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December 29, 2004
going....
sea bowl, Canon 300d
im off on a little adventure...
....catch you in the new year :)
Posted by jen at 02:06 PM | link | Comments (731)
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December 28, 2004
southeast asia...
what can i even say about something like this?
somehow prayers just don't seem to be enough,
but it's a start....
Posted by jen at 08:35 AM | link | Comments (801)
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December 27, 2004
"this year i swear ill get in shape...."
the boys on my bathroom wall, Canon 300D
right...
how many times have i made that promise?
i suck when it comes to new years resolutions.
in fact, im so bad, i make ones that i dont even
need to make so i wont feel like a failure.
like:
i promise to stop smoking. ( i dont smoke)
i promise not to get so totally obsessed with working out. ( HA! )
i promise to be less organized and more carefree (so what else is new?)
i promise to be a little bit more wild and break a few more rules....(?!)
so yeah, resolutions aren't for me.
but i do make a list of hopeful expectations...
because i still believe writing those things down and
reading them every so often, help get those things in motion.
i won't bore you with my entire list.
it actually was pretty simple this time around.
it includes hoping for a really healthy year,
seeing more of my family,
letting go of what no longer works for me,
and of course, the given ~ days and nights of music, travel, photography,
and hard laughs.
oh yes,
i still really want to save a bird who has been gotten trapped inside
a mall. its been on my list for years, and im not giving up yet...
wishing you all your hopeful expectations and then some....
*****************************************************************
A very happy birthday to my beautiful, brilliant, brother JEFF!
Have fun on your trip ! Love you ....
*****************************************************************
Posted by jen at 03:11 PM | link | Comments (233)
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December 26, 2004
the choosing...
spilling, Canon 300D
"we are all facing choices that define us.
no choice, however messy,
is without importance in the overall picture of our lives.
we all
at our own age,
have to claim something...
even if its only our own confusion." ~ sabrina ward harrison
Posted by jen at 02:51 PM | link | Comments (2038)
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December 19, 2004
Traditions....
irish grave, canon 300D
My Mother would have kicked Martha Stewart’s ass to the curb with the holiday parties she threw. Our home during the Christmas season was amazing. I still don’t know how she managed, raising four children, cooking, cleaning, organizing, and still looking like a million bucks amongst all the chaos. Christmas Eve would arrive and before you knew it, our home was filled with my beautiful family ~ cousins, aunts, uncles, and any friends who had no place to go…. There was singing around the piano, a grand feast of delicious foods ~ including Grandma’s famous Mississippi Mud Cake, and laughter was a guarantee in each and every room. I often think about how big a role the sense of humor in our family has eased us through the darkest of times….
And now when Christmas arrives, and I think of those magical nights, and how they no longer exist , I feel sad. Maybe that’s the reason I dread this time of year so much. The traditions I knew so well are no longer here.
And I miss you.
I miss the Blackburn’s, the Christman's, the Rowader's, and the Buffalo's, the Rachner's, …. I miss your faces. I miss the laughing. I miss the music. I miss the Mississippi Mud. We are all so spread out now…Arizona, Colorado, Illinois, Texas, Florida, Alaska, Iowa, and Virginia….and some of you sadly, now heaven bound...
If I could have one wish this holiday, it would be to be surrounded
by all of you …
Do me a favor… for one minute on Christmas Eve, raise your glass and remember those times…and know that at that very moment I am
thinking of you with a mighty and full heart. And for a little added drama
~ spin a little Kenny Loggin’s ~ Celebrate Me Home and turn into a hysterical mess like you know I will be.
Love you all….so very much….
Posted by jen at 04:46 PM | link | Comments (2866)
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December 16, 2004
chasing nuns...
naked barbie, Canon 300D
And if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go chasing the nuns out in the yard
And I'll run naked through the streets without my mask on
And I will never need umbrellas in the rain
I'll wake up in strawberry fields every day
And the atrocities of school I can forgive
The happy phantom has no right to bitch
So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel
They'll be my ticket to the universal opera
There's Judy Garland taking Buddha by the hand
And then these seven little men get up to dance
They say Confucius does his crossword with a pen
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin ~ tori amos
Posted by jen at 10:27 AM | link | Comments (1223)
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December 14, 2004
imperfection.....
barn with shadow, mamiya 645afd
when i first saw this photo, i was thinking of what a beautiful time
i had on day i took it.... and then i noticed it ...
the shadow.
the shadow that ruins the picture.
(i attempted to photoshop it away, but i havent really
mastered those skills yet...)
i have never really thought of myself as a perfectionist.
in my outer life i appear casual and carefree and relaxed.
but on the inside, i demand perfection. in fact, i am ruthless.
i have standards i wouldnt expect anyone else to live up to.
i beat myself up for the smallest of shadows.
i try
and i try
to be good
and to be loving
and to live a graceful life...
but of course, i fall short. and when i do, i am ridiculous with the judgement i
dish out to myself.
and....im getting tired of it.
i spoke with a friend tonight who always seems to have room for me,
imperfections and all....thank you dear one...
thank you for reminding me i'm still fully human.
i hope i can learn to be as gentle with myself as you are with me.
Posted by jen at 05:34 AM | link | Comments (1368)
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December 12, 2004
risk...
buds at oakhill, Mamiya 645afd
It takes courage to push yourself to places
that you have never been before... to test your limits...
to break through barriers...
