jen gray

September 30, 2005

kindness....

wonderous tyler, canon 20d

i had this idea that hitting the open road would be a dreamy adventure.

but after driving 16 hours straight, getting lost, having engine troubles, and being so jacked up on red bull and smokes that i thought the lines on the highway were little white rabbits ~ i began to wonder what the hell i was doing.

there were gas station bathrooms that triggered every OCD cell in my body,
billboards that told me i was going to hell if i didnt get saved,
a pervert in a truck that did the gross tongue move (you know the one),
thinking my car was going to blow up in the middle of the mountains,
and a town that was absolutely infested with black mating bugs.

i admit, the breakdown queen was tapping on my shoulder
a good portion of the trip.

however... i must have found every last good soul on the earth along the way.

especially in the south.
it was the way they said,
"darlin', everything is going to be okay" and
"sweetie, why dont you take a little rest and have yourself a nice
georgia peach" and
"sugar, let me call my cousin Earl, and he'll take care of your car troubles."

those few words of kindness from complete strangers, changed my entire state of mind and soothed my nerves. and this happened again and again and again.

kind words.
their effects ripple.

and that it what i am going to remember most about the first part of this journey.

more later...

Posted by jen at 08:30 PM   |   link   |   Comments (177)

.......................

September 27, 2005

going....

tristan's little buddy, canon 20d

so im off on a rather long road trip.
im still jet lagged out of my mind so unfortunately
i think reststops are going to be a big part of this trip.
and for some reason those places creep me out.
so do hotels with bad lighting.

anyway, im off. i hope to gather some great photos and some
interesting stories along the way.

ill keep you posted.

side note:
* big thanks to tania and corrine whose cd mixes will keep me
company along the way...

Posted by jen at 12:53 AM   |   link   |   Comments (843)

.......................

September 26, 2005

i do.

the bride and groom, canon 20d

wow.
how do i choose what to write about...
the incredible beauty we were surrounded by,
the amazing friends and family of this occasion,
the rainbow which blazed over the ocean as vows were exchanged...

this weekend was out of control in the wonderful kind of way.
big love lingered.

i still feel it.

thank you susan and rick,
i was honored to be with you.

Posted by jen at 12:27 PM   |   link   |   Comments (537)

.......................

Posted by jen at 12:16 PM   |   link   |   Comments (351)

.......................

Posted by jen at 12:06 PM   |   link   |   Comments (86)

.......................

September 21, 2005

today.....

small collection, canon 300d

im off to a friend's wedding in beautiful kauai...
be back soon.

hooray for her new cd...

love madflowers so much i could drink it.

special prayers for you father john, heal up well, we need you
on this earth still...

Posted by jen at 02:50 PM   |   link   |   Comments (624)

.......................

September 18, 2005

randoms...

fabulous ~ canon 20d

the best part of my day was when my sweet little friend, Mai, brought me vietnamese noodles and a book from her temple.

the worst part about my day was the man who
tried to pick me up at the post office.

the funniest part about my day was the man who tried to
pick me up at the post office ~ did i mention he is old enough to be my father?

the most painful part about my day was wiping out on the stairs because the band on my boxer shorts were stretched out and fell down around my ankles, causing me to trip.

the most relaxing part of my day was listening to the thunderstorm
this morning.

the most stressful thing about the day isnt worth mentioning because if i do i will then have to mention the most pathetic thing about my day.

the most calming thing about my day was my cat napping
on my chest, resting her chin on my hand.

the most loving thing about my day was an an e-mail sent to me from a friend.

the weirdest thing about my day was the person i saw dressed as a gerber daisy on the side of the road.

the saddest thing about my day was listening to a
friend whose heart is breaking.

the kindest part of my day was the stranger who helped
me carry boxes from my car.

and if these are the extremes of my day, i will have to say,
i have things pretty damn good.

Posted by jen at 07:57 PM   |   link   |   Comments (495)

.......................

September 17, 2005

god.

grave ~ key west, canon 20d

i am curious about you god.

and its not through bibles or sermons that i want to know you.

i think about how you thought up the color scheme for this earth...and did you know at the first attempt, that green grass against a blue sky would work so perfectly?

i wish you would have splashed a little more color or scents into our long winter months. but i know, the lack of this makes spring such an indescribable
wow.

i wonder if your heart breaks when you see how people have
incorporated their fears and judgements with your name.

i know you love everyone. even the ones who hate so deeply.

i wonder if its possible that you ever feel lonely...or is that just a human thing?

i think about how much i have blamed you for my
own poor choices. im sorry about that.

and i hope you know i am ultimately looking for you to
give me hints that im doing the right thing.

i think about dying. and when i do, will we be able to get a
little time together just face to face? i would like that.

i never think about hell. i think life is hell sometimes.

i feel closest to you when i am alone in nature,
in cemeteries,
when i scuba dive,
when i go to a outdoor concert and everyone is
singing the same words together.

......and the children, you always get me there.

i asked you a long time ago, to let me get to the end of my life with no judgement in my heart. i didnt quite know what i was in for by asking this, because i didnt think i would be put in so many situations that would humble my ass to the ground, but im still glad i asked. i hope i can get there. (i wouldnt mind a little break though, as i am a bit fried out right now.)

i dont know what to think about the war, abuse, disasters, and hate. but i know it is not you. it is us. and i wonder if it is hard for you to not interfere with free will.

i get confused about destiny, fate, karma, and how prayer works.

but as you know, none of that keeps me from talking to you,
and buddha, and st. gemma, and gram c.

i wish i could do more things directly for you, because half the time
im just doing things so that i feel better about myself. sorry about that too.

i wonder what you look like.

and i wonder if you were sitting here with me in my studio what music
you would want me to play, and i confess, i would like to see you rock out.

