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August 31, 2005
able....
watching her dad race, wisconsin ~ canon 20d
"what i know for sure is that
you have the right to
choose what is best for yourself now -- not four years
ago or even yesterday.
and changing your mind does not
mean acting irresponsibly; it's just the opposite.
when you honor what you know
your spirit is telling
you to do, you are making the
most conscientious
decision, one for which you are
willing to accept all
the consequences. you understand
that when you know
better, you ought to do better -- and doing better
sometimes means changing your mind;
and you realize that letting go of what others
think you should do is
the only way to reach your full potential...
every day,
passion speaks to us through our feelings.
that's why when you allow yourself to become
anesthetized by what others think,
you literally block yourself from living the life you were called to live.
i promise you that if you make a choice that doesn't
please your mate, your friends, your mother, or
whoever, the world will not fall apart -- the people
who truly love you want you to love yourself. and as
you become clearer about who you really are, you'll be
better able to decide what is best for you -- the
first time around." ~Oprah Winfrey
happy birthday lizzy....
Posted by jen at 06:18 PM | link | Comments (539)
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August 29, 2005
finding center.
wisconsin beauty, canon 300d
i am fearless and i am frozen.
i am strong and i am crumbling.
i am able to make good decisions and then i
accidently walk in front of a moving train.
i am smart about matters of the heart and then blurred by my compassion.
i am gentle and kind and then biting and tough.
i want to break free of the same nest i find comfort in.
i think and feel too much and then i shut it all out and become zombie-numb.
i can help half the world and then i cant seem to help myself.
i take the blame for everything and then accuse you in the same breath.
and last night i ate pizza and i really do hate pizza....
who made me into such a tornado of complexities?
i swear god was tipping into the bottle the day i was made.
but....
if i sit really quietly,
and calm myself down,
i know exactly who i am
and what i need to do.
and even though i have so many different parts to me,
i really do know ive been carrying the map all along.
Posted by jen at 06:35 PM | link | Comments (255)
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August 26, 2005
break on through....
pig farm, cayman ~ canon 20d
i think there should be a limit on how much personal growth one is expected to do in a lifetime. i think by age 38 it should be done and the rest of the years should be a walk in the park.
it seems like the people who dont give a
rats ass about much have it easier.
dont feel, dont think, dont try, just stay
on level one and go on cruise control.
impossible for me.
i have to feel everything so deeply, and work on every aspect of
my life, and push my way through the stuck areas, and forever
stretch the limits of my spirit.
it can be exhausting.
just for today,
i would like to not try so hard
to break on through to the other side.
Posted by jen at 09:26 AM | link | Comments (1187)
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August 25, 2005
how to fall...
san fran, canon 300d
"I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention,
how to fall down into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed,
how to stroll through the fields, which is what I've been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
~ Mary Oliver, "The Summer Day"
Posted by jen at 05:40 PM | link | Comments (1717)
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August 23, 2005
little by little....
pokey tree, key west ~ canon 20d
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save ~ mary oliver
Posted by jen at 05:40 PM | link | Comments (1170)
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August 21, 2005
lessons from the weekend
house of blues, canon 20d
do not wear three inch heels if you plan on dancing the entire night.
if you ditch the shoes, make certain you scrub those feet silly before
going to sleep.
think twice before tossing your favorite Elle Macpherson undergarments onto the stage so you wont have any regrets afterwards about how much you paid for them.
if you do throw your panties, make sure they are pretty enough to be hung on the drum set, and the guitars. in other words, you must be proud of your chosen tossings. ( i was proud )
make sure you have friends who will provide a circle around you while you try
to remove your undies so no one has to be exposed to your white flat ass.
boys like Screech from Saved By the Bell really do exsist,
and when you are approaching 40, even their advances
can bring about a smile. (you still have it kathy)
do not think that just because you are dancing and are really
thirsty you can go above and beyond your limit of booze, or you will
be reminded quite painfully of your college years.
laying in bed with all the lights off, with good friends,
watching a thunderstorm roll into the city,
is a great way to end any evening.
gatorade.
gatorade.
gatorade.
making eye contact with the singer can
give you a teenage thrill even if he is dressed in
cheesy velvet. (you still have it too susan!)
i cannot resist dares.
i cannot resist dancing.
and dont count on me changing any time soon...
