun,.. the muck.
though i know i should have the abilty to talk myself out of it,
sometimes i just give into it because it seems to big to fight.
maybe im going a little stir crazy with living out here,
maybe its because i havent been sleeping well,
maybe its because i had to return to my old house this week to get
some things and it made me sick with sorrow,
maybe it was the saki i drank last night....
but whatever it is, im hoping that being surronded by mountains
visiting my sister, having a change of scenery will
help clear my head....
sometimes we all just a need a little break in the
action of our day to day lives.
i know i do.
Posted by jen at 07:48 PM | link | Comments (903)
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June 23, 2006
there she goes....
off, canon 20 d
im off to the mountains for awhile...
wishing you peace and strength
and the reminder that you dont
have to pretend.
Posted by jen at 01:10 PM | link | Comments (623)
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June 22, 2006
i can......
blooming, canon 20d
she made me aware that so much of the dialogue inside
my head have included the words
"i cant".
and if those words are included in the tape i am listening
to over and over again, its no wonder why i have been
feeling the way i have.
incapable
like a failure
frozen
ashamed...
so today is a day i start erasing those tapes and begin
with a new script. now im not ready for the
"im beautiful and strong and good enough" stuff..
so ill start here.
i can move across the country by myself and try new things.
i can use a chainsaw, drive a combine, and a moving truck.
i can make others feel at ease.
i can find delight in the smallest of things.
i can sleep alone in the woods, in the dark, and be okay.
i can make a cold room feel cozy.
i can shake my booty.
i can find beauty in the ugly.
i can play the bongos.
i can comfort.
i can laugh at myself.
i can talk to almost anyone.
i can accept that i have fallen down into the gutter and try again.
maybe just for today you and i can be aware of the tapes in our head, and replace those "cant's" with some "i can" truths.
tell me some of your "i cans"...
"Promise me you'll always remember: you're braver than
you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter
than you think." ~Christopher Robin
Posted by jen at 10:12 AM | link | Comments (982)
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June 21, 2006
cant do it.....
kitchen duty, canon 20d
everyone who knows me
knows that i hate to cook.
my husband used to do all the cooking.
i was spoiled that way.
now that i am in singlesville
the whole meal thing is just lost.
it takes too long. i get impatient.
i dont like the smell of food cooking
in the house.
i cannot stand groceries stores, and get especially
annoyed when standing in line and the person in back of me invades my personal space by shoving their shopping cart up my ass.
touch raw meat ~ no way .
the smell of sea food, barf.
if i had children they would eat appetizers for every meal.
i dont like to sit and have long dinners ~ unless i am in italy with the bertagni family.
if i have a party, rest assured it will all be catered.
now i do like setting the scene.
vintage silverware and old china,
a fresh bundle of flowers,
candles and gypsy kings music.
but the cooking, no.
the one thing i will take the time for is guacamole.
love it.
i could eat it every day.
so please help me out here, send me your best guacamole recipe, or just any fav recipe ~ make it simple,
long recipes feel like math.
p.s keep those movie ideas coming, they have been great! and...they dont involve the use of the stove.
Posted by jen at 10:28 AM | link | Comments (1684)
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June 19, 2006
noticing....
summer, canon 20 d
did anyone happen to notice the fireflies have arrived?
last night while looking out the window i saw an incredible light show.
one of my most favorite parts of summer....
in the mean time,
would you send me your three favorite movies?
for those of us too busy to hammer into a book,
my peeps and i are doing a movie club instead of a book club.
(much easier, no homework or cliff notes needed)
id love some ideas from you
on what we should consider.
p.s sorry about those spammer comment creeps.
anyone know a good program to stop those guys?
Posted by jen at 10:48 AM | link | Comments (1733)
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June 18, 2006
i can love that too....
italy, canon 20d
i see that look that's in your eyes
that says "i must keep most of me inside
cuz you'd never love me if i didnt hide the secrets of my heart"
well im not here for the surface stuff
just get bored with all that fluff
so show me the edges even if its rough
and let the real love start
you've got a whole heart
give me the hard part
i can love that too
you think your shame and deep disgrace
are more than i can bear
but you can go to your darkest place
i will meet you there
im strong enough to take it
and i know what you've been through
you've got a whole heart
give me the hard part
i can love that too
you look at me with some surprise
and i see the doubt thats in your eyes
like something deep inside you cries
with a hunger to be known
like a tiger born in a city zoo
there's been no place for what's inside of you
you try to live like the others do
and it leaves you so alone
i know you think that heat of your pain
is more than i can stand
burn it all in one big flame
and i will hold it in my hand
im strong enough to take it
and i know what you've been through
you got a whole heart
give me the hard part
i can love that too ~ david wilcox
Posted by jen at 09:35 AM | link | Comments (2)
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June 17, 2006
Posted by jen at 07:25 PM | link | Comments (201)
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June 15, 2006
full bloom, canon 20d
In memory of Sarah O'Rourke LeCates....
