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June 30, 2005
rough...
canon 20d
she said she was having a rough day.
she said she was tired of being nice.
she said she felt taken advantage of.
she said she wanted to tell the world to f*** off.
she said she was tired of doing the "inner work".
she said she was sick of listening to everyone else and supporting their dreams.
she said she just wanted to go away.
she said its easier to be alone.
she said it sucks being so soft
and how can people be so mean
and could you even imagine ever using someone
and is she the only one who believes in being gentle with others.
she cried really hard.
and i did too because i hate to see my friend so sad.
we both had black mascara streams and red noses.
and while she was crying
this mammoth
bug flew right into her forehead and bonked
onto the ground.
and we started to laugh.
and we couldnt stop.
and we laughed really hard.
really, really, hard.
and thats all it took.
just a bug. a bug bonking.
and things seemed much better after that.
Posted by jen at 10:43 AM | link | Comments (0)
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June 28, 2005
here comes the judge....
canon 20d
i realized as i was getting dressed this morning i was trying
to pick an outfit the judge would take kindly to.
and then i realized how weird that was so i went with the gold
princess shoes and my skirt made from a tablecloth.
because i never want to dress for anyone.
should i land in jail however, i just might have to adapt to the orange jumpsuit.
and its not that i dont like orange
but i really i hate jumpsuits.
***UPDATE*** i think the judge liked my shoes :) case dismissed.
for all of you who wrote letters, have no fear, twas just a fender bender.
Posted by jen at 06:02 PM | link | Comments (0)
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you think i am ten.....
cotton candy delights, allison and joe's, canon 20d
"hey... how did i get this big bruise on my knee?"
"jen, you did the slip-n-slide last night...and by the way, you did it in your blue party dress."
"oh yeah.
well, what about this bruise on my ass?"
"you tried to swing on a vine in the woods thinking
it could hold your weight. and it didnt."
"hmm... what was i thinking?
and what's this shit in my hair?"
"the tree. remember, you climbed the tree trying to get the cat.
you got sap all over you.
and the scab on your elbow is from when you tried to do that skateboard
trick off the curb. "
"you think i am ten years old, dont you...."
"sort of."
"maybe so, but at least i am fun."
"that, you are."
Posted by jen at 08:12 AM | link | Comments (0)
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June 27, 2005
the listeners...
i listen.
i listen well.
listeners attract the talkers.
the talkers have much to say.
i ask the questions.
and they answer.
i offer support and compassion and feedback.
and they keep on keeping on.
and i dont mind so much.
except when we finish and i am very aware they
know absolutely nothing about who i am.
maybe they just dont have anyone to hear them in their life.
maybe they just dont have anyone who takes interest in who they are.
maybe they need to talk to reaffirm to themselves that they are important.
and i understand that, but sometimes i feel sucked dry.
not that i have so much to say.
but i do have some golden gems within me.
and at the very least,
maybe they should be sure of my name.
it would just help if you knew my name.
i suppose it is why i often go out in the fields and the woods by myself.
nature is the kindest listener in my life.
so very patient. giving me as much time as i need. and i am certain
she knows my name. no interruptions, no judgements, no topping stories,
just surrounding beautiful support. and i know her details and take equal
interest in what mysteries she holds... it is balanced, and i always feels so attended to.
i am trying to be more compassionate with the talkers,
but sometimes i find myself screaming "SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" in my head.
not very nice, i know.
im working on it.
Posted by jen at 08:45 AM | link | Comments (0)
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June 26, 2005
checking out...
whatever it takes, chicago, canon 20d
you work.
you booze.
you get high.
you exercise.
you clean.
you keep busy.
you shop.
you listen to tunes.
you watch tv.
you take a happy pill. (much to the demise of tom cruise. screw him by the way)
you find a girl.
you find a boy.
you go away.
you travel.
you read.
you eat.
you become involved in everyone's matters.
you use religion.
you organize.
you sleep.
checking out.
as hard as i have tried to avoid the pending realities of my life,
it does me no use. because i hate things unresolved, and
unanswered. and my quest for truth
and my need for knowing if i am following the map to the right place
blows through all my escape routes.
the avoiding, the numbing, the trying to forget
just prolongs the things i want to mend.
and god knows how i try,...
but damn, it never ever really works.
Posted by jen at 10:45 AM | link | Comments (0)
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June 24, 2005
changed for good...
watching the vows at allison's wedding, canon 20d
maybe some rough times,
maybe some dark seasons,
indeed some heartaches,
and a ridiculous amount of sobbing into my pillow...
there have been times when i felt the rug was ripped out from under me
and when i have been shocked flat by the turning of events.
the days of wanting to take off and the days of wanting to stay in bed.
but...
one thing i have had the entire way,
is the best kind of friends.
some from decades ago,
some from only recently...
but the very best kind.
and today i woke wondering
where on earth i would be without
their company in my lifetime...
i hope you know who you are as i think about you right now.
