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February 26, 2006
there. i said it.
prickly burrs, canon 20d
the truth is,
what i have really been wanting to say for months is:
GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE SUCKS!
i am heartbroken and sad and lost and confused and scared and
unsure as to how i am going to make it from here on out.
there.
i said it.
done.
Posted by jen at 07:57 PM | link | Comments (84)
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February 25, 2006
soon...
tree hand, canon 20 d
soon i will be back and get to see my three kitties.
soon i will get to sleep in the home i used to love so much.
soon i will get to see my friends, who are nothing but kind, who are nothing but supportive, and who always make me feel good about myself.
soon i will get to see my dad who makes me feel everything will be okay.
soon i will get a break from the chaos.
soon i will be getting on the plane with sue and flying away to italy.
soon i will feel some relief.
after that, well, we will just have to see what unfolds.
i havent understood so many things that have happened lately,
especially the hurtful things, the confusing things,
but it is the hope of the goodness that still remains in my life, in spite of
everything, that keeps me hanging on.
soon...
Posted by jen at 09:26 AM | link | Comments (1036)
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February 24, 2006
today's prayer...
mountain cross, cano 20d
help me to know what to trust and to trust what i know.
Posted by jen at 07:03 AM | link | Comments (101)
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February 23, 2006
suddenly....
the first dandilion, canon 20 d
its so curious ~ one can resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. but then someone makes you a friendly sign from behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer.....and everything collapses. ~ colette
Posted by jen at 12:34 PM | link | Comments (300)
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February 22, 2006
wardrobe change....
asheville threads, canon 20 d
Everything changed the day they
figured out there was exactly enough
time for the important things in their lives.. ~ brian andreas
Posted by jen at 01:06 PM | link | Comments (736)
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February 21, 2006
shift it, baby.....
getting wiggy with it, canon 20d
okay, i realize my blog has had a majority of sad entires.,
but hey, its been a sad year and im not going to fake it just to make others
feel good. however, that doesnt mean i still dont have a basket
filled with good times as well... and i know its encouraging to hear
about those times too.
yesterday i had a stirring of anxiety building in my tummy.
i still get overwhelmed with the thoughts about my loss this year,
and how drastically my life has changed. usually it would take a little happy pill or my bed to settle me down. but i decided yesterday to shift it into something good. im done with feeling badly.
so i found myself walking into the local wig shop.( because sometimes a girl just needs a good wig and an oversized pair of sunglasses.) then i went to the cemetery that sits high on this hill and gives a fabulous view of the mountains.
i blasted Barry Manilow's Its a Miracle , because, well, it just works for me,
and i danced around in my green boots.
and thats all it took.
weird, isnt it?
enough with the meds, go get your self a new hairpiece.
Posted by jen at 10:15 AM | link | Comments (169)
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February 17, 2006
tumbling down....
sunrise on building, canon 20d
how ironic that everything i wrote about yesterday came
tumbling down today. and all my knowing went right out the window.
fortunately for me i had two little angels remind me and listen
to me and love me back into a place of understanding.
to add to my list from yesterday,
i know now that just because i believe in treating
someone a certain way doesnt mean i should ever expect
another to be the same way.
i know now that i still have the best kind
of friends in the whole wide world who
care enough to hold the broken pieces of
my heart ~ as ugly or pathetic as they may seem,
with gentle hands....
i know now what i look like after i have been
bawling my eyes out. and its like this kid who got bit in the eye by a mosquito. .
Posted by jen at 02:22 AM | link | Comments (321)
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February 16, 2006
today's knowing...
little mossy stick, canon 20d
i know now.
i cannot look to others to fill the void
or to make me happy.
if i set up that sort of dependency,
i will be a constant rollercoaster
of emotion.
i know now.
i cannot measure my beauty by
what others find to be beautiful.
if i do, i will forever feel like i
am never enough.
i know now.
some things just do not last forever.
and the sooner i realize that,
the sooner i will stop being so
disappointed.
i know now.
the past can either be my chains
or my teacher. one will keep me stuck
the other will allow me to be free.
i know now.
if i give my power away i have no
one else to blame but myself if i get taken advantage of.
and i can still be loving and strong
at the same time.
i know now.
the times i have ignored the voice inside
i have always paid the price for it.
i need to listen to her and trust her
if i hope to stay guided by spirit.