And the day came when the risk it took to remain
tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
Posted by jen at 04:48 PM | link | Comments (1150)
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December 11, 2004
most...
spiral, mamiya 645afd
you know the times you impress me most
are the times when you don’t try...
when you don’t even try... ~ joni mitchell
Posted by jen at 06:40 AM | link | Comments (983)
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December 08, 2004
holiday goods...
old sea bottle, Canon 300d
still trying to find that perfect holiday gift? remember to
support your artist friends....or at least consider supporting mine....
my favorite jewelry, photographs, and threads, all come from
the hands of my dear friend Andrea Scher at superhero designs....you can't go
wrong here...
needing some inspirational reads?...
SARK
Sabrina
and Keri
are the creators of my favorite books and are absolutely
lovely human beings...
Martine, Deb and Steve, Kraig, Lis, Jeff, and Chris ~ all for your musical
enjoyment....
and for you locals, head on out to Fringe UK in Geneva ~ my favorite
store around ~ and run by rockstars.
then stop by Matt and Kim's for delicious goods and thank them for making my life less of a kitchen nightmare.
consider Lightbox ~ the best custom photo lab for all your printing and developing needs ~ did i mention they also rescue stray animals? im hooked for life.
check out Brian DeWolf's beautiful prints of our sweet community.
and if the holiday rush is leaving you feeling stressed,
and you are in need a cozy winter escape ~ Sneak off to Frank's...
if im missing, that's where ill be....
Posted by jen at 07:51 PM | link | Comments (7780)
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December 06, 2004
for you....
walking angel, Canon 300d
Hold on to what is good,
even if it's a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe,
even if it's a tree that stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do,
even if it's a long way from here.
Hold on to your life,
even if it's easier to let go.
Hold on to my hand, even if I've gone away from you....
~ A Pueblo Indian Prayer
Posted by jen at 04:43 PM | link | Comments (1420)
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December 05, 2004
meditation...
bluff city cemetery ~ elgin, Canon 300D
I try… I really do.
I assume the lotus position, and focus on my breathing, but my head
has no interest in slowing down….In fact, the chatter seems to get
even louder. I am convinced traditional meditation will never work for me.
The times my mind is most still and is able to slow down is when I am doing something I love… So for me, meditation involves movement and activity.
When I am driving down a country road, and my favorite tunes are playing ~ I feel clear. And when I am taking photographs while walking through an old cemetery, I feel a stillness.
If I am riding my bike and the wind is crashing into my face, I notice I am not thinking. I am perfectly present ~ not running ahead or looking behind.
Let me sink 100 feet down into the ocean and float around the brilliant reefs and I can come pretty darn close to spiritual enlightenment (okay, not really, but it sure feels like it)
Give me a field of fingerling potatoes to dig up with my bare hands, and I will show you a clutter-free mind.
Drop me in the middle of a blue grass festival on a hot summer day
and let me dance until i am a sweaty mess
and I will give new meaning to the word "bliss"...
Oh sure, I envy you pretty little things sitting
cross-legged on your mats,
breathing slowly and perfectly ~ looking like a beautiful serene statue...
But that's one club I'll never be able to be a member of.
Posted by jen at 06:50 AM | link | Comments (594)
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December 04, 2004
confusing...
petals, Canon 300d
I believe the word she used to describe me was “stupid”.
I was a little shocked.
Since when did trying to live a life not dominated by
judgment and cynicism
get associated with the word stupid?
She was referring to the way I tend to give everyone
a chance. How I try to see the goodness in people in
spite of their hang-ups…
And how I’m “too damn nice.”
At this point I wanted to zing a one-liner at her that would leave her
head spinning. I could feel one brewing deep down. I wanted to
match her energy and basically shut her up with a slam.
(how’s that for being so “nice" ?)
But as I got closer to that place, it just felt ugly.
So I walked away. And that felt like a good choice.
But I was still mad.
Anger confuses me.
There is the initial layer ~ where I’m filled with pure emotion
and I fire back, because if I don’t address it, it will
fester inside of me.
There is the secondary layer ~ where I can see the
bigger picture, the underlying situation which is
causing the conflict… When I know engaging in the fight
of who’s wrong and who’s right is pointless, because it’s really
about something else.
And then there is the final layer where even though
I can be pissed silly at someone, I still feel compassion
for them, and where I really do feel sad about conflict
with anyone….my forever quest to keep the peace.
I do not support doormat behavior.
And I don’t’ have a problem with knowing when to
stand up for myself.
But I admit that I struggle with what to do with
the confusing emotion
of anger.
And you ?......
Posted by jen at 10:20 AM | link | Comments (2355)
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December 01, 2004
true north....
mossy pots, Canon 300d
we would purposely try to get lost in the woods, and then
look for moss growing on the trees ~ which was supposed to indicate
true North. It didn't matter that we didn't need to
go in that specific direction~ it was just the thrill of the adventure
that mattered, and somehow we always found our way home.
to be honest, im never really sure where i am going or what i am
doing with my life. so don't ask me about my long term goals
because i have no clue and i tend to change my mind like the wind.
...but i do know i enjoy taking the ride, making the trip.. and
somehow i am able to look back and make sense of the little
pieces i have collected along the way.
my desire to slip away from the stories and the choices we make to
secure our identity in eveyday life has borne fruit again and again.
to go on a pilgrimage, i discovered, you do not need to know what
you are looking for, only that you are looking for something, and the
need urgently to find it. it is the urgency that does the work,
a readiness to recieve that finds the answers ~ Janine Pommy Vega
Posted by jen at 04:49 PM | link | Comments (1551)
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