"It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Because I knew you,
I have been changed for good." ~ Elphaba, from the musical, Wicked.
Posted by jen at 12:20 PM | link | Comments (0)
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June 23, 2005
field trip....
allison and joe's wedding, photo taken by the bride :)
ive had two weeks of bliss...
adventures and travels...
first allison and joe's wedding,
then a stretch in key west.
as i have quoted before,
"this is the magic of travel. you leave your home secure in your own knowledge and identity. but as you travel, the world in all its richness intervenes. you meet people you could not invent; you see scenes you could not imagine. your own world, which was so large as to comsume your whole life, becomes smaller and smaller until it is only one tiny dot in time and space.
you return a different person..." ~ kent nerburn
i have returned
and i am different.
but in the best kind of way...
Posted by jen at 08:53 AM | link | Comments (0)
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June 18, 2005
bench
this place, key west ~ canon 20 d
this is the day.
this is the bench.
this is the skirt.
we talked about the heat.
we talked about the pattern on my skirt.
we talked about jazz.
we talked about why he walks with a cane and why i was
using an inhaler.
and then he told me.
he had recently lost the love of his life.
he could barely speak, and thick tears found their way
down his wrinkled skin.
"im just so lonely..and we used to sit on this very bench."
i took his old hand and held it.
we sat quietly. nothing more needed to be said.
as we got up to go,
he said to me,
"you saved me tonight."
and as he walked hobbly down the street
i ditched into an alley and cried my eyes out.
i wanted to put him in my pocket and take him home.
Posted by jen at 08:42 AM | link | Comments (0)
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June 17, 2005
chosen....
getting ink at goldies, key west, canon 20d
clenched fists.
clenched jaw.
sweaty palms.
toes curled.
nina simone and beck pulled me through....
yeah, it hurts, but its a chosen scar~its pain you openly decide to have.
and afterwards you feel like a warrior.
i know some of you know exactly what i am talking about ...
(just no one slap me on my backside anytime soon)
Posted by jen at 04:34 PM | link | Comments (0)
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June 16, 2005
cracking up...but in a good way
the boys, canon 20d
okay.
throw your lexapro and paxil away.
come to key west and i promise you
will laugh your ass off
and all will be right with the world.
it must have been a good night...i woke up to a jar
of half eaten olives and key lime cookies.
what more does a girl need?
Posted by jen at 10:36 AM | link | Comments (885)
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June 15, 2005
life bling....
pinata treasures, allison's wedding, canon 20d
one thing i never want to collect in my life is cobwebs.
the kind that catch dust and lose their beauty and purpose.
sometimes i have nightmares that i have grown them in between
my fingers...
i need to keep enough wind going through these veins so
i do not become stuck and numb and well, dusty.
i am off on another adventure and hope to gather some
good life bling while i am away....
'cob free living...
wishing you the wind you need.
Posted by jen at 04:59 AM | link | Comments (0)
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June 14, 2005
bliss...
allison,canon 20d
she sure is a purty thing, aint she...
Posted by jen at 12:07 PM | link | Comments (383)
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June 13, 2005
it's official...
together, canon 20d
this was the most beautiful,
the most incredible wedding i have ever been too...
thank you joe and allison
thank you susie and aaron
thank you barn and thank you music
thank you flowers and food and friends and family,
thank you dogs, and deer skull,
thank you spice names,
thank you potatoes and scallions,
thank you root cellar cool downs,
thank you polaroids and pinata,
thank you cotton candy and grill masters,
thank you for clothes line surprises...
participation in love is a very good thing...
im still smiling...
and i miss all of you...
Posted by jen at 09:00 AM | link | Comments (52)
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June 09, 2005
getting hitched...
im off to see my beautiful friend get married...
which means, come saturday night,
i am going to be barefoot and dancing and
smiling and laughing and crying....
because when love is good,
and you love who it is happening to,
its one damn incredible thing to behold.....
did i mention the wedding is at a farm....
how lucky am ? :)
should i not return, please gary, remember to feed the cats.... :)
Posted by jen at 07:23 PM | link | Comments (601)
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June 08, 2005
so much...
up close, canon 20d
you're so much better than you know... sade
Posted by jen at 05:50 PM | link | Comments (796)
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June 07, 2005
bones....
its a necklace made of bones from the sea.
my dad brought it back for me from one of his
trips almost 30 years ago. he said a shark was about to
attack him, so he had to kill it with his spear gun and
afterwards he made the necklace from its spine.