Posted by jen at 09:52 AM | link | Comments (503)
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August 19, 2005
today.
soul sista ~jess, canon 20d
trippin'
threads
grooves
thoughts
Posted by jen at 08:59 AM | link | Comments (826)
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August 18, 2005
lips...
wax lips, canon 20d
when i was younger, other children made fun of my lips.
i was skinny and gangly and had a huge mouth.
i remember trying to tuck my lips in so
they would look half their size. it didn't work so well.
finally, my head grew and my mouth didnt look so out of balance.
that whole making fun business is brutal. and had you ever experienced
it, then you are painfully aware of how it feels.
recently i came across this activity while at a store i wont dare admit i was in,
but lets just say teenagers go there as well...
the blonde girls, were making fun of another young girl who was buying clothes.
i suppoose she didnt have a figure they found acceptable. i didnt hear exactly what was said, but they were obviously laughing at this girl, and this poor dear's face was bright red. i could tell she was on the verge of crying.
i found myself automatically walking up to the teasing group and i said,
"im curious... who the f****** hell do you think you are?!"
i was loud and got very close to their faces as i said this.
the girls turned white and speechless and immediately left the store.
i think i embarrassed the other girl as well because
she ran out too. i hope i hadn't caused more harm for
her in the long run,
adding fuel to the fire of the mean girls.
i know i should have done something more effective,
but cursing just comes so easily for me.
must be that big mouth of mine....
Posted by jen at 06:44 AM | link | Comments (748)
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August 17, 2005
venom prayers....
grave at sunset, canon 20d
so she spots the honey and i spot the venom.
as hard as i try to be this loving and kind and a non-judgmental person,
there are days when i know i have the potential to be the
meanest little bitch walking the streets.
it happens when anyone hurts those i love.
i do not remain neutral.
i do not demonstrate forgiveness or understanding.
my fists actually tighten.
i have the abillity to kick some serious verbal ass.
i choose the words because i know that is my best weapon.
unfortunately so, i know this is my venom.
and i am feeling the urge to use it.
i have three people in my life who are
receiving the torment of emotionally unhealthy people.
the thing in dealing with
the unstable ones, is that reasoning with them
is completely out of the question. and in fact, if you engage in
their banter, it just feeds their spinning. it can make it worse.
dealing with insanity can make you feel insane yourself.
so what does one do?
i am a mother lion.
i want to do something.
i will support my friends of course, and not stir the pot,
but secretly i would like to nail these individuals.
i know that sounds so young, but it is truthful.
instead,
i went to the cemetery, had a smoke, and prayed.
and i tried to pray for the ones whose behavior i am hating,
but its hard. and i will not fake it in my prayers.
so i asked god to give me understanding for the
people i do not understand,
to protect my friends and their children and
to show me how to be a good resource and support.
i then i asked god to help heal these ones who are so sick,
and to stop me from going to their homes and knocking
them out stone cold. (unless god thought it would help matters
and then i would be ready and willing).
amen.
Posted by jen at 07:07 AM | link | Comments (1095)
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August 16, 2005
spottin' honey...
fresh from the hive, canon 20d
what i loved about her is that she had this
incredible ability to find the gold inside each and
every person she met.
she could see what lived within
and she knew how to stir it up.
"spotting honey" is what she called it.
she would listen, and she would watch their eyes, and she would
ask the questions until
she found it.
and just by taking this time,
a fire would get started...
and before you knew it people would be smiling
and feeling excited about life once again.
people felt good just by being near her.
Posted by jen at 12:43 PM | link | Comments (563)
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revealed...
walk with lizzy, canon 20d
"We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals
that deep inside us something is valuable,
worth listening to,
worthy of our trust,
sacred to our touch.
