jen gray

March 30, 2005

enough....

sweet, canon 20d

i am usually so busy wondering about whether
i am doing the right thing
and if i am following the best route for my soul
and am i contributing enough to the planet
and is this really what my life is all about,

that i never really pause to consider :

what if everything is just fine...

what if i am really doing a pretty okay job at this life thing...

what if all that i am seeing as failure and chaos is actually
the very needed pieces to all of my questions...

what if this is exactly how it is supposed to be....

what if the rules and beliefs i have bought into
are really just a crock of shit?

what if
i can rest my head tonight
and know that the bottom line is~
i have loved well,
and thats really quite enough.....

Posted by jen at 07:00 PM | link | Comments (8052)

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March 25, 2005

crayola crimes...

the details in color, canon 20d

it was me.

it was 1973.

i used a violet crayola crayon.

i snuck in during recess.

and using my left hand ( i am a righty) to disguise my printing,
i wrote the word "F***"
on the wall of my second grade classroom.

the teacher didnt see me because that was the day billy rankin walked too closely to the swingset and got kicked in the face by melissa mcginnley's black shoe. he had an explosive bloody nose.

when we returned to the room i sheepishly told
miss nagorsky that someone had written a bad word on the wall.

did i mention she was the meanest teacher in the world?

she was the meanest teacher in the world.

but she liked me that day, especially when i offered to scrub
that "filthy" obscenity off the wall.

i used Comet ("to be used for all your cleaning needs...")
and a pink sponge that smelled like mildew.

little did she know when she gave me the coveted rainbow sticker
for a job well done that i was the one who did the crime.

i did this all because i wanted her to like me.
hell, i wanted her just to tell me one time, that i was good.

i find it interesting and slighty scary that i devised this entire scheme
at the age of 7, all for approval.

the things we do for love.

Posted by jen at 03:43 PM   |   link   |   Comments (1229)

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March 24, 2005

juice...

inside the papaya, canon 20d

for far too many years i have rented out a
very large living space in my head
to fear and guilt and self-doubt.

it tends to leave my soul completely dehydrated.

maybe the gift in having your face smushed into
your biggest worries and your heaviest doubts
is that afterwards ~ those things dont hold much of a charge on you.

its like i dont even care anymore. but in a good way...

so im cleaning house... getting rid of some old tenants..
and welcoming back the juice...

you just cant ever lose your juice...

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current delights:

*listening to: morphine's "Buena" song.

*reading: the writings of beautiful maya

*drinking in: the photos of my good friend

*trying: obsessively to learn these dynamite moves.
*digging: this skirt

Posted by jen at 06:26 PM   |   link   |   Comments (408)

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March 23, 2005

easy...

beach view, cayman ~ canon 300d

i love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. i love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so i love you because i know no other way." ~ pablo neruda

its easy for me.
the loving.
it always has been.

its easy for me.
taking you in.
my heart insists.

its not hard for me
because i see you...
the real you.

your story doesn't scare me.
my story is plenty full of darkness.
and we probably have shared a thing or two...

i can listen.
and i can listen again.
i will pay attention to what you are saying.
i collect your details gently in my hands.

its okay... i dont expect you to be like i am.

but at least you know you have one person on this
planet that will sit beside you on the bench.

as i have said before, its a curse and a blessing to love
and to feel and to see everything so deeply.
as much as i love, i ache too. ive been feeling
alot of this lately...

but still, i wouldnt have it any other way.
because really, i dont think i even have the choice....

Posted by jen at 02:13 PM   |   link   |   Comments (1815)

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March 22, 2005

yup...

beautiful charlie, canon 20d

i wanted to thank all of you who nominated me for the Photobloggies Award ~ for Best Writing and for Photoblog of the Year.

im kind of blown away. if you check out the other folks im listed with, you will see why i feel like the little fish in the big pond.

really lovely and talented beautiful people are in the mix , like my dear friend Andrea.

i feel pressure to write something really profound today ~ but the truth is, i couldn't think of anything... you know how that is when you try to force things....so instead, im posting a picture of a darling boy, and hoping your day was somehow weaved with relief and kindness.

thank you again for your support. its an honor to be nominated.

and thank you Charlie for enduring that cold ass wind this afternoon
while we shot your beautiful mug. you were a real trooper.

Posted by jen at 06:18 PM   |   link   |   Comments (199)

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March 20, 2005

deliciousness...

the amazing Chef Gaetano, Canon 20d

imagine walking into a restaurant with beautiful murals, the perfect
lighting, and tulips on every table...

imagine the most charming Chef greeting you with a kiss on the cheek
and welcoming you and your friends so that you immediately feel like family...

imagine an outstanding staff attending to every single detail,
and making you feel like you are somehow really important...

imagine a menu that reads like a lovely novel and literally
whets your appetite...

imagine not even having to make a decision because
he knows exactly what
you will love...and he was right.

imagine the last time you saw the Chef working the floor
and making sure everyone is being taken care of....

imagine your meal arriving and it looks so beautiful
you are bummed you forgot your camera....

imagine being speechless over the combination of
flavor and presentation and wanting to eat really
slowly because every bite is crazy delicious....

imagine someone so brilliantly talented,
stepping fully into his passion,
and soulfully dedicated to his craft...

imagine Chef Gaetano DiBenedetto at La Piazza
410 Circle Ave.
Forest Park, IL 60302
708-366-4010

and then get on over there to experience this all for yourself.
* The secret is out so make those reservations.*

Thank you Gaetano and your lovely staff for an amazing evening....

