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November 29, 2005
three boxes...
garage sale religion, canon 20d
"You know you’ve done enough when every bone is sore
You know you’ve prayed enough when you don’t ask any more
You know you’re coming to some kind of understanding
When every dream you’ve dreamed has passed and you’re still standing"
~ patti griffin
i forgot the ups store was destroyed by wilma,
so i spent the day hunting for boxes and was able to find three.
three boxes to pack my life into.
time to clean house i suppose.
im not sure what lies ahead,
im not even making any plans,
i made plans before and they came crashing down.
so this time, ill just wing it and see where the wind takes me.
all i know is that i want a little peace
a little kindness
a little sweetness
and whole lot of quiet.
hopefully there was more to this time than just material for someone's book.
hopefully i will come out the other side something beautiful and more wiser.
hopefully i will have gained insight, strength, and the abilty to discern and set boundaries.
time will tell....
Posted by jen at 12:22 PM | link | Comments (418)
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November 28, 2005
lesson learned.
phillips, canon 20d shot by barron
nothing
and no one
is worth the toll on your soul.
i was reminded of this all too recently, unfortunately.
but the gift in it was the knowing that i do not have
to sacrifice who i am, or tolerate anything that isnt in sync with my being.
i am all about change and growth, but only if it is on the up and up.
and lately, ive just been in the down and downer. i am willing to see my shadows and take a look at what has gotten stirred up,
and i will make the
necessary changes.
i need to be aware of how i have been feeling. and i have been feeling
drained, and shocked, taken advantage of and beaten down.
all my ugly is at the surface and i feel like the person i really
am has gotten lost in the chaos.
maybe that is why the hard stuff happens.
to remind you of your fire and strength.
to remind you that no matter how fucked up things appear,
it doesnt have to dictate your life.
i am worn, true.
but not so worn that i do not know what i deserve.
not so worn that i am incapable for making choices that are healthy for me. not so worn that i dont recoginze a burning building.
i need my friends and my family and the community which loves and supports me. i have missed you. every single one so very much.
time for yet another change.
lesson learned.
Posted by jen at 06:35 PM | link | Comments (633)
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November 27, 2005
fight or flight...
sunset, key west ~ canon 20d
God turns you from one feeling to another
and teaches by means of opposites,
so that you have two wings to fly, not one. Rumi
a friend sent this to me recently and it couldnt be more fitting.
i feel like i have been on a ride of extemes. i am beyond familiar with
opposites.
now if i could just get my wings in shape im ready to
fly any place but where i have been.
its not a matter of escape. its a matter of feeding my soul
rather than letting it get fed upon. and maybe this is what i was
supposed to learn.
Posted by jen at 11:37 AM | link | Comments (618)
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November 23, 2005
random spill...
beet tail, canon 20 d
he said, "sometimes its hard just to breathe."
i understood.
he understands.
and somehow, that thought alone gave me comfort today.
we knew eachother from childhood.
i still have the red flannel he gave to me at summer camp.
and the wedding present he sewed together with his strong hands.
the only one who got my love for open sky and golden bean fields....
he was the boy i could be silent with.
and yet i knew he would listen to me through four seasons if i needed it.
so much is coming at me these days.
its sensory overload at best.
its my own fault, i soak everything in.
it leaves me dizzy. perahps that was the tequila i drank last night,.
today i wish i had the company of one who would take me to
the fields and let me sit there and not have to explain why.
today i wish i could sit with an old friend and not have to
pretend, or perform.
i miss the ease.
typical me. i finally get my ocean and i am back longing for the farms.
Posted by jen at 02:30 PM | link | Comments (215)
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November 20, 2005
beginnings... again.
sweet dear tessa, canon 20 d
i can go anywhere.
and i just might.
i used to dream of this freedon and now i am holding it.
for weeks, all i wanted was to return to my old life. aching for the comfort of the nest i once built..willing to put aside my passion and destiny in order to have the safety and familiar peacefulness i once had.
but after talking to my brother last night and my
sister this morning, something inside of me clicked.
i have an opportunity to change my life. i can design and entirely new story line. instead of letting others or outside circumstances have the grip of the typewriter, I know now i can be the creator of those words, the author of my own novel.
i have viewed this time as horrible and awful ~ almost as a punishment.
