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December 28, 2005
anything....
bella girl, canon 20d
Listen to Mustn'ts, child, listen to the Don'ts.
Listen to the Shouldn'ts, the Impossibles, the Won'ts.
Listen to the Never Haves, then listen close to me.
Anything can happen, child, Anything can be.
-Shel Silverstein
this is little Bella. she is
filled to the brim with adventure and sparkle. bella is
crazy-happy, fearless, and she always stirring up the magic.
she made my weekend by demonstrating her fabulous
oompa loompa dance moves. she is a reminder to me
about living life fully and with grand wonder.
thank you sweet girl for sharing your beautiful spirit
with me.
Posted by jen at 12:25 PM | link | Comments (1315)
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December 27, 2005
keep it real....
kim's wigs, asheville, ~ canon 20d
" If I hide myself wherever I go
Am I ever really there?" ...barenaked ladies
Posted by jen at 08:28 AM | link | Comments (414)
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December 26, 2005
not a silent night...
on the way home from papa's house, yard art ~ photo by jeff
truthfully, i was dreading the holidays. this would be the first time i would be away from my family and home and the idea was a heavy one.
i was rescued by a dear friend and taken to his hometown
where i had the warmest, most magical time...
his family took me in as if i was one of
their own, and the weekend was filled with alot
of laughter, brilliantly beautiful children,
home cooked meals, music, dancing, dinosaurs, and singing...
and i was happy.
home can be anywhere.
even if it's miles away from your own.
Posted by jen at 08:02 AM | link | Comments (675)
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December 23, 2005
maybe....
asheville roadside art, canon 20d
Scattered shadows on the wall
You watch the lone light fall
Some impressions stay and some will fade
Tattered shoes outside your door
Clothes all on the floor
Your life feels like the morning after all year long
And every day it starts again
You cannot say you’re happy
You keep trying to be….
Try harder…
Maybe,
Maybe, this is not your year,
This is not your year….
All these tv screens reflect just what you expected
There’s a world of shiny people somewhere else
Out there following their bliss
Moving easy, getting kissed
while you wonder what else you’re doing wrong.
Maybe this is not your year... ~the weepies
Posted by jen at 11:53 AM | link | Comments (263)
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December 22, 2005
do not try this at home.
dumpster jump, asheville, canon 2od
i know, .....not the most eye catching shot.
but the story is the important part.
as i begin creating my new life, there are a few things i
would like to change, to leave behind.
one of those things is a crazy fear of heights that i have
it bugs me. because no tomboy should be a sissy on a ledge.
so the other evening as my friend and i passed this ledge and
saw below a dumpster filled to the rim with flattened cardbaord,
the dare came forth,...
lets jump, he said,
no way, i said.
and before i knew it he hopped the railing and landed
perfectly in the middle
of the dumpster bed.
and before i knew it, i hopped the railing and landed
perfectly in the middle pof the dumpster bed.
(however, i fell upon the dismount )
now i know my parents are concerned at this point that i am going to begin to do jackass stunts just to get over the fears in my life. dont worry, this isnt going to be the case.
its just that for one night, i was fearless. and it felt great. ive been such a nervous wreck for so long and it felt freeing to ignore the fear and just do it.
Posted by jen at 12:58 PM | link | Comments (333)
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December 21, 2005
finding home.....
off the porch, asheville ~ canon 20d
Happy holidays.
Ive almost forgotten its that time of year.....Spent a couple days on the road and landed in Asheville N.C.. a lovely, little, dreamy town surrounded by mountains and trees and an ever changing sky.
Im looking for my new home. it’s a strange quest to be on. Im literally looking on the map and trying to sense the place that might light up for me. Some of you have thought, how wonderful it must be to be able to pick up and start and brand new life. And while the gypsy in me agrees in that aspect, there is also a very overwhelming piece. Where will i stay, what will i do, can i manage being in a place where i am not connected to a single soul? I know they say "your home should be within you..." but come on, that just doesnt cut it for me at the end of the day. i need surroundings of a place where i feel like i can be at ease.
i dont know if it is here, i have more places to explore and nothing to stop me.
but for the time being, i am safe and sound, in a small cottage, with a view of the mountains and a cozy firepace at the end of my bed.
being alone doesnt have to be that tragic.
even if the entire world seems to be skipping around,
holding the hands of their loved ones, singing holiday songs and
re-arranging jesus in the manger.