Posted by jen at 09:00 AM   |   link   |   Comments (1960)

.......................

September 16, 2005

checked out

sprout house, canon 20d

truthfully, im so bloody sick and tired of hearing
myself talk that ive got nothing to offer you today.

no great quotes, no funky web sites,
no heart pouring confessions, no new music.

because what i really feel like doing is if having a cocktail and a smoke
and checking out for awhile. so im going to take this opportunity to invite
you to share with me whats been running around your head these days.

please. i would love the distraction. :)

jen@jengray.com

Posted by jen at 05:25 PM   |   link   |   Comments (435)

.......................

September 15, 2005

for years...

very yellow clown, mamiya 645afd

for years i have tried to take care of you.
for years i would lay down anything just to make sure you were okay.
for years i stuffed my own pain because i never wanted you to worry.
for years i worked so hard to rescue and comfort and nurture.
for years i would play the clown and try to make you happy.

and then the year came which kicked my ass,
and i no strength to carry on my role.

and i was afraid of revealing my struggles and sadness,

but i did.
and you were there.

so strong and so kind and so supportive.

all these years i didnt realize that
my greatest strength was to be found
in allowing others in,

and its not a weak thing to be able to ask for help. . .

*****************************************************************
in the mean time, lovely sites for you:

renee
swirly girl
leela
blue
matthew

Posted by jen at 07:33 AM   |   link   |   Comments (297)

.......................

September 13, 2005

stuff...

gram's apron, canon 20d

stuff.
ive been thinking about it.
how can you not with the devastation going on down south.
i look around my beautiful home and try to imagine
all of it gone. poof. swept away. i look at my friends and family
who are safe and sound and i cannot even imagine them
lost somewhere on a rooftop.

you just never know when what surrounds you will disappear.
and katrina is just a very strong reminder for me to keep in mind,
what is real, and what really lasts, and what really matters.

and what really matters to me is that the people in my life
know that i love them.
and what really matters to me is to help when i can,
to give where there is need,
and not to make my investments in the things that wont last.

because when the tragedy strikes,
those linens with the high thread count,
and the stupid argument i had with my husband over the way he drives,
and the pennies i have gathered in my bank account,
and all the crazy stuff i worry and obsess about ,
is going to mean jack shit.

i hate that i need to be reminded.

but i do.

Posted by jen at 11:59 AM   |   link   |   Comments (1279)

.......................

September 12, 2005

true love.

canon 20d

maybe the deepest kind of love
is the one that can
still see the heart that lies beneath,
inspite of all the humaness which
surrounds it,
and in the midst of the hurt and confusion,
can still hope for one another's soul
to make it,
and find peace,
and to be set free.

Posted by jen at 10:13 AM   |   link   |   Comments (754)

.......................

September 10, 2005

perfect...

matt working late, movable feast, mamiya

i just returned from a working get-away in the keys.

it was one of those situations where i really wasnt sure what i was
going to do or how i was going to do it, so i couldnt really
think about it. i couldnt plan, or obsess, or worry.

i had to fly by the seat of my pants and just hope.

and literally, every single piece fell into place.

the right people
the right places
the right conversations
the right timing.

my head didnt have the opportunity to get in the way.
there was no time for fear and doubt. and because of that,
i was able to get where i needed to be.

a good reminder for me.
maybe for you too...

Posted by jen at 10:10 AM   |   link   |   Comments (986)

.......................

September 06, 2005

asking...

flower skirt, canon 20d

i have never been one that finds asking for help to be an easy thing.
i would rather assist others.
im more comfortable that way.
the forever caretaker....

but recently i have been in a situation where i have had to ask.
and i have been blown away by the kindness and the goodness
of friends, family, and strangers....

and it has left me speechless.

you know who you are,
and from the bottom of my heart,
i am thanking each and every one of you....

Posted by jen at 05:53 AM   |   link   |   Comments (470)

.......................

September 01, 2005

now its my turn...

prickly little things, wisc, canon 20d

what i know for sure is that most of the time i know jack shit.
and that the things i thought were for sure, often change,
and that beliefs and fears and goals and
passions can switch on you as well.

what i know for sure is that this can be damn scary.
and to let go of what you know so well,
and abandon the comfort of familiarity takes deep strength.
but to restrict your soul is a slow death.

what i know for sure is that if you ask for help, things will be
easier. and to pretend you are perfect is exhausting.
relief will come in being honest, even if its the hard stuff.
and your tribe, your true family, will help you up if you let them.

what i know for sure is that you can only think
about things for so long and then the day comes when
you finally have to make a move. it doesnt have to be drastic,
but you do need to take that small step towards getting to
a better place.

what i know for sure if that this is my one life,
and i cannot get caught in midstream, mindlessly agreeing
to what is handed to me. it is up to me to make this
life of mine filled thick with soul and experience and matters of the
heart....even if it requires a sacrifice and whole lot of
courage.

*happy belated birthday jeff :)

Posted by jen at 04:08 PM   |   link   |   Comments (773)

.......................