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October 30, 2005
helping...
wilma begins, canon 20d
i had spent the day listening to the stories of those who
had been slammed by Wilma. as i drove home i felt
like i was carrying a suitcase of bruised hearts.
there are so many who need help. and i know i can only
do so much. the feeling of not being able to assist in crisis
haunts me. i drove home today feeling helpless.
and then the tadpole thing happpened.
a swamp of sorts has made its home in the street
outside our house. hundreds of little tadpoles are now living there.
and when i parked my car today, it splashed half of these little
guys onto the sidewalk. there they were, flopping about, and there i was
with a palm leaf trying to help each and every one back into the water.
i know the neighbor thought i was crazy,
as tadpole rescue is hardly a priority during this time.
and i know as the water goes down they will die anyways.
but i couldnt just walk away.
maybe one might live and make it to their frog destined life.
maybe not.
but i realized in that moment it was important that i save those
little critters because i was so desperate to have the feeling of being able to help someone, some thing....
Posted by jen at 03:50 PM | link | Comments (566)
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October 29, 2005
speechless.......
speechless, canon 20d
spend a day,
or even just a few minutes
looking into the eyes of someone who lost everything ~
and the reality and perspective of your own life will come
crashing in and leave you slient.
and you will be embarrassed by your recent complaining,
and you will feel a sense of compassion that makes you want
give away everything you have, just to help.
and you will learn to value and appreciate the smallest of things...
this is what has happened to me...
the devastation from Wilma is like nothing i have ever seen..,
i have spoken with those who whose lives have literally
been swallowed up by this beautiful ocean i so worshiped.
and this strange, confusing feeling i have about having been so lucky,
so fortunate...why them? why not me? whats the ryhme or reason? ....
if your loved ones are beside you, healthy and sound, be grateful.
if you have a safe place to rest your head, be grateful.
if you have a warm meal and water to drink, be grateful.
if you have complained about the traffic today while driving home,
be grateful you still have transportation.
if you are dreading going to work tomorrow,
be grateful that you still have a job.
if you are crabby because some guy stole your gas, get over it.
when your hand touches to doorknob of your house
and you walk inside having four walls still standing,
a roof over your head,
and are surrounded by all the things
that give you comfort,
please just know how fortunate you are...
and if you have friends or family that will be there when you need it,
know that you are a king.
im not preaching to you actually,
im speaking these words to myself.
i have taken so much granted.
i have been so caught up in things that really dont matter.
reality check taken,
deeply and humbly so.
prayers for all of you everywhere....
Posted by jen at 04:54 PM | link | Comments (637)
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October 27, 2005
chicken...
cockle doodle doo, canon 20d
afraid of being lied to.
brave at being honest.
afraid of yelling.
brave at standing up for myself.
afraid of hate.
brave at loving.
afraid of germs in public bathrooms.
brave in the dark.
afraid of losing who i love.
brave at knowing when to go.
afraid of making the wrong choice.
brave at taking chances.
afraid of hurting anyone.
brave at being gentle.
afraid of being fooled.
brave at taking care of myself.
afraid of emptying all that i have.
brave at drawing the line.
afraid of being so naive.
brave at knowing what matters.
afraid there is no one who feels the way i do.
brave at knowing my heart is good.
afraid of being stuck.
brave at knowing my spirit will never stop.
afraid of not doing my very best.
brave at knowing im doing the best i can.....
wilma update : stuck in west palm beach because a jerk-ass stole
the gas out of my car. afraid of people's morals, brave at knowing this is hardly tragic in the grand scheme of things.
