|
« December 2005 |
Main
| February 2006 »
January 31, 2006
lyrical...
in line, canon20d
i do believe it’s true
that there are roads left in both of our shoes...."
~ soul meets body, death cab for cutie
Posted by jen at 02:06 PM | link | Comments (312)
.......................
January 30, 2006
seeing blue...
black mounatain blues, canon ps
the blues.
if you have had them, really had them,
then you know.
i have cursed them. every single shade.
but i am coming to realize that the blues are a wake up call
that something in your life needs attention.
body, mind, soul, or heart.
the blues have forced me to dig down deep, clean house,
and find survival skillls i didnt know existed in me.
they have made me more soft,
less worried about trivial matters,
and they have made me completely cherish the
days when a different color is
dominating the stage.
the blues have made me a little more quiet.
and a little less tolerant for meaningless gab.
i can spot a blue one from a mile away
and i can equally spot the ones who have
never had to wear them.
but mostly,
the blues have forced me to look at my life
and make the necessary changes so my days
no longer have to have the impending knock of sadness
at my door.
i never thought i would ever see the gift in the blues,
but as my life unfolds,
and as i am able to see things from a higher view,
i am getting it, and dare i say i am even grateful.
Posted by jen at 08:25 AM | link | Comments (422)
.......................
January 28, 2006
imperfect....
pilsen wall, canon 20d
in trying to be perfect
i silence the things i really want to say.
but the words always find their way out
in some sarcastic little way....
and that is perfectly ugly.
in trying to be perfect
i try to make everyone happy
by putting their needs first,
but it takes so much energy....
and that is perfectly exhausting.
in trying to be perfect
i make decsions swayed by your approval,
and then i get angry for not not doing what i really want....
and that is perfectly my own fault.
in trying to be perfect
i have made alot of mistakes.
i concentrated so much on
watching my steps that i
walked right into a brick wall.
and that is perfectly clueless.
the rest of the weekend i want to be completely
and totally, imperfectly human....and if the
brick wall hits, i will, at the very least,
see it coming.
Posted by jen at 01:47 PM | link | Comments (605)
.......................
January 27, 2006
riding the faith wave...
mission, on the way to swirly's, canon 20d
"be not the slave of your own past~
plunge into the sublime seas,
dive deep,
swim far,
so you shall come back
with self respect,
with new power,
with an advanced experience,
that shall explain
and overlook
the old....." r.w.emerson
Posted by jen at 09:43 AM | link | Comments (328)
.......................
January 25, 2006
big fat hairy deal....
shrooms, canon 20d
"Whenever you feel shame, consider it a signal to
act forcefully—not by beating yourself up,
but by siccing your inner bitch on the shame itself.
So you've made mistakes? "Big, fat, hairy deal,"
your inner bitch will say. Learn from your errors and
do better next time. Afraid you'll fail and look stupid?
Your inner bitch doesn't give a
damn how you look; she'd rather try and fail
than not try at all. Let your bitchiest side
attack your shame, actively and aggressively,
until you are certain that no choice you make
is based on either the fear of being shamed or
the intent to shame anyone else.
One thing's for sure: If any woman unleashes her creativity,
her world will split open. She'll find unprecedented ways of
solving problems, bridging gaps, and expressing her soul,
and her corner of the world will be irrevocably changed.
I'm not sure what the changes will be, but I know the words
I'd use to describe them: Bitchin', baby. Bitchin'. " martha beck
Posted by jen at 09:24 AM | link | Comments (965)
.......................
January 24, 2006
braiding prayers.
keri's sweet little head, canon 20d
i am doing better,
i am getting to the other side,
i still miss things and people and places and gosh how i miss my cats.
but when life demands you make a choice
i know ignoring it will only make you sick.
and the fear of changing is worse than the fear
of not. at least for me it is.
i am in this new town, and nobody knows me.
nobody asks me the questions or has expectations
of who i should be or how i should behave.
i have no one to take care of.
there is freedom there. there is lonliness,
but there is freedom.
the mountains and the trees and the sky comfort me continiously.
i was always an earth baby, digging in the mud, collecting stones and sniffing
around for pine tree forests. i know for now, this is a healing place for me to have landed.
and as i sit here listening to the pops of the wood burning in my fireplace, looking outside, secretly hoping to see a bear, i do know, things are going to be okay.
when i braid my hair in the morning i think of all of my beauties out there, going through all sorts of transitions....doing their best to make it through the circles they are walking in. and
as i twine my hair i say a prayer for each one of them. . .
we are going to make it girls, we are strong and brave and lovely.
we are twined together and carry big hearts.
thank you for the strength you have given me to make it this far.