"i must have done somthing wrong."
doubting my ability to know and make the right choices.
feeling like a total loser, insecure and emotional and unsteady. not recognizing myself in the mirror. a damn tornado at best.
she reminded me things sometimes need to be shaken up
in order to break old pattens and habits that no longer work. and
sometimes it just takes a little time for our eyes to adjust to the light...
and always, the strength lies within. its there even when i cant feel it.
he reminded me that i am the luckiest kind ...getting the chance to chnage my life, to reinvent who i want to be, and to uncover the dreams i put on the shelves. he suggested i have a bit more fun and take a break from the endless wandering inside my head.
i am still the girl who can create beauty out of the mess in the gutters.
i am still the girl who can find the right kind of magic to move mountains.
i am still strong and wise and courageous. even if i do still cry over the death of a tadpole.
maybe this is the beginning of the most incredible journey of my life. it has to be. i have come too far for it to be anything else.
Posted by jen at 08:06 PM | link | Comments (224)
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November 18, 2005
notes to self..
tree curls, canon 20 d
i would remind you that even the best
changes can often involve confusion,
and time is necessary for all the parts to fall into place.
i would remind you that lack of sleep makes things
more cloudy and a diet
of coffee and smokes isnt going to help.
i would tell you that you can still be the kind one, because that is your essence, but that doesnt mean you need to be an emotional mop for everyone else.
i would insist that you be ferocious about taking care of your soul, and to draw the line when who or what is around you is making you feel less than.
i would encourage you to return to the roots of what you love ~
the ocean, the critters, finding the undiscovered nooks with the lens, collecting conversations, music, and sweaty dancing.
i would slap you upside the head when you say how alone you are, and whisper the names of your loving tribe, who have always been there to help.. mom, dad, chris, lizzy, jeff, gary, barron, sue, karen, andrea, faith...
i would remind you of your new friends ~ meredith, tonya, the gang at 7 fish, the boy who brings you french bread, and the one who understands when you show up at his door with a dead cat....
mostly,
i would say to you , not to give up just yet.
and that things are going to get better soon.
and you may be sad, but you are brave because you have never
once settled for remaining stuck.
and one day you will be happy,
....and one day you will understand it all.
Posted by jen at 10:04 AM | link | Comments (634)
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November 16, 2005
nice....
the nice girl.
she comforts.
she mothers.
she is a nurse
and a teacher
and for some she is a fix.
she is an eternal caretaker and she cleans up the messes.
she is a band aid.
she listens.
and listens.
and listens.
and she keeps quiet.
she behaves.
she tip toes.
she nurtures
she is kind
she smiles even when she is dying inside.
she gives
she gives
and she gives.
and god forbid if she doesnt wear the hat.
she has worn it for so long that people
expect and demand the outfit.
in fact she is unsure if she would even be recognized without it.
but she is tired..........
i have asked the nice girl to take a leave of absence.
because she gets in the way
of my needs
of my voice
of my deep dreams to be free and honest.
the nice girl is getting on my nerves.
Posted by jen at 10:02 AM | link | Comments (569)
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November 12, 2005
worn...
washboard, canon 20d
i was walking because i could not sleep and thought a stroll would peace me out
and ground me. instead i came across a beautiful white kitty who had just been hit by a car. she had just died. her little pink nose trickled with blood.
i scooped her up and held her in my arms... it was 4:00 in the morning and i didnt know what to do. so i held her until sunrise and then asked the neighbors on the street if anyone knew who she belonged to. no one did. she was a stray. i hate that word, no living thing should be called it.
i took her to the cemetery and buried her soft little white body near an old grave that had a cat statue nearby.
and then i sat there and
i must have cried for hours.
not just for this poor little cat. but for all the recent losses in my life.
and for the violence of this world. and for the crazy and the insanity and
the anger and the unkindness that has recently been brought into my view.
i sobbed from the deepest part. i didnt know i had so much sadness inside.
i wondered about what it was i have done to attract such an intensity of experiences lately. and wether its me, or just this place, or if there are lessons i am suppposed to be understanding.
all i really know is that i am feeling worn.
and i need just one day of calmness and peace.
perhaps a day swimming in the ocean.
or finding a quiet little place where i can sleep and feel safe.
maybe it will just be sitting beside the kitty grave and allowing myself
to feel it all ....
the gift in her death was being able to release so many things buried in my heart. and i am hoping that for a moment she felt loved in my arms as her life shifted to the next place....