Once we believe in ourselves we can risk
curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight
or any experience that reveals the human spirit."
~ E. E. Cummings
Posted by jen at 08:46 AM | link | Comments (247)
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August 15, 2005
reminded....
slide zoomin', canon 20d
i had the honor of hanging out with three little beauties this weekend,
who reminded me about everything that really matters.
to do what you love,
to ask for help,
to let go of the minute that just passed,
and to go on the see-saw even if you think your
ass is too big and you just stepped in dog poo.
kids just dont care...
and they move on....
and how i envy them for it.
Posted by jen at 08:33 AM | link | Comments (3622)
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August 13, 2005
a little something like this...
hope, canon 20d
when i awake at 3:00am,
which i do most regularly,
i have taken to night prayers...and i think of all the people
i care about and whisper my wishes.
lately its been going a little something like this:
"i pray for your dad.
i pray for your aching bones, your swollen hands.
i pray for you to forgive yourself.
i pray for your belly.
i pray for the map to fall in your lap.
i pray for strength, and that you make it through just one more day.
i pray for your heavy, sad, heart, who is missing him so.
i pray the medicine is kind to your body.
i pray for your new life to begin today.
i pray you will have the courage to go.
i pray you will give it just a little more time.
i pray you will understand i am trying to find my way.
i pray you will ask for help.
i pray you will remember who you were before him, and before her.
i pray you will find the beauty we all see in you.
i pray you will know it will all be okay.
i pray that it will come true.
i pray that you know i know, and i still love you crazy.
i pray it will ease.
i pray the right job will come to you.
i pray no bombs will fall.
i pray for peace.
and bless you.. and bless you...and bless you too.."
and when i fall back asleep, i am dreaming that
my prayers are floating up to the moon,
or the stars,
or to god,
or whoever might be listening at that moment,
and that the magic of that hope is falling back on to you.
do you ever feel it?...
Posted by jen at 08:35 AM | link | Comments (1824)
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August 12, 2005
confessions...
yellow, canon 20d
I've been tagged by Stef to write five idiosyncrasies about myself...
here goes:
1. i dont like to touch salt and pepper shakers at diners, so i pick them up with a napkin. and i never let my silverware touch the table (because i think of the rag used to clean every other table and it freaks me out)
2. i have been seen moving dead animals off the road because i think they should return to the earth and not to blacktop, and well, it just makes me so sad to see them splattered like that.
3. i sing Lonely Goatherd from Sound of Music when i need to shake out of a mood, and quite honestly, i can sing it like a champ. move over fraulein maria.
4. i count things, how many steps from my car to the store, how many firefly flashes in a minute, how many hawks on a road trip, how many time a person says the word "like" in a conversation. hello OCD.
5. i play loud good music at cemeteries because
i think it must never happen there, and surely some little spirit will enjoy it.
and there you have it.
by the way, if you missed the who are you entry, please keep em coming.. i have loved getting all your letters!
Posted by jen at 05:09 AM | link | Comments (1798)
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August 11, 2005
a long walk, a holy man, and a leaf to chew....
leaf talk, canon 20d
he told me to meet him on top of the mountain outside belen.
i was traveling through argentina at the time.
i thought i would pass out on the hike up, but i made it.
there he sat. with his beautiful sun baked face ~
deep with crevases, crazy dark eyes,
and the largest hands i had ever seen.
he looked like a wild god.
we sat in silence for a long time ~ which was good because i was still trying to catch my breath.
he handed me a leaf to chew....i wondered if it was the coca leaf...
finally he said to me,
"do not try to change their beliefs by talking.
sit and share mate.
learn their song
crawl into the details of their heart.
kneed the bread.
this is how it works."
and that was that.
nothing more was said.
he got up and walked away.
and that was the ending and the beginning of it all....
*my ability to speak spanish has slowly faded since then, and if anyone could translate this for me, i would so love to hear the original rhythm of this exchange.