****congrats to deb and steve ~( www.theweepies.com)
on their new cd! so so good!
Posted by jen at 01:41 PM | link | Comments (504)
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December 16, 2005
presents...
poppielicious, canon 300d
i think i just had my christmas.....
the night scooped up
great music
delicious food and yummy drinks served by justin (in hot jeans no less)
snowpants and snow angels
icecream made from snow
a sweet dear daughter helping me to find my cabin
a foot rub with oils
watching pasquale work his wonders and create beauty
crying of course
laughing for sure
a beautifully protective italian mother
a love note left in a spill of salt
cinderella scrubbing the floor
curling up with the most snuggly brown dog while a friend
whispered a prayer over my head for me as i slept....
Posted by jen at 10:02 AM | link | Comments (276)
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December 15, 2005
tangles...
tangles ~ on the path, canon 20d
its true.
in many ways i have become spoiled.
its embarrassing to admit, but things always seemed
to have come easlily for me.
i knew what i wanted and went after it.
and i really never considered things not
working out the way i hoped.
but now everything is changing.
and nothing is the same.
and things havent been coming so easily.
and while my friends and family are still there,
offering everything to me, i have this constant urging
to just go and be on my own.
i have to figure out what it is i want. i always knew, but
im not sure what that looks or feels like anymore.
but i do know this.
this time around, what i choose,
will not be based on another person.
it will not be based on guilt or obligation.
it will not be based on a relationship or pleasing others
or bowing down to what culture defines as appropriate.
it will not be based on being the "good girl" i have always been.
it will be from the deepest part of my guts
even if it scares the hell out of me.
it will be from my deepest desires and i will
find it no matter how much of a tangle i have
to get through to get there.
i still have the part of me that is strong.
i still have a solitary strength that can get me through.
i still have a part of me that knows enough not to sit around
waiting for the golden egg to land in my lap.
i still have the part of me that knows when it is time to go
even if it means a heart breaking rip.
and damn it ,
damn it,
damn it,
i am not too old.
so there.
Posted by jen at 12:27 PM | link | Comments (144)
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December 14, 2005
you...yes you...
back in the spring, canon 20d
your past does not have to define you.
mistakes only remain mistakes if you interpret them as such,
and if you have learned even one tiny thing
about yourself, then there is
value.
and if you change your life for the better,
then there is the gift.
you can always begin again.
so sit with me.
and know that its okay.
Posted by jen at 05:20 PM | link | Comments (281)
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December 13, 2005
god in a costume....
key west mary, canon 20d
"god if you’re there i wish you’d show me
and god if you care then i need you to know me
i hope you don’t mind me askin’ the questions
but i figure you’re big enough...." chris rice
its interesting who shows up and who needs to go away
when crisis swings through.
i know that some are just uncomfortable and dont
know what to say.i know that others are afraid
they may catch my sadness, like its a bad cold.
and for others, the rawness of my situation is too
close to their own situation, ~ to be around it,
to be around me, they would have to look at their own life.
and even though i know "god is always there,"
its sure as hell hasnt felt that way.
so its been a little lonely. conversations have mostly been between
the cats and i, and there have been a few forced attempts at prayer.
i dont know. god and i are in a weird place.
im just not feeling the love lately.
oh trust me, i know its my fault,
i know i am the fuck up.
i have so much doubt and mistrust. and lets face it,
if you cant trust god you are pretty much screwed.
the thing is, i really need something to believe in.
im not good at not having hope.
im not good at being disconnected spiritually.
i sat in an empty church tonight. i couldnt pray. so i sat and
played the piano. i had no words but the music flowing out
of me, spoke for me. thats the best i could do, and i hoped god
could decipher the notes.
when i left the church i was crying again ( this is getting to be so annoying)
and a little old man passed me as i walked through the door. he grabbed my mitten and said, "dont worry so much dear, its going to be okay. just you wait and see, god hears your prayers."
i wanted to grab onto this man and hold him forever, a stranger, not afraid of my sorrow and offering a little tenderness for this bashed up heart.
id like to believe it was god, just wearing a costume.
knowing i needed a little contact, a little reassurance.
just when im ready to throw up my arms,
god manages to keep me believing.
thank you god.
