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July 29, 2011

happysad

oregon.jpg
getting an extended recess...*photo by Tracey Clark

This summer has been good for me... I've needed time to be in the sun, to work in the garden, to gather with friends, be with my love, to take in some concerts, to sit quietly out back, to do some art (thank you Kelly Rae) to take in the ocean, ride my bike, and have some really deep sleeps.

I've needed the space to to be with my grief and discover new ways of working through the waves. I am learning the curious blend of allowing myself to enjoy a happy life amongst the sadness which still is so present. I used to think those two emotions were polar opposites and couldn't exist in the same room.

But I am learning that they can. It doesn't have to be one or another.

Being sad doesn't mean I am not happy, and being happy does not mean my sadness has vanished. I realize that time has allowed this understanding to happen. It wasn't long ago that I was I was frozen in my grief, barely breathing...

I know I will never be the same. I know I will never stop wishing my Mom was still here. I know there will still be a hundred times each day that I will think of her and feel that ache.

But I am allowing happiness to enter back into my life, and I know it's important.

Mostly, I know this is what my Mom wishes for me...

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.”
Kahlil Gibran (thank you Deb)


Posted by jen on July 29, 2011 09:10 PM