“There is always a moment in any kind of struggle when
one feels in full bloom. Vivid. Alive. One might be
blown to bits in such a moment and still be at peace.
Martin Luther King, Jr. at the mountaintop. Gandhi
dying with the name of God on his lips. Sojourner
Truth baring her breasts at a women’s rights
convention in 1851. Harriet Tubman exposing her
revolver to some of the slaves she had freed, who,
fearing an unknown freedom, looked longingly backward
to their captivity, thereby endangering the freedom of
all.
To be such a person or to witness anyone at this
moment of transcendent presence is to know that what
is human is linked, by a daring compassion, to what is
divine.
During my years of being close to people
engaged in changing the world I have seen fear turn
into courage. Sorrow into joy. Funerals into
celebrations.
Because whatever the consequences,
people, standing side by side, have expressed who they
really are, and that ultimately they believe in the
love of the world and each other enough to be
that—which is the foundation of activism.” ~ alice walker
there is nothing like the passing of a blazing star to put it
all into perspective. when i read the letter from a friend whose sister
recently died, i sat in my chair thinking about what
really
really
matters....
all this drama? all this bullshit? all this wasted spinning?
or getting on with our limited days and living fully the life
intended and designed
for us?
i want to be like sarah who took full advantage of her
life and the beauty of this world.
god help me to see the crucial importance of each hour,
help me to step in fully,
help me remain unstoppable,
help me to be brave enough to put adventurous miles in my days...
im so ready for my mini series to be over with
and for the documentary of a lifetime to begin.
sarah ~ your spirit is still making ripples...one touched me today.thank you.
Posted by jen at 09:29 AM | link | Comments (1609)
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June 13, 2006
the keeps and the letting go.
at the farm, canon 20 d ~ photo by brother chris
dont ever go.
and dont ever die.
and let me keep you close forever.
and i will hold on forever to everyone and everything dear to my heart.
even strangers and critters and and the old stuffed dog..
i do not let go so easily.
things have to be torn from my grip. ive always been this way.
feeling badly even about throwing away old toys, thinking
they would cry as they were tossed in the garbage can.
this year has been about letting go again
and again
and again....
of love.
of friends.
of financial security.
of control.
of comfort.
of fear.
of the not knowing.
of deep hurt.
of my home.
i havent even really had the choice.
things have been ripped from my hands
and what feels like, stolen from my heart.
and i dont know if i am just really tired from the pulling,
or if i am really learning the art of surrender,
but my hands cant seem to hold on so tightly any more.
i just dont want to have anything more taken from me.
i want to have a little nest of keeps.
keeps that are all mine forever.
keeps that i know will always remain.
keeps that i dont have to clutch on to because they will always
return to the nest at the end of the day.
dear god, ive always been good at sharing.
and i think ive been pretty good at giving.
id be so up with the idea of letting go of this letting go business.
let me pass the course so i can move on.
so as im writing this i of course have to hear this
beautiful song by david wilcox. this always happens
to me. i dont receive messages from
spiritual gurus, sermons, or tarot cards,
i receive them from cute boys with guitars.
I watched it sinking down
That treasure Id almost found is gone
I had been holding on
So long
I had to let go….
I wagered my heart and soul
All of that weight in gold and dreams
The man that I thought I should be
I had to let it go
High above the broken
Opening I see
the light of love is soaking
Welcoming me
Now that I remember
How this love can be
All of my surrender
Emptying
Into the deep blue sky
When its my time to fly
Away
I can release this weight
Now I can let it go
Now I can let go
All of this love
Ive saved
I get to let it go ~ david wilcox (his new cd is great by the way)
Posted by jen at 05:46 PM | link | Comments (1184)
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speed....
yuri, canon 20 d
the last place you would find me is at, is something
like a motorcycle race, but my friend yuri, had a race
this weekend and there i was.
the speed was terrifying to me ~ up to 150 mph ~ and i was
so impressed with yuri's ability to handle this machine.
the important thing (besides that he didnt get hurt) was participating in
anothers friend's passion. by being there, from start to finish, we supported
him. and i believe there is great power in this.
i know how it feels for me to have others take interest in things i am involved in, even if it isnt their deal. the friend who helps me during a photoshoot, the friend that joins me in the woods even though he is a city boy.
i need to do more of this ~ support my friends in what they love, open my eyes to another little piece of this life, see the work they put into what drives them.
by the end of the day, i wanted to buy a motorcycle and feel the speed, and the wind, and see the whirl of the countryside race by my eyes.
thank you yuri for letting me participate in your world for the day.
you rocked.