Posted by jen at 05:52 PM | link | Comments (503)
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December 12, 2005
smiles from boys in cars.
cute charlie, canon 20 d
you've been there. singing your lungs out, performing, while sitting in the drivers seat of your car, completely unaware that anyone might be watching,...
fortunately for me the cute boy who was watching me smiled and clapped his hands..it made me feel happy for a moment until it occurred to me that he probably wasnt even born when this song came out and would have no clue who carly simon was and that i would have more in common with his mother..oh well
I have no need of half of anything
No half time, no half of a man's attention
Give me all the earth and sky
And at the same time add a new dimension
Half the truth is of no use
Give it all, give it all to me
I can stand it
I am strong that way
Don't give me fountains, I need waterfalls
And, when I cry my tears'll fill an ocean
The pain of love I'll accept it all
As long as you'll join me in that emotion
Half of lovin' is no fun
Give it all, give it all to me
I can stand it
I am strong that way
Don't leave me guessing alone
Don't walk me half the way home
You can do that tomorrow... carly simon
Posted by jen at 05:41 PM | link | Comments (482)
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December 11, 2005
begin ....
tristan, canon 20 d
"just remember i love you and it will be alright".....firefall
Posted by jen at 07:18 PM | link | Comments (933)
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puppy love...
couldnt forget you little jo jo.....
Posted by jen at 07:00 PM | link | Comments (525)
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December 10, 2005
dig.
bulb with polka dot dew drops, canon 20d
normal day
let me be aware of the treasure you are.,
let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart.
let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.
let me hold you while i may, for it may not always be so.
one day i shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return... mary jean iron
p.s.
the biggest yahoo for Oprah choosing
kim and matt's delicious browines as one of her favorite things!
the best place i have ever worked and
a must for unique and beautiful christmas gifts. Give a visit to
besame mucho
my new favorite purchase made just in time for the snowfall.
***and finally, a shout out to all you folks familiar with or living in the Asheville, N.C., area. I want to know your favorite stomps, the off beat secrets, and the best of the best. will you please send your thoughts my way? jen@jengray.com .. much thanks.
Posted by jen at 01:52 PM | link | Comments (1103)
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December 09, 2005
dee-dee....
beautiful dex, canon 20 d
one of the most amazing pups i have ever met.
her name is dexter.
she has eyes that melt you and a neck you cant help but smush your
face into. and she has the prettiest paws around.
she cannot walk.
but she tries with all her might. in fact, she doesnt believe she cant. she tries every day.
her dad feeds her and takes her for walks so she can sniff the air.
she is not in pain, but people think just because her body doesnt
work like the others, she should be put to sleep.
but if you met her, you would understand. she is the most alive dog i have ever met. she talks and communicates in her own special language, she has an aqcuired taste for steak and shrimp tails, she loves to be snuggled and wrapped in warm blankets. she watches cartoons and lets her sister joey chew on her face without a snip.
her fighting spirit puts my own to shame.
and should i ever be old and unable to care for myself, i would be a queen to have someone like her dad to take care of me. he hasnt gotten a full nights sleep in months. he carries her up and down the stairs multiple times a day, he keeps her bed clean and soft with blankets, he takes her potty and gives her baths and cooks her special meals. he rubs the arm swollen with cancer until she falls asleep and talks her down when the anxiety sets in.
true love indeed,
a man and his dog.
a beautiful thing.
Posted by jen at 06:13 PM | link | Comments (971)
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December 08, 2005
i can be hopeful....
you know, key west ~ canon 20d
I misplaced my faith.
I threw away my hope.
I spit on trust.
I gave up on dreams .
I lost belief in goodness.
I trashed the idea of prayer.
And to boot, I kept a diet of smokes and pills and never slept.
Everything i ever believed in was no longer true.
And everything got so fucked up.
And i could not find a steady place to stand.
i fell and i fell and i fell. So much so i hadn’t the strength to get back up one more time.
But it was the love of my friends and family who brought me back.
The one who brought me the bouquet and a small kitty, the one who ran over in her pajamas and pounded on my door just to hold me for awhile, the one who met me for dirty martini’s and offered me her home,
it was the one who took me for dragon rolls and sat
with me as the sun set, it was the
the mom who opened her arms, her pointy shoes.
and my mom, who understands every single bit with
no judgment and who holds the best wisdom around.
