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May 29, 2005
what i really wanted to say....
shit happens, key west ~ canon 300d
i was originally going to post a peaceful quote along with this shot,
but i felt fake doing so ~ because its not the way i am feeling.
sometimes i feel like writing a fiesty entry,
but i worry how that will leave you...
sometimes i do not feel soft and sensitive
or like a little happy-jack.
sometimes i want to write words and feelings that
arent pretty or calming or spiritual.
but i feel like i shouldnt.
"dont complain.
dont make a mess.
and for god's sake, put a smile on your face."
i live alot of my life by those words...
not wanting to cause others to worry or to be sad or
to ever leave the impression that i am an ungrateful whiner.
im working on being more honest~
on being more real and not hiding so much.
i am working on not being everyone's life saver.
truth be told,
is that right after i took this photograph,
the birds took flight and
one shit on my wrist.
and that's how i am feeling today.
like i was just taking in something so lovely and then
a piece of shit fell out of the sky and hit me.
and what i really wanted to say is
that today i feel angry.
and i feeling like smoking.
and i feel like getting in my car and playing
the White Stripes and The Doors and Incubus
and driving really fast down an old dirt road.
and i dont feel like being so damn nice.
so there it is.
(everyone okay?)
Posted by jen at 08:34 AM | link | Comments (874)
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May 28, 2005
hanging moss, canon 20d
have you ever stopped in the middle of your day
and thought how very bizarre your life is?
Posted by jen at 05:44 PM | link | Comments (845)
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May 27, 2005
looks like butter....
blue and green, canon 300d
that little blurry yellow thing in this shot is a butterfly.
in fact there were a zillion of them flying in this field.
i wished you could have seen them...it was magic.
i wasnt able to catch it with my camera, but thats the way
magic usually works.
it was one of those days where i was driving around in
the country, getting lost on roads marked only by letters...
BB.......DD......
i was listening to david wilcox and bruce cockburn.
windows down, arm out the window.
catching scents from the lilac trees and the pig farms.
i stopped at this field because the butterflies were
crazy. little yellows zipping around. and as i was taking in the view,
a man in an old pick up truck pulled up. he was wearing a john deer
hat and hand hands like he had worked a thousand years with them.
"my wife and i call this the butter field.
those butterflies are here each year
and they look like little flying pads of butter, don't they?"
we stopped chatting and sliently watched....
i love days like these.
Posted by jen at 07:08 AM | link | Comments (425)
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May 26, 2005
benefit
sunset celebration, canon 20d
today i had a visit with my dear friend...
she is certainly one of my tribe.
no pretending with her.
i love that i can go over to her house with my hair
looking like a rats nest,
wearing my jammies, and can feel the freedom to be
sad or dorky or quiet or crabby. she gets it.
she gets me.
we can tallk about work,
bikini waxes,
feeling sad,
the challenge of laundry (spec. getting it folded),
music,
wanting to lose weight,
wanting to ram our cars into others,
and our crazy obsession with taking care others and how horribly uncomfortable we are to talk about ourselves for very long.
she has one cute boy whom i could eat up (he is strikingly adorable)
and she still is sensitive enough to know that i dont have a child
and doesnt make me feel like an alien for it.
mostly... she carries full acceptance of me. even the rough parts.
and she even drops the "f-bomb" as much as i do...
thanks danielle ~
you are a benefit of my life.
Posted by jen at 08:16 AM | link | Comments (353)
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May 25, 2005
wishing,canon 20d
But darling, I wish you well
On your way to the wishing well
Swinging off of those gates of hell
I can tell how hard you're trying
Just have that secret hope
Sometimes all we do is cope...
May you dream you are dreaming, in a warm soft bed
And may the voices inside you that fill you with dread
Make the sound of thousands of angels instead
Tonight where you might be laying your head... patty griffin
the wishes i whisper
are for you.
