jen gray

July 31, 2005

more cowbell...

C.T. ~ Canon 20d

not caring.

its deeply refreshing.

to be around people who dont give a rats ass at how you
behave or what you are wearing or where you live or whether
or not you are successful in the eyes of the world...

to be around a group of people with whom you can
dance like a maniac, sing loudly ~ regardless of not
knowing the words, and lay in the middle of the yard
half naked, shooting bottle rockets into the sky...

to be around people who know how to laugh until they
fold in half...

its the best kind of medicine.

and i got one heck of a dose.

thanks y'all.

Posted by jen at 07:08 PM   |   link   |   Comments (904)

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July 28, 2005

my life, in a nutshell.

lizzy and i ~ laugh gut, cano 20d

"what did you just say to me?"

i said, you just walked down this entire block with
your dress tucked into your undies."

"why the hell didnt you tell me?!"

i just did.

"oh my god. do you think anyone saw me?"

jen take a look behind you. its like a frickin'
parade-crowd out here today.

"did my ass look okay at least?"

not so bad... at least your panties matched your flip flops.

"yeah, i guess i have that going for me."

Posted by jen at 08:19 AM   |   link   |   Comments (858)

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July 27, 2005

season...

phiilps wisconsin doe, canon 20d

i am finally climbing out from what has been a very dark season.

depression and anxiety suck. and those of you who have struggled with this know exactly what i mean, and those of you dont, be gentle with those of us who have.

i hope i never have to go back there, because quite honestly, it was brutal.

but it does bring you to some interesting places,
if you are open for the ride.

i found pieces in me that i didnt know i had.
i discovered raw strength and independence.

ive begun to understand who i really am when i am
not taking care of everyone else and when i am not
stricken with anxiety.

i have learned how to ask for help and to receive it as well.

ive realized that there is so much that i really dont give a shit about,
and simply having a good day is plenty enough for me.

and getting through a night not feeling like a deer in the headlights is
like the sweetest kind of gift.

*thank you to all of you who have helped me get through...
karen, sue, dr.mitch, mom, chris,lizzy,key west, dad,the north woods, gary, andrea, allison, susie, aaron, stef, cowbell, faith, and of course ~ my partner in crime ~ danielle.

Posted by jen at 09:16 PM   |   link   |   Comments (1704)

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July 26, 2005

dare....

hay roll, phillips wisconisn ~ canon 20 d

"When I dare to be powerful - to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid". audre lorde

Posted by jen at 06:34 AM   |   link   |   Comments (1445)

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July 22, 2005

what works..

pepper, farmers market ~ canon 20d

some people shop.
some people lay in bed and watch tv.
some exercise.
some paint or write or read.
some surround themselves with people.
some get high or booze it up.
some isolate.
some work.
some take happy pills.
some go to church.
some need nature.
some eat.
some need the city.
some keep really busy.
some sleep.

i have tried most everything on this list,

but i have found what works best for me is to be by myself in a beautiful place with static free air. so i am off to the north woods, accompanied by two sweet boys who will spend their time doing their thing ~ riding their bikes and getting muddy.

and while they are riding i will walk the pines and skinny dip in the lake
and sit on the front porch and listen for the loons.

find out what works and do it.

Posted by jen at 04:36 PM   |   link   |   Comments (348)

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July 21, 2005

sky...

Maria Elena Bruno 1/30/1969 ~ 7/17/2005

and just when i thought we were all going to pass out from
the sadness and the grief,

the song, Spirit in the Sky, came blasting through the speakers.

and somehow, i knew she was okay.

certainly, a heart as big as hers,
and a family with love to match,
will somehow find their way through.

because we really have no choice...

When I die and they lay me to rest
Gonna go to the place that's the best
When I lay me down to die
Goin' up to the spirit in the sky
Goin' up to the spirit in the sky
That's where I'm gonna go when I die
When I die and they lay me to rest
Gonna go to the place that's the best
Spirit in the Sky ~Norman Greenbaum

Posted by jen at 05:05 PM   |   link   |   Comments (1139)

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July 20, 2005

what helps...

farmers market golden ones, canon 20d

shucking corn

cd's from andrea and her constant steadiness in my life.

driving really fast out in the country with a clear view on both sides so i can safely drive without the fear of smashing into a jumping deer.

the sound of aaron's voice.

laying my blanket out in the field and resting.

allison's postcards and open support

seeing my garden plump up after i water it.

danielle and stef's honesty.

keri's heart.

the mailman who always waves, and always smiles.

listening to this while walking in the pine woods.

reading wendell berry.

spontaneous notes at just the right time from susan.

my friend sue finally returning from italy and reuniting the cowbell trio.

my mom showing up on my front porch.