Posted by jen at 06:08 AM | link | Comments (673)
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August 09, 2005
today i am especially grateful for the little but of rain we received and the hope that more is on the way. much of the midwest has suffered a terrible drought and all the dear little plants are stressed, the corn and bean fields are trashed, and for the first time ever, i have a brown garden.
the birds in my backyard dont even wait until
i am finished filling the bird bath before they swoop in.
its been like that.
so hooray for the rain, this sun lover is learning a deep appreciation
gray and heavy clouds....
Posted by jen at 02:05 PM | link | Comments (704)
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August 08, 2005
see ya....
chris, canon 20d
we used to torment one another.
we fought. we punched. we pulled hair, and we bit.
we threw stones and we threw tonka trucks.
we gave eachother snuggies and swirlies
and scared one another any chance we got.
but i always felt very protective of him. after all, he was my younger brother.
and as we got older our relationship changed. i was willing to take the punch from mike orger for him, and he kept quiet when i used to sneak into the house after hours through his bedroom window.
and over the years we grew into good friends... we share the same sense of humor, the same love for music, a forever quest to find the deeper meaning of life, and let go of what isnt important. we saw eachother through alot of rough times, breakups, deaths, funks, and multiple car accidents (mostly mine).
yesterday he left to return to his job in alaska. he is a social worker in the villages surrounding bethel. think dreamjob? think different. he isnt living in the parts of alaska you see in the picture books. he is, to say the least, roughing it.
but he pours his heart into these kids. and i am very proud of him for who he is and the difficult work he does.
and knowing he is doing what makes him happy, gives me a sense of peace.
but i will miss him.
i already do.
Posted by jen at 07:03 PM | link | Comments (1937)
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wonder...
little green companion, canon 20d
Posted by jen at 09:31 AM | link | Comments (859)
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August 05, 2005
leap.
patrick's toes, clinging to the edge..., canon 20d
there is probably only an inch in between the
part of me that is brave and confident and daring and willing to leap,
and the part that is frozen and insecure and closed and stuck...
and i wonder how it is that one day i can be powerfully courageous
and the next day, just a small tiny thing.
what i do know is that i have never regretted being brave.
ever.
but i have a lifetime of missed opportunities
because i gave the upper hand to fear.
yet another thing i am working on....
Posted by jen at 07:38 AM | link | Comments (866)
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I've grown certain that the root of all fear is that we've been forced to deny who we are. ~Frances Moore Lappe
Posted by jen at 04:24 AM | link | Comments (1307)
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August 04, 2005
off again to cheese land...
diner mug, wisconsin canon 20d
i just cant seem to get enough of that country living...
chicago has been so crowded and so hot, and i need to breathe.
so im off on another adventure where i was told to bring my baseball mit
and my boomerang headgear. hmmmm...
in the mean time....
spinning: amos
sportin':day lab goodies
loving: team blonde jewels
digging : the big empty
Posted by jen at 02:27 PM | link | Comments (1337)
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August 03, 2005
left hanging...
sue's clothesline, canon 20d
one of my less flattering qualities is my tendency to escape and hide when i feel unable to deal. its not that this is so bad, but when i leave friends and family hanging ~ it is hurtful.
you think i would have realized it when i had 50 some messages on the answering machine that i hadnt even listened to yet.
you would have think i would have realized when i had the same amount of unanswered e-mails....the ones asking, "are you okay? where have you been? why havent you called?.."
but it took a dear friend who took me aside recently and told me how much it had hurt her when i was in "escape mode" and hadnt made much contact. she had no way of knowing of what was going on and was left to spin.
seeing her sad eyes, knowing i made someone feel badly, someone i adore,
really bummed me out.
ive realized that instead of asking for help when
i am "in a place," i just go away.
ive realized this behavior effects others.
ive realized it hurts the people close to me when i dont allow them in.
so i need to work on this.
and i will.
because i have the best kind of friends and the dearest family and they deserve the fullness and the honesty of my heart. ..
thank you little dear one, for helping me to understand and become more aware....
Posted by jen at 09:52 AM | link | Comments (1010)
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