Posted by jen at 10:53 AM | link | Comments (1318)
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May 24, 2005
nope....
man walking, key west, Canon 20d
i will not stay stuck.
i will not stop finding my way through.
i may bunker down for awhile and rest,
but im not giving up.
your expectations of me
your hopes for me
your opinions of how i should behave
your ideas of who i am and what im supposed
to be doing ~ i will listen but that does not mean
i will wear the hat.
the best gift i can give to you is to demonstrate my ability to
act upon what is in sync with my being.
you may not like it, you may be threatened, you may think i am flighty….
but i would rather you think those things,
than be facing the end of my life, still stuck and
regretting not living a life that was packed solid with
delicious living.
its just not an option.
not for this girl.
nope.
Posted by jen at 10:52 AM | link | Comments (718)
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May 23, 2005
secrets...
prayer beads, canon 20d
i like barry manilow and karen carpenter. in fact, i know every single song and every single word.
i cannot stand the smell of green peppers cooking.
i hate going to super stores and malls, but sometimes i go just to see if i can somehow rescue the birds that get trapped inside.
i will not touch the handrail of an escalator.
sometimes i show more compassion for animals than i do for people.
i love potatoes. i hate candy.
i dream about living on a farm a thousand acres away from anyone.
growing up, i wanted to be a landscaper, a lawyer, and a magician.
i once dug up my dead cat just to make sure it was really him
and not just another cat that looked like him.
i have a crazy fear of heights but my love for risks keeps
me walking towards the edge.
i ask you questions about you to keep the questions away from me.
i am horribly soft but my heart has one strong fist, and it surprises people.
i cannot stand restrictions of any kind. And that also includes underwear that is too tight.
i like to wrestle but only if i get to win.
my childhood crushes were grizzly adams and john denver.
i might like the smell of permanent markers a little too much.
i have rough time with math and spelling, but read like an evelyn woods graduate.
i believe in god. i do not believe in hell. and i think its okay if you believe in both or neither.
i cannot stand the look of those little cocktail onions.
old people eating by themselves in a diner break my heart.
i have a bit of A.D.D and O.C.D. which results in bouts of complete disorganization and obsessive cleaning.
forgiving is easy for me. but trusting never will be.
i cannot keep my body still if i like the song.
i think kindness is one of the sexiest things around.
and i still pray when i dont know what else to do....
Posted by jen at 06:51 AM | link | Comments (862)
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May 21, 2005
sleeping pill....
delight, canon 20d
2:00am
and though my body is aching for it, i can't sleep
so i grabbed a blanket, my red hat, and went out back to the garden.
the noise in my head seemed screamingly
loud compared to the slience of the night.
i love this garden.
it is mine.
there are no clean lines
and no restrictions.
i allow the vines to wander where they want.
poppies live among the phlox and the bleeding hearts drop
their petals on the lambs ears.
you may find it unruly,
but i find it free.
i tend to it in my bare feet, using bare hands.
it feels familiar and it feels like home.
my garden has saved me again and again.
even at night, when i cant see a thing,
i can find calmness here.
and in time, the quiet that surrounds me
crawls inside and gives my head a rest.
i may spin
i may think too much
i may worry like an old woman ~
but i am good at knowing what it takes to return to center.
last night it was just a matter of going out back.
Posted by jen at 07:01 AM | link | Comments (726)
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May 19, 2005
unexpected.....
erosion, canon 20d
its just one of those days, i have nothing to say....
wishing you
of course,
unexpected grace
and a head free from chatter.
Posted by jen at 04:55 AM | link | Comments (1350)
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May 18, 2005
this town...
our river, mamiya 645afd
this town i live in....
i sometimes feel it is a bit too conservative for my taste, but i must admit
there is a charm here that is unusual to find. there is kindness and goodness and a small town feel that is a welcomed relief from the hectic rush of the city.
yesterday i went to the local greenhouse to gather some flowers for the front porch. this is a place where such great care is taken for the plants that they pump beautiful music through the speakers specifically for their growth.
while i was walking by the dahlias i accidently bumped my cart into someone.
"im so sorry! i was so taken with the color of these i wasnt paying attention"
"oh no, it was my fault, i was looking at these purple beauties over here. How can one not be distracted in such a pretty place, especially with such lovely music playing?"