Posted by jen at 07:44 AM | link | Comments (860)
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June 08, 2006
found.....
suntown, canon 20d
so it happened.
that side road i was talking about.
i stopped to visit a dear friend and she
offered me a most incredible project to
participate in...and i got that feeling i used to get about
life. really inspired and really excited and goosebumpish.
i felt that ching thing. i cried my eyes out but in a good way.
thank you moe and thank you universe for still
seeing something good in me.
god how i needed this.
im off to the farm to hang with my brothers,
listen to tunes, check out the cows, and relish in the joy i feel.
its like the way i used to be.
here i thought she went away...
here's a little piece of my day for you :
For the love of a tree, she went out on a limb.
For the love of the sea, she rocked the boat
For the love of the earth, she dug deeper.
For the love of community, she mended fences.
For the love of the stars, she let her light shine.
For the love of spirit, she nurtured her soul.
For the love of a good time, she sowed seeds of happiness.
For the love of the Goddess, she drew down the
moon.
For the love of a good meal, she gave thanks.
For the love of family, she reconciled differences.
For the love of creativity, she entertained new possibilities.
For the love of her enemies, she suspended
judgment.
For the love of herself, she acknowledged her
worth.
And the world was richer for her…..~ Charlotte Tall Mountain
p.s ive recently added a comments section but you can still e-mail me
if you would like to keep your sharing private.
Posted by jen at 08:04 PM | link | Comments (3286)
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June 07, 2006
design.....
beautiful surprise, canon 20d
all of the world is designed to remind you
all of the light that you that can find you is inside
under all the noise
are you scared to be overjoyed?
in spite of daytime planners higher standards
dreams defended
there's not a single thing that's turned out quite like i intended
and so you learn that holding on is nothing less than panic
when big things fall apart and hearts get that much more gigantic
all of the world is designed to remind you
all of the light that you that can find you is inside
under all the noise
here's your chance to be overjoyed ~ christine kane, overjoyed
after a year of shitsville, i seem to have lost my expectation for
better things. like im always waiting for the axe to fall.
how are things going to ever change if i am fighting the possibility
of better days?
ive grown accustomed to the pain i think.
like the one in mourning who is afraid if she laughs
she somehow is not honoring the loss.
it is crucial for me to hold on to the hope.
it is absolutely necessary that part of me remains open
to lighter days and
to not be so hell bent on the idea of what
i think must be my life's routine, my deserving karma.
often the one thing that stands in the way for more joy in my life
is my mindset. its the fear. its the holding on to what no longer is or what no longer works. its keeping the pain close by because its all ive known
for so long, and at the very least, it is familiar.
just for today, because thats all i can manage,
i wish to remain alert for the side road.
you know the one ~
the one you didnt even know existed,
the one you stumble upon while looking for something else,
the one that unexpectedly takes you to a beautiful surprise.
Posted by jen at 10:16 AM | link | Comments (2107)
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June 05, 2006
the knowing and as if.....
because she knew, barga, canon 20 d
as much as i have struggled with this decision to get a divorce and to leave what most people strive their entire life to achieve, i knew...
and as much as i care so deeply about those this has affected
and still care so deeply that my husband goes on to live a full and rich life,
i still know. ...
as much as it is a drag to put up with the gossip, and the questions, and the avoidance of friends i thought were once true friends,
i know....
i cant explain it to you.
nothing horrid
nothing dramatic
no betrayal.
i just knew. and i cant put my finger on it exactly, though my brain would love to explain how this happened and why it happened.... god how i want a logical explanation.
but i may not understand until years from now. you know how that goes...
it was just a knowing. and as much as my emotions fight with my decision and the missing and the loss leaves me so confused, at the end of the day
i still know.
i just have to trust that.
to know what you know. even if you cant explain it.
to trust that even amongst the ugly, sad, and heart wrenching moments, you can still be on the right road. pain does not
mean your decsion is wrong. it simply means you are human.
it simply means you have a mighty heart.
if i were able to walk away untouched, not feeling, simply discarding this part of my life as if it were junk mail ~ then i would really be concerned.
so here i go. back and forth. up and down. sometimes really really good.
and sometimes really really bummed.
but all awhile knowing.
and trusting god is not going to let my ship get lost at sea for an unbearable length of time. i simply must go about my day "as if."
as if things are already falling into place.
as if i am healing .
as if i have a very specific dance.
as if i have an entire life ahead of me that can be better than
i ever imagined.
as if all the pain will transform into incredible love and knowledge and freedom and purpose.
as if things are unfolding exactly how they should be....
as if...