Posted by jen at 09:04 AM | link | Comments (188)
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February 15, 2006
listen.
table side, canon 20d
what i really admire about her is the gift she has in knowing
how to listen deeply. i think thats why she attracts so many
people, its not because she is telling them about her exciting
life, its because she is asking others about theirs.
she asks the questions. and when the other is replying i can tell
she is not zooming ahead in her thoughts as to what to say next.
she is authentically paying attention to what is being said.
she is one of those friends with whom you one day realize,
"oh my gosh ~ i do not know these things about her because
i am always doing the talking..."
gabbers are a dime a dozen but those who know the art of listening
are rare gems. and they certainly deserve some air time.
thank you for all the times you listened dear one...thank you.
Posted by jen at 11:45 AM | link | Comments (292)
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February 12, 2006
choice......
my new favorite shoes, canon 20 d
trust me., i have plenty to think about that could pull me
into a dark hole of sadness. but whats the point?
if the sadness needs to come forth, i know it will, i never have a
problem crying .
or i could sit here and think about the mountains and the
trees that surround my beautiful little home.
and my incredible landlord who
bakes me cookies and chops wood for my fire.
i could think about how i have a chance to
recreate a new life,
how i still have my family and
my friends who never left,
and how i have a hundred adventures just waiting
to be had.
my life does not have to be so tragic,
i am lucky and i am strong and i am beautiful.
and i have the ability to make this day one way
or another simply by what i choose to put
thoughts upon.
im making this day a good one.
p.s. im love love loving
Kiff's new cd....perfect.
and if you have not yet gotten Deb and Steve's
new cd, you are so missing the boat.
Posted by jen at 07:03 PM | link | Comments (676)
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February 09, 2006
you.......
little berries, canon
this one goes out to you.
yes you.
i know you think this time just blows,
and you are right. it does.
but also know this time will not last.
so just do your best to hang in,
to surround yourself with good and loving people.
we all go through the fire at one point or another,.
and this is yours.
but on the other side things will be revealed to you,
and skin will be shed,
and history will fall away,
and new apprecation and strength will be gained.
and you will feel good......
you are not being punished.
this isnt bad karma.
its just a part of being a human and living in this world.
many have walked on this exact same sidewalk,
you are not alone.
i am here.
i support you.
ill sit beside you.
together we can make it through.
p.s you are not crazy. enough of that word.
Posted by jen at 08:38 PM | link | Comments (74)
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February 08, 2006
finding fire...
the way she speaks, canon 20d
now that i have gotten off the turnpike,
now that i have made the steps,
now that i have done what i have needed to do,
its time to get my fire back.
and here is today's recipe:
1.wear those fabulous go-go boots.
2.go exploring with camera.
3.listen to the superman mix (songs from sue that makes
me feel like kick-ass, beautiful girl)
4.call david, hear his laugh and be reminded that my story doesn't matter.
5.wear my fav blushing lip gloss.
6.do one kind thing and tell no one about it.
7.walk in the woods, find a place to write away my moods.
8.dance to lionel richie and afternoon delight.
9.practice italian and think about Barga.
10. stay off the phone, off the computer, and miles away from any tv.
11. trespass.