Posted by jen at 06:08 PM | link | Comments (133)
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November 10, 2005
light.....
i had seen her just days ago. . .
and now she is laying in a hospital bed as her
light is slowly beginning to dim.
and its hard.
and she is surrounded by ones who adore her and
their hearts are breaking.
because they know.
and she knows.
and death feels so final, and so incredibly wrong at times.
and once again, i am reminded about what really matters
and how i want to live out the rest of my days
and how i only want to surround myself with the good kind of love.
dear monica, you will be carried in the hearts of every single person who had the honor of having you dance into their life. be sure to visit those hearts, as they will be missing you so very deeply and will need your spirit to make contact and let them know you are still here and very much alive.
know that you are loved deeply.
you.
brave.
kind.
dear.
love......
Posted by jen at 08:43 AM | link | Comments (1118)
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November 08, 2005
yeah.....
candy ring ~ canon 20d
my life has gotten continuously weird.
on a good note, the tadpoles have sprouted legs,
and i was given a lollipop ring.
its pretty pathetic when thats the highpoint of my day.
or maybe not.
i was thinking today about how crazy these days have been.
i was thinking maybe i made the wrong choice and need to be somewhere else.
i was thinking that i would probably do best with a thousand acres of silence around me.
with tadpoles of course.
Posted by jen at 05:10 PM | link | Comments (431)
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November 06, 2005
join me...
pinata, canon 20 d
i wish you werent so hard on yourself....
feeling badly and repsonsible for everyone and everything.
thinking your life's worth somehow is dicated by how "good" you
behave.
i wish you would give yourself a break....
constantly thinking and evaluating what you have done wrong,
and not even acknowledging all the beauty you have brought to this world.
i wish you could consider that you are amazing,
and beautiful, and one of the sweetest hearts walking these streets.
instead you zero in on what you consider to be your imperfections.
you dont need anyone to make you feel badly, you do quite a good job punishing yourself.
i wish for one day you could see you as i do.
i wish for one moment you could feel what it is like to be
me having you as my friend. maybe then you would get it .
maybe then you could understand that you are infused
with a most incredible spirit.
if i could, i would sneak into your head and sweep out all the crap of your past.
i would give your mind a clean room, allowing only the company of
truth. and the truth is, and always has been, that you are not bad ~
and you are not going to hell,
and you are enough.
you can choose today to beat yourself up
or you can choose today to value your being and create some magic.
i hope you join me on the magical side.
Posted by jen at 10:04 AM | link | Comments (617)
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November 02, 2005
scratch your arm....
canon 20 d
"have you ever seen a sight as beautiful as a
face in a crowd of people that lights up just for you?" ~cowboy junkies
i may not be sure of the next chapter of my life.
and i may be clueless as to wether i am on the right trail.
i am definitely lost as to the meaning of recent events.
but the one thing i am certain about is that i am held lovingly by many.
and if i have that, i have most everything i really need.
my friends and my family are the very best hope and security in my life.
it was a phone call from my dear friend last night, that allowed me to finally
go to sleep with the absence of spinning anxiety.
the timing of this talk was indeed a divine intervention, as i had just had a chat with heaven letting the crew up there know that i think prayer is overrated and i disagreed with the "god wont give you anymore than you can handle" bullshit.
ive been lonely. and so sad. and trying so hard to find my feet and get it together. but hell, i cant even get a damn stray cat to make its home in my backyard. and i live in a town that has more paws than feet.
and then
the call came across the miles from my sweet little italian companion.
all that was needed to be said was,
" i love you. i will always be here for you. i think you are one of the best around. you will always have a home with me. and if i were there i would scratch your arm...."
somehow that did for me.
and i slept soundly for the first time in weeks.
i hope you know
i value deeply the tribe of my life.
i know you are there.
and i may be a little hard to find these days
but when you reach out, i feel it and wrap myself
tightly in the blanket of your contact.
and even though i feel like i am fighting with god these days,
i know that all i need to do is look at is the network of souls in my life and i am reminded that there must be more grander, and far more mystical weave than i ever imagined.
Posted by jen at 08:54 AM | link | Comments (442)
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