Posted by jen at 04:56 PM | link | Comments (739)
.......................
January 23, 2006
a rare find...
black mountain chair, canon sd400
she reminded me that every second was
worth it all because on the other side of this,
i would have my real life to show for it...and
these days, that was a rare find.
Posted by jen at 02:33 PM | link | Comments (302)
.......................
January 22, 2006
go figure....
chains, canon 20d
seems like even if i am not up for learning the lesson
i get to have it whether or not i want it.
i mean, really, who wants to learn non attachment
and letting go. certainly not me. i want to hold everyone
inside my pocket forever. i want to never have to say goodbye
and feel the heartache of loss. i love what i love and this makes this
particular aspect of spiritual growth a doozie.
the only way i seem to be able to practice this non attachment
thingy, is by not feeling. by being numb. by disassociating.
and somehow i know that isnt the way. it makes me feel like a robot.
and im too soft to be robotic.
none the less, im sitting smack dab in the middle of this precept
and i know if i dont get this one down ill just keep getting it again
and again. so im just going to have to buck up and learn.
i suppose this makes me attached to the idea of learning non attachment.
Posted by jen at 09:36 AM | link | Comments (69)
.......................
January 20, 2006
dreamer.....
abbey, keeper of fairies~ canon 20d
creative
perceptive
dancer
artist
beautiful
confident
joyous
winner of hearts
innocent....
pay attention world...she carries the essence of the magic of tomorrow.
Posted by jen at 10:54 PM | link | Comments (526)
.......................
January 18, 2006
ever...
christine's twirly skirt, canon 20d
but at the end of it all she
got her sass back.
and you know,
a girl must never ever lose her sass.
Posted by jen at 08:43 AM | link | Comments (166)
.......................
January 17, 2006
ramble out yonder....
wherever we were, california ~ canon 20d
"One final paragraph of advice: ... It is not enough to fight for the land; it is even more important to enjoy it. While you can. While it is still there. So get out there and mess around with your friends, ramble out yonder and explore the forests, encounter the grizz, climb the mountains. Run the rivers, breathe deep of that yet sweet and lucid air, sit quietly for a while and contemplate the precious stillness, that lovely, mysterious and awesome space. Enjoy yourselves, keep your brain in your head and your head firmly attached to your body, the body active and alive, and I promise you this much: I promise you this one sweet victory over our enemies, over those deskbound people with their hearts in a safe deposit box and their eyes hypnotized by desk calculators. I promise you this: you will outlive the bastards." edward abbey
hell yeah!
Posted by jen at 09:38 AM | link | Comments (1374)
.......................
January 14, 2006
tribe on....
her colors, canon 20d
i had forgotten how powerful it can be spending
time with a tribe of women of like-mind.
i feel inspired.
i feel understood.
i feel excited about my life.
i had forgotten how supportive it can be surrounding myself
with those who are also committed to a soulful and creative journey.
i feel connected.
i feel strong.
i feel hopeful.
this weekend has been,
oh gosh, should i say it?
yes, i will say it....
a life changing sort of thing.
i love you all my beauties....
thank you for sharing and listening and accepting.
thank you for showing up,
for not performing,
for exposing your hearts.
(and for joining me in the Eye of the Tiger dance-a-thon
and the Lionel Richie fantasy fest.)
Posted by jen at 08:35 PM | link | Comments (123)
.......................
January 12, 2006
vacation high....
graffiti lane, asheville ~ canon 20d
i am off to santa barbara to spend the weekend with a grand collection
of creative, beautiful, and brilliant women:
pixie
christine
andrea
keri
christine
penelope
kate
katrina
i get to end this retreat by seeing deb and steve
in concert.
life is good.
Posted by jen at 07:44 AM | link | Comments (231)
.......................
January 10, 2006
still.....
vera's stones, canon 20d
the gift in having been through so many sad days, is that when you have a
fairly normal day, it feels incredible, it feels like the best kind of thing...
and as i sit in my cozy new home, with the fire crackling, and watching
the clouds lift to reveal my mountain view, i know
this might be an average day to everyone else,
but to me it feels like a miracle.
and its easy to breathe.
and i can be quiet.
and it is good.