he knew i was a bone collector of sorts ~ while other kids were
playing with barbies, i was hunting for skulls.
i still am. my nickname, is Bones. (and its not because i am skinny.)
i am fascinated with the white frames which hold our skin
and house our insides. i treasure that necklace and that
"story" of how he got it to this day. ive been gathering
those little white treasures ever since.
a few years back on one of my walks out in the woods,
i came across the largest bone i had ever seen. i imagine it
was the leg bone to a horse. i took it home, cleaned
it, and bleached it in the sun until it was white.
i was working at the school at the time, and we were
doing a unit on dinosaurs (doesnt every preschool?).
i got to work early and hid the big bone deep in the
sandbox on the playground.
jump ahead to recess.
the playground.
mounds of children in the sandbox pretending they were archaelogists..,
all of a sudden ~ complete silence.
then screaming.
then giggling.
then 20 children running at me with eyes bigger than pancakes
to show me their discovery.
yelling and jumping and laughing and completely blitzed out ~
"A DINOSAUR BONE!!!!!"
it was classic. and it was the talk of the school for weeks.
we proudly displayed it on our science table and children
would stand in awe before it.
now i know what some of you are thinking ~
i shouldnt have fooled the children.
but you see, it doesnt matter that it was a horse bone.
the magic of that find, ignited imagination and
discovery ~ and got their minds off computer games and tv.
and the look on a child's face in the
midst of adventure is worth
every effort.
im sure i had the same expression on my face
when my dad brought home
the bone necklace .
i still wear it, dad...and when i do i feel an added little kick in my step.
thank you for sparking
the adventure in my own spirit.
Posted by jen at 08:08 AM | link | Comments (982)
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June 06, 2005
one of those days...
the smaller things, canon 20d
it was one of those perfect days...
a bike ride along a path dripping with scents
of phlox, sweet grass and honeysuckle.
a moment of absolute silence as i stared into
the eyes of a doe, who seemed as curious about me as i was about her.
a holy experience of watching a snapping turtle drop
white eggs from her belly into a sandy nest.
a walk in the prairie where the wildflowers are just begining to burst.
a shared sigh and the knowing that my life is filled with the best kind
people and incredible encounters.
returning home to spend the rest of the afternoon with
my mom who has been visiting.
having her here just helps
me to breathe more easily.
there are days that seem perfect in every way.
there are days where my smile is automatic.
there are days when my senses are alive and noticing every little detail.
and i had one.
and it was unconditionally good.
Posted by jen at 07:24 AM | link | Comments (629)
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June 04, 2005
seen....
all she ever wanted, is just to be seen...
Posted by jen at 09:10 AM | link | Comments (859)
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June 03, 2005
details....
little timmy, canon 20d
some of us hadn't seen each other in years,
and for the first several minutes we just hugged at stared at one another.
im not sure i can put this one into words,
the feeling of family...
the feeling of familiar,
of comfort,
of knowing ~ the good, the bad, and the ugly, and still standing with full love.
the fabulous feeling of a shared sense of humor and stories that only our tribe would understand.
god it made me so happy...
watching my mom laugh with her sister and brother,
recognizing similiar traits and expressions and physical resemblance.
seeing my cousin's children ~ turning into little adults.
will they love one another as much as we do now?
will they carry on our stories? will they create their own?
and as we said goodbye,
i wanted to say,
"dont go....i want to collect all the details of you
and tuck them in my heart so i will never forget."
and Gram C, you were there, and you were felt, and you were missed...
Posted by jen at 09:28 AM | link | Comments (142)
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June 02, 2005
this one's for you....
poppie petals, Canon 20d
i dare you to see what life is like when
it's not filtered through your familiar
opinions and theories ~ rob brezsny
Posted by jen at 07:47 AM | link | Comments (587)
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June 01, 2005
direction, decisions, doubt...
first one, canon 20d
so you dont know....
at least you know you dont know.
so you aren't 100% sure.
ive never been 100% sure about anything in my life.
so you feel like you cant make a decsion.
that is really normal ~ trust me. its okay to take a little more time.
sometimes these things cant be forced.
sometimes they have to be weaved.
sometimes you have to silence the chronic chatter in your head
so you can feel your way through
from the part of you who knows
what will work.
you know whats weird?....when i think back to all the
major decisions i have had to make in my life,
deep down, under all the emotion, under all the pressure,
under all the expectations, under all the guilt and obligations,
the answer was sitting there all along.
sometimes i listened to that voice, and sometimes i ignored it
because i was too afraid. but my life still adjusted regardless.
and yours will too...
i guess i just want you to know that there is always a
way through, whatever you decide....
Posted by jen at 07:52 AM | link | Comments (58)
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