Posted by jen at 09:03 AM | link | Comments (972)
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October 26, 2005
wilma...
panty hunter jo, canon 20d
well. it was something.
im not sure i can explain it.
finally the power is back on and i will be headed
back to our place to see how bad things are.
something was mentioned about the roof being
blown off. im not sure what to make about that.
no electricity is a good thing at times.
you find yourself having to resort to things
such as watching a beagle sneak into your
luggage and take off with your panties.
this is fine entertainment for housebound folks.
then there were the wigs and costumes and feathers,
lots of m&m's,
tequila and a hundred candles.
shadow puppet shows,
bad impersonations and cheerleading moves.
there were the kindest of folks who helped ~
our neighbors who provided us with coffee,
the volunteers from red cross who handed out
water and ice and food goods (including spam patties and applejacks)
and phone calls from loved ones just to make sure we were okay.
in the midst of a great storm i was still able to
find goodness and laughter. looks like the theme forever
meant for my life.
Posted by jen at 01:07 PM | link | Comments (280)
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October 22, 2005
local on the 8's...
milo's couch, photo by jeff canon 20d
waiting for a hurricane.
my first one, and i was clueless as to where to go
or what to do. rescued by dear friends (steve,jeff and planet janet) and
taken to a beautiful home (thank you milo) to wait out the storm.
watching the weather channel
drinking coffee and eating bagels
snuggling with two lovely pups (little jo and pretty d)
sunk in soft couches with books and music
the company of new friends
housebound humor
lucky and safe.
Posted by jen at 10:12 AM | link | Comments (655)
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October 21, 2005
worth repeating....
freestylin' clayton, canon 20d
i wanted a perfect ending. now i've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. delicious ambiguity. ~gilda radner
Posted by jen at 08:47 AM | link | Comments (193)
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October 19, 2005
scoop...
bunch, canon 20d
my week... surely not typical. i rescued a man trapped in the cemetery who had a bum arm. i did this while in a very pretty dress and high heels which i think makes me slighty outstanding.
i was convinced i had a scorpion under my bed until i got brave and finally looked more closely only to discover it was my black barrett. i dont know how i managed in my mind to create a critter out of a hair product. im concerned.
i visited the local Leather Master shop in search of a pair of boots only to find myself in the back room completely unfamiliar and in awe with all the "gadgets" being displayed. enter laura ingalls.
and then there was the dead palm branch that slammed onto my head as i was trying to relax in the sun. quite a solid thwap. was this a sign? inappropriate in my book if so.
i ran into some of the Real Word cast, who is currently filming down here, and was advised about how to remove lipstick from my dress.
the big storm is approaching and i am closing up the shutters and obsessed with the weather channel. hurricane newbie i am. i want to gather all the stray kitties and roosters and put them in my house to keep them safe.
all along, this cd has been playing on my ipod and keeping me completely entertained. good job ms phair...
Posted by jen at 09:04 AM | link | Comments (562)
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October 17, 2005
rooting.....
the barn, canon 20d
having to trust where the seeds have fallen
waiting for them to take root
a tender and fragile time
feeling like i may be blown into the wind at any moment
ridiculously vulnerable
and forced into having to be brave.
thats what it is like.
i must have some pretty major control issues to work on
because the universe certainly isnt providing me with any road
maps or direction. i have no choice at where i am landing.
and yet, i would be lying if i didnt admit there is a part of
me that is so very hopeful, and eager about the possibility
of a new adventure. lets face it, my life insists on it.
And everything I know just fades away
And where the wildflower grows it picks its space
And that's the way it is when nature plays its lovely hand ~ sheryl crow
Posted by jen at 08:56 PM | link | Comments (692)
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October 14, 2005
nest...
tea at kindred spirit , canon 20d
i walked into this lovely bookstore and was greeted by warm hearts from women who seemed like my kind of tribe....they served me tea and yummy cookies and played the most beautiful music, all to my delight. meeting them was an important piece, as i have been feeling so different in my new surroundings and unsure i could find like-minded people.
this journey of being alone has made me deeply appreciate connection.maybe i am not such a hermit after all. maybe i do need the contact. or maybe i just need to be remindedon occasions that there are other folks out there who are doing the best they can, and still find hope in the essence of this life.
but most importantly, i am reconnecting with myself. the good the bad the beautiful, and the ugly. nothing quite like leaving every comfort you know, being stripped down to the core, to discover who you really are underneath it all.
she is different than i thought.,
and she is the same.
and there is so much more to unveil....
but at least along the way i will have one safe nest to go have tea at...