"when the dog bites, when the bee stings, when im feeling sad, i simply remember my favorite things and the i dont feel so bad"~sound of music

Posted by jen at 06:26 PM   |   link   |   Comments (684)

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July 19, 2005

spirit...

imagining heaven, canon 20d

im sorry for blaming you God.

i just feel sad.

i want to believe that after we die, it
is so incredible and so outstandingly beautiful that
i can feel a little peace when it happens to those around me.

but you know the way i am.
you know i hate to let anything go.
i would keep everyone tucked in close around me forever if i could.

when death happens.
i feel scared. it gives me a
feeling of dread so
deep i feel sick.

God, that dread is really,really, a hard thing to go through.
its the worse kind of dread. the missing and the thinking and the ache.
its awful. and the reminders and the pictures and the holidays and the
birthdays and the seeing someone who looks like your lost one,
hearing their name, driving by any cemetery....
its all those things.

its just really hard God.

but today i will not blame.
i am going to imagine that Maria is breathing fully
and is so happy and so peaceful and surrounded by the best
kind of magic and goodness. and i am going to imagine that
she will have the ability to touch the faces of her family in a way
that they will know for certain her presence is there,
so they will know she has not vanished from their lives,
but has taken on a new role of pure spirit,
completely accessible to them at any time, in any place.

today instead of blame, im activating
the trust i have in you to keep the lines of communication
completely clear between Maria and her family and her friends.
you can do that right God? lift that veil so they can be assured
of her on going existence and involvement throughout their
days. because that is the one thing that helps.

and some help is going to be needed here.
Posted by jen at 10:29 AM   |   link   |   Comments (143)

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July 17, 2005

obvious.

canon 20d

"what is most important to you?"

you mean after making sure everyone around me is okay and happy?

"yes, minus your caretaking role."

living fully.

"what does that look like?"

not pretending. being in my skin. following what feels right deep down.

"tell me more."

not being stuck and afraid. and really having a
good time even though this heart of mine carries
so much emotion. going where i know i want to go.
living how i want to live. contributing to this world
in a way that matters.

"what holds you back from doing this?"

making sure everyone else is okay and happy.

"i dont need to make the obvious point here now, do i?"

Posted by jen at 07:48 AM   |   link   |   Comments (675)

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July 16, 2005

better off...

I don't know where it all begins
And I don't know where it all will end
We're better off for all that let in...indigo girls

maybe its supposed to go this way.
maybe this is exacty what you need to wake up,
to touch core,
and really get it.

maybe its not what you had ever imagined,
but you are not the same anymore~
so why should your life remain the same?

what if it could be better than you ever dreamed...

i guess it all comes down to,
what are you willing to do to keep yourself alive?
isnt it worth the effort to make sure your fire doesnt go out?

Posted by jen at 04:28 PM   |   link   |   Comments (899)

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July 15, 2005

aunthood...

nephew aliens ~ clay and nick, canon 20d

because they make me laugh
because they distract me from my complex way of thinking
because they are so unbelievably present
because they share my same wonder and interest
because there egos arent in tact yet
because a sense of innocence still remains
because they basically just want to have fun
because they dont get lippy with me because i am their aunt
(but boys, be nice to your mom or ill kick your ass)
because i will never have children of my own
because they send me hilarious text messages
because they tell me things they cant share with their parents
because they will put these silly things on their heads even though they are too small and it pulls back the skin on their face just because i ask them too.

Posted by jen at 09:33 AM   |   link   |   Comments (1776)

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July 14, 2005

for you....yes, you.

sand castle, naples ~ canon 20d

its hard to know sometimes.

but maybe nothing has to be decided today.

and maybe its best to not make a decision
when you are in the height of emotions.

and maybe in the morning things will seem a little more clearer.

and if not, its okay if you need a little more time.

you have alot more company than you know....

could you let down your hair
and be transparent for a while
just a little while
see if your human after all
honesty is a hard attribute to find
when we all want to seem like we've got it all figured out
i may be the first to say that I don't have a clue
i don't have all the answers
and god I pretend like I do
just trying to find my way
trying to find my way the best that I know how ~ Lifehouse

Posted by jen at 04:46 PM   |   link   |   Comments (1982)

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July 12, 2005

no other way...

becky and jim's baby Tessa, canon 20d

I love you without knowing how, or when,
or from where. I love you straightforwardly,
without complexities or pride; so I love you
because I know no other way."
~ Pablo Neruda

Posted by jen at 02:14 PM   |   link   |   Comments (0)

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July 11, 2005

fear....

freaked out girl, canon 20d

what if facing
the thing that you are
most afraid of
is the very thing
that will make you feel alive again?

what if its really not as scary
as you think it is?

what if this is going to be one of those things
you will say in a few months,
"thank god i did that...and why didnt i do this sooner?"