"i agree...this happens to be one of my favoirte songs." (moonlight in vermont)
"well then... we must dance."
so we did.
right there in between the dahilias and the purple beauties.
he gently took my hand and placed the other on the small
of my back. he shut his eyes and seemed to be traveling
back to another time.we slowly shuffled and i could tell that
back in the day, he was probably a fabulous dancer.
perfect rhythm. perfect space. perfect gentleness.
the song ended much too soon.
he thanked me, shot me a sparkly wink, and went on his way.
i wanted him to stay.
i wanted him to tell me about his life.
i wanted to know how, after 80 some years of living,
he had such magic swirling about him.
i wanted to tell him that this was the most sweetest dance i ever had.
moonlight in vermont, surrounded by garden delights, and an old gentleman who knocked my socks off....it was a moment indeed.
i love this town.
Posted by jen at 07:41 AM | link | Comments (779)
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May 17, 2005
that pile...
tire graveyard, canon 20d
maybe that thing, that pile,
that person, that event
which appears to be an uncomfortable disruption in your life
is really the very exact experience you need.
maybe there is healing or release or wisdom or inspiration or the fire you need to make a change hidden in the nooks of it all.
who knows why certain situations happen.
i drive myself crazy trying to investigate every moment of my life ~
considering karma, sin, fate, destiny, psychological analysis,
the soul's path, etc..
always taking everything to such a serious level.
always taking things to my head. forgetting to let my spirit lead me through.
i was talking with a friend yesterday about how we
once believed that if we lived this really good life,
there would somehow be a reward for our efforts.
but the truth is,
shit still happens regardless.
the world keeps spinning whether we "do" something or not.
there is devastation and beauty happening at the
same moment in different places on this planet.
this is reality.
my job is to be in the experience fully,
not thinking it to death, or running because i am afraid, or getting lost in the
sadness....ive messed up and lost a million moments by doing this..
the best i can do
is be fully aware of what is standing right before me.
maybe discovering a piece to the puzzle. maybe finding
something that makes sense. maybe finding a second of magic.
Posted by jen at 08:16 AM | link | Comments (546)
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May 16, 2005
shifting the mid-life...
blue heaven, key west, canon 20d
maybe it's not supposed to be a mid-life crisis.
maybe its just to be a time of awareness,
of reflecting on what it is that feeds your soul...
of letting go what doesnt work,
and investing more deeply to what does.
you have the home
the career
the family
the car
the vacations
the routine...
so now what?
i am not in a crisis,
i am simply looking more deeply at what i thought was important ten years ago
and what is really the truth for who i am today.
there are some truths that have stood the test of time
and there are definitely many that i have dropped.
i do not need a red convertable (okay ~ never wanted one)
i do not need an extreme beauty makeover (though some may argue)
i do not need a bigger home or another degreee to hang on my wall.
and not to judge the above ideas, but i know for me,
the most necessary thing is to remain fully
aware of who i really am
when i am stripped down to the core ~ and honor that.
no, not a mid-life crisis.
id like to refer to it as my mid-life commitment to creating a life that
is in sync with the very cells of my heart.
* a grateful thank you to the friends like andrea who seem to understand
my ever shifting self...
Posted by jen at 06:07 AM | link | Comments (1197)
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May 13, 2005
i dare you...
canon 20d
"ill give you my jelly beans if you throw a rock at that wasp nest.."
so of course i did.
and i got stung. multiple times.
and the thing is, i hated jelly beans.
but i loved the dare.
"i dare you to climb to the very
top of the pine tree..."
so of course i did.
and at the top, the tree swayed and i thought i would
crash to the ground and i was afraid i wouldnt be able to get back down.
my hair was tangled with tree sap and i was so scared
i peed in my pants.
but still, i did it.
because i loved the dare.