*****************************************************************
PLEASE keep sending me your favorite restaurant web designs, as well as your favorite mexican restaurant and what the best thing is on the menu. Thank you to all of you who have been helping me with this ! :)
e-mail: jen@jengray.com
Posted by jen at 09:13 AM | link | Comments (321)
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February 07, 2006
favorites.....
puppylove, canon
could you help me with a little project i am working on?
please send me your favorite restuarant web site ~ im strictly wanting to see the design style of the site.
secondly, id like to know your most favorite mexican resturant you like to dine at, and the one dish on the menu you think is the best.
hearing from you is much better than doing the research at the library :)
thank you.
jen@jengray.com
Posted by jen at 09:13 AM | link | Comments (0)
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found.....
herman's orchid, mamiya 645afd
and then one day she began to feel the happiness return to her body.
it had been gone so long she wasnt even sure that was what it was.
she had forgotten how it felt.
yes, she is living an untraditional life,
and many would never dare the risk it takes to get off the merry go round.
but the only way she could really find what makes her happy
was to be removed away from it all.
stripped down. released from
the constant movement
and it was hard.
and it sucked.
and it was damn lonely.
but now its happening. . .
and the smile is finally retrurning to her face.
and her happiness is authentic.
she is discovering what it is she really wants
and what she must be willing to let go of.
now treasuring the days of finally feeling good,
she has become stronger
at protecting this new found beauty,
and no one going to take this from her.
it is hers.
and it is deserved.
and it has been missed.
Posted by jen at 08:51 AM | link | Comments (530)
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February 06, 2006
monday...
shoe collection, canon 20 d
Why lay yourself on the torturer’s rack of
the past and future?
The mind that tries to shape
tomorrow beyond its capacities
will find no rest.
Be kind to yourself, dear- to our innocent follies.
Forget any sounds or touch you knew that did not help you dance.
You will come to see that all evolves us.
If you put your heart against the earth with me,
in serving every creature, our Beloved will enter
you from our sacred realm
and we will be, we will be
so happy. ~ rumi
Posted by jen at 12:19 PM | link | Comments (110)
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February 01, 2006
tagged....
my knees, taken by andrea
ive been tagged by a superhero ....
Four jobs I've had:
social worker...out to save the world
preschool teacher...days wth magical 4 years olds
camp counselor...best job ever
window dresser....getting personal with mannequins
Four Movies I can watch over and over:
to kill a mockingbird
harold and maude
out of africa
almost famous
Four Places I've Lived:
chicago, IL
key west,FL
bristol,NH
asheville,NC
Four TV shows I love:
the weather channel
the travel channel
andy griffith
twilight zone. (this selection makes me wonder if i could possibly be a nerd)
Four places I've vacationed:
nevis
elbow cay
cozumel
st.kitts
Four of my favorite dishes:
angel hair pasta with pesto and pine nuts
chicken noodle soup without the chicken
roasted potatoes with garlic and rosemary
sharp cheedar cheese. yup. straight up.
Four sites I visit daily:
andrea
stef
maya
let it fall
Four places I would rather be right now:
with my friend, driving in the car, singing cheesy songs
in my bed, snuggled in with my three kitties
in the middle of the secret pine forest of yellow springs, ohio
75 feet under the ocean, on a clear sunny day, swimming beside a sea turtle
Four bloggers I'm tagging:
stef
marycatherine
matirose
rachael
Posted by jen at 10:47 PM | link | Comments (393)
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steady pull....
new jewels, canon 20 d
i cant tell you my plans...
they're still in the works
but this time, i am not writing them.
they are coming from within ~
almost as if an author has taken up shop in my heart.
i have surrendered the control.
i have never been this way.
i have always known what and when and how and where.
i have always had the goals and the plans and the directions
held tightly in the grip of my palm.
but the recent slam of this past year has made me a bit more open
to possibilities and adventures i have never considered. and truthfully,
i havent the energy to be such a control freak anymore.
so i stand with my hands open, surrendering the driver's
seat to the writer in my heart.
i trust her now...
" i feel the steady pull of things that i cant see....and i think i like it."
~jonatha brooke
Posted by jen at 08:56 AM | link | Comments (240)
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