Posted by jen at 04:27 PM | link | Comments (1322)
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and so it goes...
there, canon 20d
i was able to walk the pine woods this weekend,
sit on the ground, and watch the dance of a thousand dragonflies.
i thought i was going to enter into a peaceful meditation but instead
i started spinning with thoughts.
it occurred to me that i was not going to see my in-laws ever again
and the thought hit me like a slug in my stomach.
it occurred to me that i have lost my best friend of 16 years
and would never again have that friendship to access.
and the thought hit my like a slug in my stomach.
it occurred to me that i no longer have my home,
of the comfort of someone always there to greet me.
another slug.
it occurred to me that maybe i am just not good at a relationships, that i want too much, i need too much, i feel too much.
slug away.
ive been doing this thing for almost a year now, but for some reason
reality really began to sink in this week. i have to create a new life.
i have to let go and say goodbye. i have to find another way to spend my holidays. i have to change the emergency conatct number on my medical forms. i have to change my name. i have to learn to manage this house by myself. toss the wedding ring, i am officially alone.
and just as i was about to sob in the heaviness off all this,
my friend came and grabbed my hand and took me away.
he made me laugh and he let me cry and he distracted me
from the weight.
it was as if life was telling me, "things do not stop here.
just because some things have ended certainly doesnt mean
new things cannnot begin. you just need to step into it."
i am trying, i really am. i just think i would need surgery to remove the love and loss i am still carrying. it does get better, right? i will get there, right?
today i need convincing.
Posted by jen at 09:15 AM | link | Comments (3229)
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June 03, 2006
you, yes you....
barga, canon 20 d
So you must not be frightened... if a sadness rises up before you larger than any you have ever seen; if a restiveness, like light and cloud-shadows, passes over your hands and over all you do. You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; it will not let you fall. — Rainer Maria Rilke (Letters to a Young Poet)
Posted by jen at 09:25 AM | link | Comments (1388)
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June 02, 2006
dinner companions...
what he prefers, canon 20 d
every evening i have dinner with my new neighbor.
he's a bit hairy, chews with his mouth open, doesnt say much,
but he is consistent at best, and i appreciate the company.
he can be cranky, and sometimes looks mean, but when he lays down on his big belly as he munches down on a piece of cheese, i find him so damn darling...
yes, this is the same guy who broke into my house and went through my garbage. but since then we have set some boundaries and things are working out. as long as i supply him with dinner at 6:30 pm on the little sliver tray by the big pine, he seems to stay out of the house.
we have our system down. i call to him, bang the fork on the tray, and sure enough, he comes waddling over. he is still a little shy but has worked his way up to eating just a few feet away from me. he listens to me talk as i toss him bits of food. it works for us.
he prefers cheese and sushi but will tolerate cobb salad, granola, fruit, and he goes crazy over carmel corn.
my friend the raccoon. the thing is, i get so excited when he comes running over that i feel like the pathetic loser kid with no friends. im not allowed to make too much eye contact as this makes him edgy, so i simply curl up on the stairs and sneak peeks at his cute little face.
last night a pack of coyotes were going crazy ~ i thought it was a scary movie on tv but it was real life. they were howling and yipping and attacking something. i was worried about my little pal. i hope he is okay. i would have gone out to check where he lives but honestly i couldnt tell which direction the pack was coming from, all i could tell is that there was alot of them and they were sounding anything but docile.
my life is settling down to these little moments.
dinner with the raccoons. coyote howls. dinner on a silver tray.
as i have said before, the beauty of a year of hell, is the power of moments like these that are so simple and so easy and so uncomplicated. i may not have much but i have the ability to find the greatest delight in the ordinary.
god how i welcome the ordinary.
i hope my little pal is okay.
i hope he shows up for dinner.
i hope i dont have to also start serving the coyotes dinner to keep them from eating my friend.
this is my life.
Posted by jen at 10:16 AM | link | Comments (1728)
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