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March 30, 2006
forgetting to look down...
finger tree, barga ~ canon 20 d
not only did i trip, but i tumbled, at least four full body rolls.
its my insistance on wearing groovy boots when i am out trespassing,
and the fact that i tend to always look up at the trees
in search of hawks, instead of at the ground before me
that leads me to such fabulous
wipe outs.
a part of me likes it. grass stains in my jeans, mud on my palms, leaves and twigs in my braids. like a good old fashioned wrestling match with the earth.
Posted by jen at 06:35 PM | link | Comments (177)
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March 29, 2006
drop.
devils bridge, barga ~ canon 20 d
There will come a time when you believe everything is
finished. That will be the beginning.
~Louis L'Amour
i remember my friend moe telling me about this place, where everything you once believed drops at your feet, and how when this happens, it is the most sacred place, because that is when truth will finally be able to move in .
i have had to drop so many things. beliefs about love, about myself, about prayer, and god, and being good, and being bad, and the power i give to my past....i have had to drop what i thought was security, what i thought was the perfect life, what i thought was a woman who had "done her work"....
everything has been stripped of me. and though the shedding of the skin was at times the most painful of things, i am feeling a strange new sense about life.
i will make no conclusions or interpretations at this point. another thing i have had to drop.... instead, i remain quietly with my hands open, waiting to see what appears.
everything in asheville is in bloom, the birds are crazy with song and the air smells so sweet. i do not want to speak today. i want to be alone.i want to find the pine needled path and walk until everything i need to drop sweats out of my being. finally, the need to hold on so tightly i no longer have the energy for.
Posted by jen at 07:13 AM | link | Comments (252)
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March 27, 2006
seaonal....
pretty barga nook, canon 20d
aint spring a mighty fine thing?
Posted by jen at 06:36 PM | link | Comments (117)
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March 26, 2006
symphony....
resting, italy ~ canon 20 d
"To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not, rich; to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages, with open heart; to study hard; to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, await occasions, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common--this is my symphony. ~ william henry channing
and so it goes. the beauty of life's transitions. flitering out what really matters,
letting go of what no longer works, not giving a hoot about the things that used to keep me up at night, enjoying small moments of peace, and seeing with new eyes... i am finally getting to the place where i am beginning to discover beauty again.
Posted by jen at 05:58 AM | link | Comments (967)
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March 24, 2006
gone again....
seed shop, barga 20 d
road trip musts:
the weepies
pink martini
joshua radin
glen phillips
greg brown
(and karen carpenter and barry manilow and i dont care what you say)
Posted by jen at 07:02 PM | link | Comments (1084)
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March 23, 2006
solitude....
we love silvano, barga ~ canon 20d
"what a commentary on civilzation when being alone is considered suspect; when one has to apoligize for it, make excuses, hide the fact that one practices it ...like a secret vice. "
~anne morrow lindbergh
okay, so im 39 and have no children and no husband. unimaginable to most.
i go to dinner by myself, go to parties by myself, take road trips by myself, and
sip wine at the pub by myself. yes, i get lonely at times and often long just for the company of someone, but for the most part i make do. i have three cats that dont make the bed feel so empty at night, especially when they are sleeping on top of my head.
but what i find most disturbing, is how my aloneness makes others uncomfortable. friends have told me they feel sorry for me. i have to remind them that i actually enjoy my company.... its not the applauds i receive for ending a relationship that no longer benefits my husband or i, its the pity and the fear of others because i am now alone.
im here to tell the world, as hard as it has been....
me,myself, and i are doing just fine.
off to asheville....see ya chicago
Posted by jen at 09:28 AM | link | Comments (222)
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March 22, 2006
yup......
our darling seed girl, barga ~ canon 20 d
smiles just might be the very best invention.
