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April 30, 2006
the other side of things...
sandra and debbie's studio, barga, canon 20 d
somewhere along the way everything changed.
i dont even know how or when it happened,
it just did. my entire life, every aspect, was knocked off the tracks.
a year ago i was safe and secure in my
pretty little house , my freelance photography gig doing well, planning vacations with my husband, comfortable in my life....
or so i thought.
now i look back and i wonder "what the hell happened?"
i mean, i know this is right,
but it doesnt mean it feels good. often the best changes require pushing beyond all the comforts and all the disapprovals and walking right through the fear of things. often the best transformations involve the shedding of everything you once knew to be true.
its the only thing that keeps me holding on. the promise of the other side of things. the hope that because of this time, my heart will have grown brighter and stronger. the hope that i will finally have that day when i get to look back and say, "that was a horrible time but i made it through and now my life is better than i ever could have imagined..."
everyone keeps telling me i will get there.
but i feel like i am waiting in the worlds longest line.
ive had enough of the sad and confused days.
ive done enough time there and am more than ready
to get wherever "there" is supposed to be.
Posted by jen at 12:58 PM | link | Comments (381)
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April 28, 2006
neighborhood gossip...
unexpected friend, canon 20 d
I have not been on the phone or the computer or reading books or going to movies. I have been hiding out in the woods in my new place. Some might find it isolating, but it is actually quite busy here. there is much to listen to. Much to see…
Three bucks walk by my porch each morning. Only one stops to stare as the other two continue their grazing. I sit low on the ground hoping they will find me non-threatening and I am relieved when they casually stroll on by, seemingly without fear. The message is trust, with boundaries.
There is the raccoon. A portly guy with a shorter than normal, striped tail.
He comes to the kitchen window and scoops all the birdseed out of the feeders with his cute little paws. He could care less about my presence and I love his boldness. The message is not caring about what others may think.., courageous momentum.
There are the coyotes, which yip and howl around 1:ooam every evening. I have yet to see them but I look forward to the late night concerts. They remind me of wild teens partying the night away. The message is not forgetting the magic of tribe.
There is one female cardinal ~ god love her. She sees her reflection in the living room window and spends the entire day pecking and chirping at it as if she is defending her life. I finally created a make shift scarecrow with my bright orange jacket and this has temporarily stopped her chronic head banging. The message is, obsessing robs the day, and not everything is at is seems, not matter how real the appearance.
The bees. 5 million bees. bumble and yellow jackets, honey and wasps. Try as I may, I am not bonding with them and am annoyed they have made their homes all along the perimeter of my house. I am constantly doing the bee dodge
upon entering and leaving. I am digging deep to find love for them. The message? I don't have to have an undying love for everything on the planet. I can have choices in love and dont need to adore those who sting.
The newest addition to the neighborhood is one very sweet and gentle salamander. I found him under a cement slab i was removing from the patio. He climbed so softly around my fingers, so slowly and soft. The message is to move with intentional grace.
my kind of neighbors. my kind of hood.
Posted by jen at 02:35 PM | link | Comments (395)
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April 19, 2006
head purge.
london, canon 20 d
hard for me.
knowing when i am sticking up for myself
or wether i am being unkind.
feeling anger ~ not knowing if its real or just
fear in disguise.
hard for me .
to have conflict unresloved yet
knowing it is best sometimes just not to engage.
libra genetics, all must be in balance
all must be fair, all must be at peace.
hard for me.
wanting to be alone and then
cursing it at night when this strange
house is making noises and the darkness
and silence seems deafening.
hard for me.
to start all over, again. tired of the
mini series and and wanting just one
good long script. a rolling stone waiting
for the slope to stop.
and then i wake,
and the sun is pouring in every window,
and the now familiar cardinal sings her
little melody and i decide to take the day
off of thinking from much. the day is good
and things dont feel so hard.
and i can tell. why one is so different
from the next i dont know.
but ill take it.
Posted by jen at 10:07 AM | link | Comments (158)
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April 14, 2006
almost there...
when we walked with roberto, barga, canon 20 d
the week's re-cap...
three baby bears and one protective momma strolling
the neighborhood on buddha's birthday.
boxes, driving ,packing, boxes, a new zip code.
a cabin home, more trees than i can count, deer,
coyote, fox, a pond and a screened in porch to boot.
cubs win. (sorry tim)
kick butt tickets to james taylor.
finally tired of gypsy living.
packing, unpacking, painting, and more boxes.
letting go of expectations that others should react the same way
i would in a given situation, and seeing how much easier life is this way.
connecting phone calls from overseas.
a horse named apollo who eats apples gently and an earth
angel named tracy.
spring blooms and thunderstorms.
" i feel the steady pull of things that I can't see and
i think i like it.." ~ jonatha brooke
its as if life is dragging me to places wether i am choosing it or not.
im beginning to accept the absolute loss
of control i have, and ironically discovering that
i feel more peaceful than i ever did when my ducks were all in a row.
according to the stress test and points accumulated for the number of life changes in a short amount of time, i should win a free trip to a rest home. . . but instead, im pushing (or being pulled) onward,
and im almost there.
i can feel it.
and i think i like it.