I am out here studying stones
Trying to learn to be less alive
Using all of my will
To keep very still
Still even on the inside..... ani difranco
Posted by jen at 08:21 AM | link | Comments (405)
.......................
January 08, 2006
scene change.........
watching, canon 20d
"When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.
When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened
or full of argument.
I don't want to end up simply having visited this world. ~ mary oliver
as crazy as this past year was,
as much as i have cried and yelled and pounded my fists,
as deep as the mud has seemed,
there are these moments when i can step back and watch it all,
and see how there is something being recreated here,.
and how there is something bigger than i know.
and how there is a better life to be had...
and today as i pack up my car and head to my new
nest, i feel a bit hopeful, and dare i say happy,
because one thing
i know about myself;
amongst all my ugly parts and my broken pathetic heart,
i will never ever settle for a life unlived. i will never be content
with being a bystander. i will never give up ~ even when i want to.
the little gypsy inside my soul will not allow me to ever have
dust upon my head.
Posted by jen at 09:53 AM | link | Comments (319)
.......................
January 07, 2006
sermon of the pulse...
go, canon 20 d
"jen..."
"what?!" (sob, cry, snot stream, smeared mascara, piles of crumbled kleenex)
"do you still have a pulse?
"obviously."
"then you are not dead. so buck up and grab hold of your life.
its time. and besides, think of all the trees you are
indirectly killing because of your excessive
kleenex usage."
(i know he threw that tree thing in there just to get me. )
Posted by jen at 12:16 PM | link | Comments (359)
.......................
January 06, 2006
piece by piece...
operation, canon 20d
and so it goes.
piece by piece, my little perfect world unraveled.
and here i sit on the verge of changing
every
single
part
of
my
life.
my location, marital status, family, friends, career, home....nothing is the same.
ive even changed the color of my hair, well, because,
you know, thats what us girls do.
i could be the happy little blogger and tell you how excited i am to begin this new adventure and how i feel so magical and that this is a fabulous spiritual journey and namaste and blah blah blah....
but thats just a bunch a crap.
im scared. im nervous. im really sad. and i feel lonely.
im unsure and i dont know really what the hell i am doing.
and change is hard.
staying stuck is worse ~ but change like this is damn hard.
i am either insane or really advanced. i havent figured it out yet.
its a fine line. but when life throws you a curve you have a choice, either get smacked, or dodge the ball and carry on.
here i go... wish me luck, ill be needing it.
Posted by jen at 07:19 PM | link | Comments (328)
.......................
January 05, 2006
ill be seeing you again....
dear sweet wild lily, canon 20d
sometimes saying goodbye takes a really long time.
in fact i hate that word. lets not even say it.
and lets try to remember im not that far away on the map.
ill be taking each one of you in my heart
and loving you every second of the way.
p.s. get well soon uncle pauly. the goose needs you.
Posted by jen at 11:53 AM | link | Comments (98)
.......................
January 03, 2006
catching up...
perfect, canon 20d
The dream was always running
ahead of me. To catch up,
to live for a moment in unison with it,
that was the miracle. ~ anais nin
im getting there.
and i am close.
finally.....
finally.....
enough with complacency.
enough wishing.
enough dreaming.
enough waiting around for everyone else.
enough worrying about the "what ifs"
enough with living my life to please others.
the truth is, all along, i knew.
the truth is, the map was always there.
the truth is, god has been too ~ i just needed someone to blame.
the truth is, i was just chicken shit.
but im going to do it this time.
and no one is going to stop me.
not the fear.
not the sadness.
not a damn hurricane.
not the opinions.
not the expectations.
and certainly not society's rule book.
i have never been typical.
and my miracle wont be either.
you should know that by now.
Posted by jen at 04:37 PM | link | Comments (210)
.......................
January 02, 2006
2006
flower from the farm, wisconsin, canon 20 d
it was such a relief to throw away my calendar,
i know i had much to learn from this past year, but
i am so done with it.
i would like this year to be incredibly
better. ive made only one resolution,
and that is to walk the mountains which
surround my home and learn the name of each
and every plant and tree
which cover its body.
to me thats enough.
just to feel good,
to be at peace,
to have a quiet place to watch the
changing sky makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. .
Posted by jen at 01:08 PM | link | Comments (544)
.......................
|