"There are things you do because they feel right & they may make no sense & they may make no money & it may be the real reason we are here: to love each other & to eat each other's cooking & say it was good." ~ brian andreas

Posted by jen at 08:48 AM   |   link   |   Comments (1727)

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March 17, 2005

and the boot goes on.....

steppin', canon 20d

he dared me to try and sit still while the song played
~ i had to clench my teeth in the attempt to do so.
impossible!
like pavlov's dog, i am trained to move to the sound
and the beat and the pulse and the rhythm.
even when i walk i like to keep my step in time with the
tempo of the song i am listening to.

i can turn to my bongos at the end of the day,
pound it out until my palms hurt and instantly feel a relief.
that thing in my car? its my egg shaker. because
sometimes a really good song comes on and it just
screams for a little shaking from a third party.
the bruises on my hip, you already know ~ my tamborine.

im not saying im good,
im saying there is something about rhythm that is good for me.

so in honor of st.patty's day,
we took in a delightful irish band.
(i had total drum envy.)
and it took everything in me not to jump up
and dance with that cute boy
~ who by the way, would have kicked my ass
being an award winning irish stepper...

i so need the beat.

Rhythm is something you either have or don't have, but when you have it, you have it all over.~ Elvis

p.s *Gram C, when I raised my glass, it was for you...miss you so...

Posted by jen at 08:57 AM   |   link   |   Comments (1532)

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March 15, 2005

troublemaker....

this says it all, taken by courtney ~ canon 20d

i go to the trouble like a light
or like a dare
trouble is just a friend to me, i know
it'll always be there ~ shawn colvin

its not that i was a bad kid...
i just seemed to find myself getting into trouble alot....
and maybe i was a bit mouthy...
and laughed a little too much....
and i guess i was a smidge too curious...
and a little on the hyper side....
and i certainly wasnt going to back down to some punk who was being a bully.

but i did end up in the principal's office quite often.
and against the wall.
and in the corner.
and out in the hallway.

and the words "jenny needs to demonstrate more self control" and "jenny needs to curb her socializing in class" was seen repeatedly on my report cards...

but still....
i wasnt a meanie,
and im pretty sure i was never ever bored.

Posted by jen at 09:46 PM   |   link   |   Comments (1947)

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March 13, 2005

tribe...

courtney and jessica, canon 20d

someday, the light will shine like a sun
through my skin & they will say,
"What have you done with your life?"
and though there are many moments
i think i will remember,
in the end
i will be proud to say,
i was one of us ~Brian Andreas

we put in a long stretch of work on a very COLD day.
and yet i can't think of better company to have been with...
sometimes i wonder if i am going back to school because
i really love photography or because i adore my classmates so much.

either way, its a grand thing to have friends,
and even better if those friends ignite smiles
and courage and strength and laughter.

my ass is still frozen, but being with folks who feel like
my tribe, makes it all worth it.

Posted by jen at 08:10 PM   |   link   |   Comments (590)

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March 11, 2005

stuff...

seven mile beach, mamiya 645afd

A psychotic drowns in the very same stuff a mystic swims in.
~ Pema Chodron

......well damn, if this is true,
i better be one bitchin' mystical babe
by the end of this swim or i'll be really pissed.

Posted by jen at 06:38 PM   |   link   |   Comments (4307)

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March 08, 2005

peeps....

purple peeps, canon 20d

this week i had a delightful visit with a dear friend who was passing through chicago...

SARK is every bit warm, lovely, kind, generous, honest,
funny, electric, tender, and delightful as you would imagine her to be...

her dedication to this planet and the folks in it is passionately
evident in her life.

she reminds me that having a soft heart is one of the most beautiful
things a person can have.

and as she drove off in the cab, waving out the back window,
it occurred to me that my life is filled with really incredible women.

thank you susan.....

Posted by jen at 05:13 PM   |   link   |   Comments (980)

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March 04, 2005

"this one is too soft...."

Caffe DeLuca, Canon 20d

i swear, it can happen in just a split second ~

being present, feeling confident, feeling assured, feeling grounded, feeling so
comfortable in what i know....
and then the smallest thing occurs and
im spinning, im 8 years old, and ive forgetten who i am.

it could be a comment
an expression
an exchange
a song
the change in the weather
the no phone call
the empty mail box
the tone....

i hate that i am so easily shaken. i wish i could send my anchor so deep into the
earth that these winds wouldnt shift me so....
i wish i could be hard
and not think
and not care
and not feel as much as i do.

but i am doomed~
ridiculously tender.
born with an over-weight heart.
a mountain of emotion.
hopelessly soft.

Posted by jen at 07:36 PM   |   link   |   Comments (1288)

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March 03, 2005

rested...

leaf veins, sanibel island, canon 20d

a few days of rest...
a hot stone massage
steams and saunas
an ocean view
perfectly prepared oatmeal
a lushy rainstorm
sleeping with the windows open
afternoon dolphin swims
and the prettiest little leaf veins...

"each act is a rite, a ceremony. raising your cup of tea to your mouth is a rite.
does the word "rite" seem too solemn? i use that word in order to jolt you into the realization of the life-and-death matter of awareness." ~ thich nhat hanh

Posted by jen at 06:04 AM   |   link   |   Comments (930)

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