"i dare you to see if you can make it down the path
without the lights on. see how fast you can go and ill time you"
at least i wore a helmet but the moon was
asleep and i couldnt see a thing, but the speed felt so good, and even though
i wasnt used to riding a dirt bike, and millions of branches scraped my arms....
i did it.
you know why.
and as i got older, the trait didnt fade. seems my college roomates especially knew they could get me to do just about anything....
and i did. do i dare mention the bat pole? ~ no, my mother reads this blog.
id like to think i have calmed down since then. but it's still there.
the love for risk and the hunt for a thrill and the delight in breaking the rules....
its as strong as my desire to be good and to do the right thing
which makes living in body a little bit of a conflict at times.
so just dont dare me, okay?
Posted by jen at 11:28 AM | link | Comments (153)
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May 12, 2005
voice...
magical alex, mamiya 645afd
there is a voice inside of you
that whispers all day long,
"i feel that this is right for me,
i know that this is wrong."
no teacher, preacher, parent, friend
or wise man can decide
what's right for you- just listen to
the voice that speaks inside." ~ Shel Silverstein
Posted by jen at 08:07 AM | link | Comments (694)
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May 11, 2005
greener...
leaf lines, canon 20d
"dying trees still grow greener when you pray..." bruce cockburn
Posted by jen at 09:00 AM | link | Comments (254)
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May 10, 2005
mothering....
i am not a mother.
i have not carried a child in my body.
i have no "labor story."
i haven't named anyone but my pets.
i cannot share stories with the other ladies at the
luncheon about how well my son or daughter is doing at school.
i have no pictures in my wallet, just a concert stub from the last show i saw.
i am not a mother.
no, i do not know who is going take care of me when i get old.
and yes, i do wonder if he would have had eyes like my husband or
if she would have been rebellious like i was. (am)
many holidays seem like any other day ~ halloween, easter, christmas....
i have never bought diapers or been to a mcdonald's playland or driven a
mini van.
i am not a mother.
this doesnt indicate i am too wild or too corporate or too selfish.
this doesnt mean i don't adore children or cannot cherish their beautiful souls.
i know how to play and i know how to connect and i get how very
important and sacred your job is as a parent.
i think i still know how to love deeply even though they say "i will never know a love until i have a child of my own..."
i am not a mother.
but i have mothered many.
my family.
my friends.
students and pets and strangers and
little pieces of this earth.
maybe that's the kind of mom i was meant to be.
Posted by jen at 08:12 AM | link | Comments (1148)
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May 09, 2005
there will be....
bursting, key west ~ canon 20d
Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
~ Mary Oliver
the summer plans...
im still working on these but here is the beginning of the list...
it will include going to more concerts like the one i went to saturday night where mr. delicious rocked my world.
it will invlove wearing the best shoes around.
and there will be road trip.
and there will be a visit to my home away from home.
there will be time with my brother when he returns from alaska
and time with my sister when she returns from bora bora and time
with my mom when she returns from naples.
there will be music and dancing and writing.
there will be a wedding.
i will become reacquainted with my garden, and my bike.
ill be shedding some old skin, some old beliefs, and stirring up alot more adventures.....
i will be having fabulous meals on the back porch with my friends and family
and a gentle knowing that my life, amongst the chaos is good and full...
to be continued...
Posted by jen at 05:06 AM | link | Comments (1446)
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May 07, 2005
could it be...
hard work, canon 20d
i am almost afraid to say it,
but ive been feeling better... its been so many months of heaviness,
such hard and gut wrenching work. so much crying...
could it really be lifting? could it really be shifting?
it could be that my yard is now green and filled with flowers and kind scents.
it could be that i dont have to wear any more sweaters
and can go barefoot on my walks.
it could be that the sun lingers longer.
it could be that i am eating better.
it could be that i am finally sleeping.
it could be that i have the worlds best kind of people in my life...
it could be that i have slowed down.
it could be that i have started to set boundaries.
it could be that i am letting go of perfection and performance.
it could be that i am finally paying attention to what really feeds me.
it is all of these things, but mostly~
i think i am finally beginning to get who i am.
and i think i actually like her.