Posted by jen at 12:30 PM | link | Comments (438)
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March 20, 2006
cracking up, in a good way...
if you only knew...., canon 20 d
take note of the happiest man i have ever met.
so positive, so alive, so energetic, forever smiling.
mr. umberto fantastico, mayor of barga.
being around him just brings
out the giggles.
and apparently that is just what i need.,
i went to the doctor today because i have this ugly rash around
my eyes, and the doctor tells me its from all the crying ive been doing.
the salty tears, the rubbing with kleenex....only i could have an allergic reaction
to my own tears. her prescription? besides a mild lotion, no more crying!
and lots more laughing.
and i happen to be vain enough to take her advice seriously,
so enough with my cry baby episodes... im turning the switch.
back to asheville soon. im told everything is
blossoming and getting warmer.
im looking forward to a new season....
with rash free eyes of course.
Posted by jen at 12:11 PM | link | Comments (49)
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March 19, 2006
love songs suck....
bell, canon 20 d
absolutely nothing to say today
except that if neil sedaka shows up my doorstep singing
"breaking up is hard to do" i may just have to shoot him
in the head.
Posted by jen at 04:39 PM | link | Comments (123)
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March 18, 2006
you put your head in, you put your head out..
barga pup, canon 20 d
so im sitting at this bar and on the wall is a sign that says:
"What if the hokey pokey IS what its really all about?"
Posted by jen at 12:13 PM | link | Comments (1171)
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March 17, 2006
the unveiling....
macaroni consumed here, barga ~ canon 20 d
the only good thing about the ending of a relationship, is that you are given the opportunity to finally be everything that you really are. no more conforming,
no more hiding your inner desires, no more pretending to like football and
pizza.
after 14 years, i am beginning to understand who i am apart from being a wife.
somethings remain the same.
i still love music and dancing and art and children and photography.
i still love to tresspass and collect stories from small towns.
i still need doses of nature more than i do food.
but there are now other parts emerging.
and she is a bit more wild, alot more braver, a tad bit risky, a ton more independent ,and way less concerned about pleasing people and living up to others expectations.
and i like her.
i know my husband will be finding parts of him that stayed hidden during our marriage and i wish for him to step into his skin fully and live the richest kind of life.
so today,
this girl,
the rebellious one, is going to tromp off and muster up a little fun.
and its okay that i am by myself, i have enough of you within my heart to keep me company...
p.s. gramma c, this ones for you....
Posted by jen at 01:34 PM | link | Comments (78)
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March 16, 2006
how he talks to me...
barga angels, canon 20d
this was by far the most amazing and
beautiful cemetery i have ever seen.
the energy of this place was so
strong, and unlike anything i have ever experienced.
i felt death, i felt life, i felt sorrow, i felt love,
i felt history, i felt stories,
i felt prayers, i felt loss, i felt heaven.
i felt every emotion from the pit of my heart.
it was at this very statue i prayed.
i asked god to help me, which i try not to do too often
because i am certain he has far bigger things to deal with.
but i asked. and i asked god to remove the
depression that has been strangling me.
and i asked god to please take care of my
ex-husband and give him
the best possible life.
i asked god to help me get my head out
of my ass and get on
with living.
now i admit. i secretly expected the sky to
open up and sprinkle down
a choir of angels and immediately heal me.
but no such thing.
in fact, things got worse upon my return
to the states and
i found myself really annoyed with god.
i mean, what the hell?... i really dont ask him for much
and havent i done enough time in pitsville?
so, of course, as i am acting like a pouty little baby
because i feel god is ignoring me, i get a call from
one of my kindest friends. and the sound of
her voice alone reminds me everything is going
to be okay, and that life need not be so tragic,
and that i am not a worn out dress from a second
hand store, and that i am one of the brave ones,
and this makes me one of the lucky ones, ......
and thats all it took for me to get through the day.
i forget that god knows how to communicate with me best. and it is more
often than not, through the earth angels in my life ~ my dear and loving friends.
i hear you god.
thank you. and sorry for forgetting
that you have never ever ignored me.
