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July 20, 2006
solitary......
court, ~mamiya
this shit happens to me all the time.
i just stopped off to drop another $1000 to my lawyer.
so im driving away and i swear every couple in the universe was walking on the streets at that moment . holding hands, pushing baby carriages,
window shopping for fabulous antiques for their living rooms.
i actually caught myself saying "fuck you and your damn love"..
how bitter does that make me?
i figure if i admit it it will some how diffuse it.
i was once that happy couple .
we were really happy back then....
i dont know when it unraveled, but it did.
and i feel failure and sadness and guilt and self-hate for it.
even though i am getting closer to the letting go, there
are times it hits me and i find myself wondering where the
hell my life has gone. and why i am such a fuck up.
and then i talk with friends who are married and miserable
but will never make the changes needed.
and i know deep down that this one life is all i have.
and it may be hard now, but my soul and my husbands soul deserve
true happiness. even if it takes doing what seems to be the most
scary thing in the world.
and so it goes. . .
I'm so far, so far away from it now
That it seems like I may never know how
People stay in love for half of their lives
It's a secret they keep between the husbands and wives
Baby, There goes somebody's miracle
Walking down the street
There goes a modern fairy tale
I wish it could happen to me
But I look at myself
Wonderin' if i'm just too weak
To have such faith in myself
Once upon a time I was so restless in love
When things we're fine, I changed my mind just because
Now I see how wrong and reckless i've been
Each frog has a prince just waiting inside of him
Baby, There goes somebody's miracle
Walking down the street
There goes a modern fairy tale
I wish it could happen to me
But I look at myself, and I think what the hell
Maybe I'm just too naive
To have such faith in myself
You know I'm prayin' for it
But the queen, she likes to sit on her throne
Doesn't mean you two are never alone
It's just love has needs that love only knows
Watch a couple stay close, It's like the bloom of a rose
Baby, There goes somebody's miracle
Walking down the street
There goes a modern fairy tale
I wish it could happen to me
There goes somebody's miracle
Walking down the street
There goes some other fairy tale...
I never cry out loud, I
I keep my tears to myself
But I woke up one day and I found my life had left me for someone else
I guess it must be unhappy with me
Baby, There goes somebody's miracle
Walking down the street
There goes a modern fairy tale
I wish it could happen to me
But I look at myself
Wondering if i'm just too weak
To have such faith in myself
You know I'm prayin for it
You know I'm prayin for it ~liz pahir
Posted by jen on July 20, 2006 06:43 PM
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Hey darlin
Thanks for your honesty about how much it sucks to be single sometimes. Contemplating the end of a long-distance relationship and preparing to move to the other side of the country again (what is this, like the 4th time i've done this??), I'm deep in the midst of gyspygirl goin loco for stability---roots---community. It's good to remember that there are other kindred anam cara soul friends in the world living wild and big solo lives. Peace & blessings to you dear one. You're not entirely alone even if it feels that way. You're connected and loved and held with tenderness by all that is good and life giving. Keep dancing and let that light in your soul shine on.
Posted by: Sara at July 20, 2006 09:07 PM
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I honor you and your healing. And yes, I believe what you just wrote of is part of the healing process.
Don't forget to breathe.
Posted by: Sunflowerfairy at July 20, 2006 09:25 PM
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jen,
I think we were having parallel experiences...I, too, had made a trip to the lawyer. This time to make final changes to the settlement papers which my husband will sign (keep your fingers crossed) on 7/28 and then will no longer be my husband.
I felt like a failure all day...although I know in my soul I made the right decision for me and my precious boy. I went through my maternity clothes today...the ones I had lovingly washed and folded and stored and looked forward to wearing again so Micah would have siblings...I feel hollowed out from the grief of dreams that evaporated so quickly. I know I'm better off and I'll be happy and whole again some day but days like today suck the oxygen right out of the air. (And the third day of a heat advisory in Kansas City didn't help matters any. Geez, Midwest summers SUCK!) Thank you for sharing. My friends and family are incredible support but you can articulate what I am feeling. I, too, have felt the bitterness when I see a couple with a toddler laughing in a restaurant or a dad carrying groceries to the car. It is tough to do it all on my own and keep my chin up.
I'm thanking God that I visited your site before I laid my weary head down on the pillow.
Love,
Amy
Posted by: Amy at July 20, 2006 10:48 PM
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I have been reading for a couple of months and identify with a lot of what you say because I have been there as well. This reminds me of days where it felt like the world was warm and people were happy and I was the only one cold and quiet. All I can say is, it is a cycle. It will turn.
Posted by: Kent at July 21, 2006 08:55 AM
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Big hugs and many prayers to you today and always!
Repeat after me
This too shall pass!
Love you
Jeanne
Posted by: Jeanne at July 21, 2006 09:51 AM
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Jen,
You are good.
The universe sees it.
Hang in there.
Posted by: Joy at July 21, 2006 10:10 AM
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i've been there, jen. hang on. you are right, you made the right choice if it meant freeing your heart and soul and opening up to the possibility of bliss. i was suddenly single with a newborn 8 years ago, and today i am a newly wed with a beautiful 3 year old with this partner. we are making it work, both grateful for the journey through our divorces that made us the people we are today. everyone of those hideous, painful, raw moments i lived through paved the way for the miracle of true serenity and joy i feel now. now i am a woman who can say i have tasted pain, the bitter ache, the envious rages against the world and love and happy people everywhere, and grown out the other side to be more than i could have hoped or dreamed or imagined.
many blessings to you on this journey...ride the waves and know that the light is there, even when you can't see it.
Posted by: Lana at July 21, 2006 10:17 AM
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my goosy girl,
the time to do what you feel is here and now. feelings are only tempered by the strengh of the exact moment. conviction is the tool of choice..if it feels good to your heart take two and drop me an email. if it doesn't hurt the heart, you never can feel the pleasure of one's emotion. (conviction) until you go full tilt. chat back and forth with your mom almost daily.
love to my goose pinaz
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