Posted by jen at 11:23 AM   |   link   |   Comments (635)

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July 10, 2005

barometer...

spotting soul, canon 20d

"Point is, what's so wonderful, is that every one of these flowers
has a specific relationship with the insect that pollinates it.
There's a certain orchid that looks exactly like a certain insect,
so the insect is drawn to this flower, its double, its soul mate,
and wants nothing more than to make love to it.

And after the insect flies off, spots another soul-mate flower
and makes love to it, thus pollinating it. And neither the flower
nor the insect will ever understand the significance
of their lovemaking.

I mean, how could they know that because of their little dance the world lives?

But it does.
By simply doing what they're designed to do,
something large and magnificent happens.

In this sense they show us how to live -
how the only barometer you have is your heart.

How
when you spot your flower,
you
can't
let
anything
get
in
your
way.

~John Laroche, Adaptation

Posted by jen at 10:17 AM   |   link   |   Comments (123)

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July 08, 2005

back home...

gathering at the farm, canon 20d

we skirted out before the hurricane made waves and i am keeping my fingers
crossed that all of you down yonder are safe and sound...

please be careful...

an amazing time with my dear mom ~ whom i sometimes forget is my mom ~ because she feels like such a good friend.
its hard having her live so far away but
a dinner party with her posse last night, left me feeling glad she is surrounded by such a great group of folks.
the evening was topped off by a laughing attack that i will never be able to explain, but those of you who were there, this one stays in the vault. and i promise never to post those photos. ....well, not this week at least.

thanks mom.
for yummy dinners,
and good music,
and good friends,
for calming advice, and hard laughs,
for high thread counts,
and pretty little blouses,
for watching napolean and getting it,
for helping me get my project done,
for understanding it all,

but mostly for be the best kind of mom i could ever ask for.
love you..

Posted by jen at 09:53 AM   |   link   |   Comments (833)

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July 07, 2005

sisters....

lizzy and i, naples, photo taken by mom on the 20d

i am lucky that way.
it is easy between us.
in fact, i am certain i could tell her anything and she would
not only keep it in the vault, but not show an ounce of judgement as well.
if i want feedback, she will give it. if i dont, she just quietly listens.

i hope she feels the same with me.

i wish i could keep her in my pocket, but she has never been
one to be kept captive by restrictions of any kind ~a traveling and brave spirit, who roams and experiences things i can only dream of. some people dont understand but its only because they have forgotten their own freedom, their own pulse. she listens and she follows it.

yesterday we built a sandcastle on the beach and decorated it with feathers and seaweed, and shells and mangrove roots. we topped the creation with a big dead roach, because we dont like them, but we still feel sorry for them, and it is a common quest of ours to love every little thing.... our hands worked naturally well together...as if we were ten again back on the beaches of our childhood...

today we roamed the farm she worked at which i will tell you more about later.
i love that we both share such an intense emotion for nature and critters and things that really matter.

i love that we can exchange one glance and know exactly what the other is thinking and that our private jokes go on forever.

i love that we sound great singing lounge music.

i love that i have this time with her.

i love that i have a sister.

p.s. yes, i am the younger sister and yes,
people always say i look like the older one...

Posted by jen at 12:42 PM   |   link   |   Comments (134)

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July 04, 2005

4th of july...

canon 20 d

Posted by jen at 07:38 PM   |   link   |   Comments (660)

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off again...

pet parade, canon 20d

as the fireworks blast, i will be packing my bags
and looking forward to a plane ride that will lead
me to see the faces of the ones who make me feel
most at home...

its been awhile.

and it will be good.

we should all be surrounded with those kinds of faces.

Posted by jen at 06:35 PM   |   link   |   Comments (1008)

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July 01, 2005

recent grooves...

now, that's a FINE looking jumpsuit, canon 20d

what's been keeping me company these days....

ben

donavon

nikka

jackie

k's choice

kalai

madeleine

cake

and what's been really annnoying me lately? the clueless, tom cruise.
thank you brooke.

Posted by jen at 10:03 AM   |   link   |   Comments (0)

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