It was the one who took me for drives up the keys
so i could be surrounded by the water on both sides,
and the one who cooked me dinner when we had no food. It was the one who stayed with me on the phone when i was praying a meteor would land on my head and finish me off.
It was the one who made me laugh over his ridiculous text messages.. It was my dad, whose common sense and easy love perfectly worked. It was my brothers and my sister whom i found such great comfort in, and made me feel so lucky to be connected to such incredible and soulful beings,.
It was a hundred e-mails from strangers over the web ~ bless you, bless you dear ones. It was three cats who laid with me while i rested.
It was the homeless man who called me “purty girl” every day i passed him, little did he know how that helped me battle all the ugliness i had been feeling.
I know i am sounding tragic..im well aware my life is far from bad, compared to most. But I believe it’s the only way through any difficulty is to feel it all. when i love, i love fully. when i grieve, its just as full. To scream and cry and pound it out until my heart can breathe again is all i know. I have no room to stuff the past, and no room to repeat behavior that no longer works. So i feel it big and i feel it large and i will push it through until i get to the other side of the road.
But i couldn’t do it alone.for the first time in my life i have had to ask for help and receive it. this was probably the hardest lesson of all. My insistence on taking care of myself and not letting others in, really in, and not accepting assistance ~ well, i was just a dumb ass to try and make it on my own.
tonight it snowed, and i felt at peace, somehow knowing,
there is another way for me. and it can be beautiful, and i can be hopeful...
i can be hopeful.
i can be hopeful.
and i do not have to do it alone.
Posted by jen at 08:16 PM | link | Comments (1235)
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December 07, 2005
every little single thing....
Strange to be back. The trees were green and full when i left.
Now they are boney and strung with holiday lights.
My home, it also felt strange. I forgotten how pretty the bedroom was. Three cats demanded my attention immediately. Somewhat pissed for my absence but more anxious for the familiar ear rubs and the curl of my hip to sleep beside.
i dug out my old boots, my winter coat,
found my mittens and woolen hat. I took a walk down by the river, now frozen and crackly.... and i found myself wondering what i am going to do next with this wild life of mine.
I used to be close to being pretty put together ~ at least on the outside. I used to be unstoppable and courageous and happy and everyone’s relief. Id be willing to do just about anything to make things right, but maybe that was my problem. Maybe i needed to quit trying so hard. And maybe i needed to stop expecting others to do the same.
Maybe i can finally stop feeling responsible for every little single thing.
Maybe this shitty time is actually my window. it has to be.
All i know is that there are times when life gives you an opportunity to make a change ~ and it can be tough as hell,
but the alternative is to stay stuck, to be emotionally paralyzed
and chained to the past. And like it or not, that is not an option for me.
I refuse to let this this time get the best of me,. I refuse to
be taken any further down. And as much as i would like to
avoid and pretend and not feel, i cannot. So all i can do is
buck up and keep on, keeping on.
I may fall a thousand more times, but they are only going
to be registered as mistakes if i do not learn from the wipe outs.
I may be a mess, but i am making my way through.
at least for today.
Posted by jen at 05:21 PM | link | Comments (535)
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December 04, 2005
put one foot in front of the other....
bag piper~mallory square, Canon 300d
i had mixed feelings as i pulled away yesterday.
especially after having spent probably the most fun i have had in
weeks the night before with a dear friend. tapas, and music, and
pool, and dancing, cheesy hashbrowns and a stolen monkey.
here i am now, half way home to a place i no longer feel
a connection to. maybe i will once i get there.
for someone who usually has a plan always stirring in her mind,
i must admit i havent a clue. i do not know where i will go next or
what i will be doing. i guess the first thing i will do is rest, see my
dear ones, snuggle down with three old cats, and switch my wardrobe
out from sundresses to sweaters.
then i will invite the next single step to come to me and hoprfully i will recognize it when it knocks.
i know i want to attribute more to this life than i have been.
i know i want to be surrounded by beauty and healthy mindsets.
i know i want music and and trails to get lost on.
i know that i want to change, to sweep the cobwebs,
to lose the sadness and get on with living.
i want to create and explore and rebuild the fire.
one thing i am not.
i am not the same person as i was before i left.
and maybe it was the shedding of the old skin, though incredibly painful,
which was the reason for it all.
to all of you who helped me along the way, i love you big.
Posted by jen at 08:45 AM | link | Comments (1450)
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