Posted by jen at 07:01 PM | link | Comments (288)
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April 08, 2006
thank-you notes....
barga wall on walk with sue, canon 20d
thank you.
for your letters.
for your calls.
for the wine and the flowers.
for the cds and the photographs.
for the art, for the scarf and the hat...
thank you for showing me where the ladder is.
and for reminding me i still have muscle power.
and that i dont have to be what anyone else wants me to be.
and for making me laugh so hard that the cry-tears turn into
the kind that dont sting.
thank you for being patient while i fought with the shadows
and for not leaving me alongside the road during the worst of times.
thank you for dragging me back even if i resisted every inch.
and for making a home for me when i didnt have one of my own.
thank you for understanding and not blaming and not judging
and for forgiving how many times i pushed you away.
thank you sky, sea, mountains, and trees for always knowing
exactly what i needed, at just the right time.
thank you for your kindness even though i didnt know you
and for the wine and the smokes and the view from your deck.
thank you for making me feel beautiful again
and thank you for reminding me what it is all about anyhow. . .
thank you for the knowing that you will always
be there for me, as
you have been for my entire life.
thank you for stitching up my heart.
thank you for helping me to know that it just doesnt
matter anymore because i still have a most beautiful life.
thank you italy.
and thank you for taking me to hear the nun's sing.
thank you for helping me get through those nights
and for listening, and for letting me finally say what
i needed to say.
thank you for not striking me with a bolt when i told you that you sucked
at being god and that i didnt like you anymore. thanks for loving me
enough to handle my doubt.
thank you for taking care of the kitties and everything else while
i ran.
thank you for letting me figure out how to breathe on my own
and thank you for teaching me all that car stuff.
thank you.
all of you.
xo
Posted by jen at 11:17 AM | link | Comments (76)
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April 07, 2006
real.....
The Real Work
It may be that when we no longer know what to do
we have come our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go
we have come to our real journey.
The mind that is not baffled is not employed.
The impeded stream is the one that sings.
~ Wendell Berry
Posted by jen at 10:31 AM | link | Comments (300)
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April 05, 2006
walk on by....
barga, italy ~ canon 20d
"Well it could be I was mistaken
Could be that I deceived myself
But it's hard to understand somebody
Who doesn't want to understand himself...." ~glen phillips
sometimes it is best to walk away.
you just might discover the peace of mind you once knew...
Posted by jen at 07:54 PM | link | Comments (444)
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April 04, 2006
sweeping....
bertagni broom in barga, canon 20d
for months i wondered if i would ever be happy again.
for months i feared slipping further into the sadness.
for months i felt my life force and my strength and my
courage slipping through my fingers....
i just got lost.
maybe that is what was needed.
to be stripped down of all my securities and have my
pretty little nest blown out of the tree.
i admit, i fell hard. i made alot of wrong turns,
and i didnt do the best job at
taking care of myself...
but i can feel it coming back.
i can feel me... its a small feeling, but its the feel of life.
she is different.
she doesnt give a shit about alot of things that used
to keep her up at night.
she is still willing to be loving,
but no longer willing to be everyone's medicine.
she likes be alone, even at night.
she knows how to tend to her own fire.
i remember my mom said i would get to this place and i
couldnt believe her. but she was right...
for months i have been cleaning house,
and i am finally ready to enjoy the company of myself.
Posted by jen at 09:30 AM | link | Comments (181)
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April 02, 2006
coffee talk....
cafe, italy of course.... ~ canon 20d
the thing is,
i do have to change
and i do want to change alot
of things about myself.
but in the process, i cannot lose the core of who
i am. i am willing to compromise, i am willing to be flexible,
i am willing to consider a completely different view point.
...but i cannot go against the grain of my soul.
in fact, thats the one area i wont budge on.
this has nothing to do with religion or politics...
im talking about respecting myself enough to honor
every little smidge of my soul. no matter what the cost.
in the past , as rebellious as i am, i often allowed the opinions of
others to tell me what was right, how to behave, and how to secure
a perfect little life... i alllowed guilt and false ideas about my worth
and the expectations of others to dictate my life.
no more.
and if it means i will be a traveling gypsy
with chaos and a few
hurricanes, so be it.
the most important voice in my life right now
is my own.
Posted by jen at 08:38 AM | link | Comments (611)
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April 01, 2006
strong....
beach boards, canon 20s
maybe it was the good night's sleep,
or the coffee this morning,
or how brilliant the spring is feeling,
or the chat with my friend's little daughter...
but today i feel like i can do anything.
i feel unstoppable.
and i wonder what that is ~
how from one day to the next i can feel so differently.
i felt like such crap yesterday and wanted only my bed.
today im running to get outside take hold of the reins of my life,
or let go of them completely if that is what is needed...
whatever its is, however it is possible that i feel so strong,
i am so very happy to know i still have it within me.
Posted by jen at 09:32 AM | link | Comments (375)
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