Posted by jen at 08:18 AM | link | Comments (61)
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March 15, 2006
impossible....
clothes line in barga, canon 20 d
oh my.
impossible to find the right words for my time in italy.
if i was able to come up with the perfect sentence to sum
up my experience, it would surely include the words
luscious
passionate
beautiful
peaceful
hilarious
loving
healing
filling
musical
artful
spiritual
freeing....
it was the feeling of home to me though not an ounce of italian blood runs
through this body. all i can think about is returning. and staying as long as i can.
this was the best trip of my entire life.
thank you my dear bertagni family, and all my beautiful new friends
who walk the streets of barga....
i will be back.
Posted by jen at 09:36 AM | link | Comments (61)
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March 09, 2006
trippin....
green coat pub, london
here is our first beer, in a london pub, on our way to italy.
now that we have settled into the lovely town of barga,
i just dont think i can bring myself to leave...
this is more than i had ever imagined.
life is good.
more to come.
Posted by jen at 04:51 AM | link | Comments (287)
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March 03, 2006
the hoping.....
photo taken by the ever so lovely andrea scher...
Like everyone she knows, she's holding out for true love,
waiting on an answer, ready for a change.
And everywhere she goes, she's just a little bit on the lookout.
A day might mean tomorrow, questions still remain.
It's not that she's so sad, she always was a happy soul.
But lately she gets to wonder to herself, what's the good of going on anymore?
I see her in her room, sitting at the window,
wondering if she's pretty, feeling just a little small tonight.
She thinks of going home, giving up on the city,
maybe moving back down to Mobile, it's not that far to fall.
I know she won't see me but I might just say anyhow,
if I could be right there right now as I myself was told.
Hold tight to your heart's desire, never ever let it go.
Let nobody fool you into giving it up too soon.
Tend your own fire, lay low and be strong,
Wait it out, wait it out, wait it on out.
Wait it out, let it come along, oh, wait awhile, wait awhile.
~james taylor
i am off to italy and hope to return with a clear head, a light heart, and some fabulous shoes. i am excited to spend time with my dearest friend, collect stories, take photos, visit the ancient churches, listen to music, and dance swirly drunk at midnight ...
even though some things suck, so many things are good.
and i think i feel hope growing. i really do...
ahh...hope. i forgot about you....
Posted by jen at 10:23 AM | link | Comments (436)
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March 02, 2006
goodbye dee...
because most of the time i like pets more than people...
We lost a good friend…..
The best kind of friend.
I will miss kissing her neck.
And how she would moan when i would sing “little red caboose” into her ear.
I will miss how we could spoon perfectly.
I will miss how should we look at me a certain way when she wanted "the foodies” and another way when she want “the drinkies”.
I will miss wrapping up shrimp tails in my napkin at the sushi place and saving them for her because it was her favorite treat.
I will miss coming home and seeing her sister Jo-jo sound asleep on top of her.
I will miss how even though she could no longer use three of her legs she could still hop across the room on the one that worked
And how even on the days when she felt so horrible she would still wag her tail when i greeted her.
Her dad, Jeff, took such good care of her and was dedicated to making sure her last months were as good as they can be. I know his missing is incomparable to my own. And i know you never get over losing a good friend, you just get through it.
we love you dexter doo da dee..
Posted by jen at 10:01 AM | link | Comments (293)
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March 01, 2006
off....
inner beauty, canon 20d
so... im off to italy.
and if i dont come back you can certainly understand why, right?
im pretending i am diane lane in under the tuscan sun, minus the part where
she has the hook up with the scammer italian man.
its been great to be home and see friends and family and my kitties,
but the memories are brutal, and i just no longer feel at home here.
so i am glad to be going.
the gypsy girl is off.
thank you for all of your kind words of support....it has meant so much.
ill keep you posted.
( or maybe not ) :)
Posted by jen at 06:12 PM | link | Comments (313)
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