Posted by jen at 11:09 AM | link | Comments (427)
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October 11, 2005
choice...
canon 20 d
its that fight for control ~ driven by fear ~
so i struggle, risking having my tail ripped off
in the process.
i know if i would just relax and let go for even just
a moment, i would be able to feel the safety of
life.
because whenever i do this, i always feel better
and things just seem to come together....
its my resistance and need to take charge
that screws everything up.
the gift in having had this hard time is that i do not
have the strength to be in such control. i have had no
choice but to loosen my clenched fists. im too tired to
try anymore.
in giving up my need to constantly regulate every second of my life,
i know i will rediscover the deep beauty and courage in the
roots of my own spirit.
Posted by jen at 10:53 AM | link | Comments (766)
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October 10, 2005
green...
with envy, canon 20d
i envy you...
how light you are.
how little you have to think about things.
how you can blow off how they react and not get hooked in.
i envy how it seems when you are sitting still,
that is all that you are doing. you are not running ahead
or regretting the past or obsessing about how you cannot
sit still.
i envy how you seem to not be driven by so many
questions and how you are able to not be crushed so
constantly by emotion.
i wish you could teach me how to be different.
sometimes i feel angry having been made to have
such thin skin and a heart too oversized to hold.
i want to watch sports and drink a beer and not give a shit.
i want to sleep within minutes of my head hitting the pillow.
i want to wake not immediately wondering if it will be a good day or not.
i want to not feel everything so deeply.
i want to be content...
you say you love the way i love,
but i must tell you,
its so much harder this way.
thicken my skin and hollow out my heart...
Posted by jen at 05:14 PM | link | Comments (660)
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October 09, 2005
exhale...
on our walk, canon 20d
relief. indeed a treasured feeling these days.
recently, is has been in watching the snails that creep
on the fence at night.
it has been in the smudge left on the sliding glass door by wayne when
he accidently walked into it. god how we laughed...
its has been in the soft, soft, linens of my bed and an old
stuffed dog i have since i was a child.
its been in the kindness of strangers and the homeless gentleman who reminded me to smile, and smiled back when i did so.
it has been in a cozy diner and iced tea.
it has been in laughing and crying with my friends about how
ridiculous and strange our lives have been.
its been that even though i have felt like god is not returning my calls,
the knowing that i am getting my footing back and am making my way through....
because there is no way i could be doing this alone.
Posted by jen at 11:39 AM | link | Comments (368)
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October 08, 2005
meaning...
the rings, canon 20 d
it is only by selection
by elimination
by emphasis
that we get the real meaning of things. ~ georgia o'keeffe
okay.
so i am selecting to push beyond the comfort of things.
i am eliminating my caretaking role and the distractions i
use to keep from feeling.
i am emphasizing the hope that my most beautiful strengths and visions
came from the times that appeared to be like a gutter in hell.
im not sure i am getting things just yet....
of course i would like to wrap up this spiritual road trip
right now and
be done with it.
but i cant stop now.
and that is the blessing and the curse of it all.
Posted by jen at 10:58 AM | link | Comments (742)
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October 07, 2005
gypsy heart...
roses from the boy and k.b, canon 20d
i am learning that
feeling at home isn't going to happen anywhere until
things are in order within my
self..
Posted by jen at 04:03 PM | link | Comments (895)
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October 06, 2005
just needs...
canon 20d
she just needs a little time
to sort out the mess in her head
and the tenderness her heart.
just a little time.
be gentle with her....
Posted by jen at 12:13 PM | link | Comments (665)
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October 04, 2005
transitions.
what was said...canon 20d
...and just because you are feeling the sadness, doesnt mean you have made the wrong decision.
Posted by jen at 01:32 PM | link | Comments (74)
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