Posted by jen at 10:37 AM | link | Comments (687)
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May 06, 2005
fear...
yellow, canon 20d
"dont they scare you?"
"nope."
"you are probably one of those girls who isnt afraid of much."
"hardly...
im afraid of being stuck.
im afraid of being bored.
im afraid of not contributing enough.
im afraid of not living this life the way my soul desires to.
im afraid of how deeply i feel about everything.
snakes? spiders? the dark? no, none of these things.
the scariest thing to me is not living an authentic and passionate life."
Posted by jen at 08:45 AM | link | Comments (1868)
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May 03, 2005
return to the root....
courtney rests, mamiya 645afd
you need to remember,
and you need to know,
what brings you back to the root....
back to you.
regardless of the timing
regardless of the piles on your desk
regardless of the resistance from others....
whatever it is,
however big,
however small,
find a way.
you will return stronger, and connected, and rested,
and more able to handle the edges in this life...
its not selfish ~
the world will survive a moment or two without you
having to take care of everyone in it...
it's time.
Posted by jen at 04:10 PM | link | Comments (1033)
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holy...
key west grotto ~ canon 20d
i no longer go to church...
but i still like to visit ~ when no one is around of course...
after having invested so many years of my life trying to believe
and understand teachings that went against the grain of my heart,
i have had to approach spirituality in a more organic manner.
i do know that when i lay down in the middle of the field, and take in the
view of the sky and the sounds and scents of the earth,
i feel a connectedness to every living thing... and that is beyond holy.
and i know that when i give voice to my concerns and hopes,
that the wind will carry them to where they need to go.. and that kind of praying gives me peace.
i know that the god i believe in has room for everyone. even the ones you hate. and that it is man who is more wrapped up in the "rights and wrongs." my god wants us to get love and feel it above all else. my god doesnt want us to be so afraid. my god wants us to be free and feel the magic of this life.
i know that i can find god everywhere ~
in the smallest detail of the lilacs and in the wide open sky.
in the toothless grin of the homeless man i pass everyday.
in the beautiful and in the ugly. in words, music, dance, and in a
deliciously ripe mango. i have found god in the kindness of your
friendship and in the wrinkles of your smile.
its okay that we believe differently.
im not interested in debate or argument.
i would much rather know what it is you love and hope for.
i know you need to believe what it is you do for whatever reason.
and the same goes for me.
its okay.
i dont go to chuch anymore.
but i know of a good field that when you lay down in it
feels like heaven.
Posted by jen at 07:49 AM | link | Comments (895)
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May 02, 2005
i will be good..
golden, canon 20d
i will show you how good i can be.
i will be kind and i will love you deeply
i will comfort and
i will assist.
i will listen to you and not complain when you forget to ask...about me.
i will give you feedback when asked ~ but i will do it so gently.
i will be attentive
i will rememeber the details.
and when you speak i will not be rushing ahead
in my mind thinking about what i want to say next.
i will be present when i am with you.
i will be entertaining
and never boring and
i will never
ever
be typical or average.
i will remain a mystery
and keep you curious
and i may be too independent but ill make you feel secure about it.
i will take interest in your dreams and find
ways to remind you never to stop feeding the fire.
i will charm my way into your world and into your heart.
i will take care of myself
and will not be afraid to try new things
and you will find this refreshing.
i will make you feel like you are the only one in the room
and i will notice that you cannot seem to do the same..
and when you ask me
why my eyes look sad, ill say ~ "im just tired.."
i will take you on adventures
and i will teach you to see differently.
i will make you feel so comfortable
that you will breathe more easliy just by my touch.
i will pretend to be secure and not needy
and when you piss me off i will communicate it effectively
and calmly ~ while secretly knowing at any minute i could
deliver a verbal blow that would knock you flat.
i will be fun and i will be strong and will be open.
i will be classy and i will be earthy and i will be mystical.
i will be perfect.
i will be good.
and then one day i will not be able to.
and you will see the rest of me.
and i will wonder then
if
you
will
still
love
me.
Posted by jen at 08:58 AM | link | Comments (808)
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