jen gray

Jen,

I feel for you. I'm probably old enough to be your Mom. I've spent my whole life fighting chronic depression (since 16). Went through 2 hospitalizations and 7 suicide attempts.

I feel like I'm sort of "finished" now :grin: But, I still learn more and more about self and about relationships every single day.

You might want to start watching "Starting Over" on TV. It's on TV1 and ABC every morning (different versions). I watch both of them every day and tape if I don't plan to be home.

I think you'd benefit a lot by watching it. You might also want to read anything you can get your hands on by Iyanla Vanzant -- she's one of the life coaches on the show.

You'd be amazed -- absolutely amazed -- at how many other people (women especially) are fighting a lot of the same battles as you.

I went through a divorce 27 years ago. I regret it for the harm it did to me and my EX. I regret the problems it caused for the kids. But, I *KNOW* I would not be alive today if I hadn't divorced him. Yet, he married someone after me and was married for over 13 years before he passed over. He and I just weren't 'right' for each other.

I wish you well on your journey. You have no idea how many people are helped by reading what you write. It helps to know that there are 'others' out there. PLUS, your pictures are fantastic!!

Hugs. Stay safe. It'll all work out OK. Trust that your steps are being guided where you need to go next. The Universe guides you to where you need to be either to learn more or to teach someone else.

Barbara

Posted by: Barbara at July 6, 2006 11:11 AM

i'm the good girl too...

i'm always exhausted after being around other people...

why do i keep it all up?

will my family and friends still like me if i stop pretending to be happy all the time??

i love your raw and honest thoughts.

you're a brave soul.

hugs, jill

Posted by: jill s at July 6, 2006 11:38 AM

I'll be here for you. Even through the most turbulent raging storms of anger and sadness. Equally as much through the laughs and the ah-ha's. Jen, you are so worth it.

Posted by: Catharine at July 6, 2006 01:15 PM

lots of learning going on here. the shadow is that place where our real parts go to hide because some naughty authoritarian told them to. as adults, we can see our shadow projecting on others, name it, and then wish it would go away. we ask why we have such dark sides. i have found it easier to say that "i am in a shadow today", or in this moment, and let my parts integrate. those around me are forgiving, and i forgive myself, too. my shadow is no longer to be feared. i'm trying to just be at one with all my lost parts-they exist for a real reason. covering them up with forced smiles never works. thank you for sharing and giving me a chance to declare my mission! i love you and know that you will marry all of your parts, the good, bad and ugly and you will be happier than ever. BIG squeeze, jen. xoxoxo

Posted by: pixie at July 6, 2006 01:44 PM

I read this and thought I could have written it. 39 last week and facing the reality of a divorce and very little support system. Scary. But I can't pretend it isn't.

Posted by: bec at July 6, 2006 02:03 PM

The good, the bad, the ugly... it is all you and it is all beautiful. Many of us have these same feelings and thoughts but we keep them inside and are terrified to show anyone. You are so brave to open this side of yourself to us. It is inspiring to me how open and honest you can be with yourself and be willing to show us. I wish you many days filled with sunshine and the bravery to stand in the darkness and realize that you are ok.

Posted by: Jennifer at July 6, 2006 02:27 PM

Jen, I think maybe us good girls feel like once we let out the darkness, we'll never be able to control it. We'll never be good girls again. I struggle with that.

But I am slowly coming to think that you just have to give yourself permission to BE. Be happy, be sad, be angry, be ornery, be giddy, be smart, be honest, be upset, be uncomfortable. Really, it all boils down to letting yourself be uncomfortable. It too, shall pass.

What won't pass is your inner core, which transcends everything and simply is. And your inner core is beautiful. Not pretty/ugly, not good/bad, not black/white, but enduring and strong and timeless.

Divorce sucks all-around, whether you want it or you don't. The death of your dreams is HARD. Give yourself permission to not like it one little bit. If people around you can't understand that, or can't cut you some slack, or can't stand being temporarily uncomfortable, then screw 'em.

Posted by: Laura at July 6, 2006 02:59 PM

Jen, thank-you for writing this. You know there were many days when I was sitting behind a cubile at a job that I hated and that was killing me quickly that I would read your blog. It helped me in so many ways. I felt like thank God someone is finally telling the truth. It gave me the courage and strength to make changes. It made me realize that I could make those steps without having to be perfect. I took this performance workshop a few years ago and one of the things that we had to do was fall from a standing position. It sounds so easy but I had such a hard time with it. Because I couldn't let go and was always holding on to myself. Finally, the teacher a wonderful woman named Denise Clarke (One Yellow Rabbit Theatre Company) had me come to the front of the class to watch everyone else fall. It made me cry because it was so beautiful. It wasn't ugly at all. It was so human and it made me proud to be a part of it. I realized then that the stumbling,falling, crying, and then the joy, and euphoria is what it means to be alive. Your telling the truth helped saved me and not feel so alone. It is kind of like looking at a painting that has all the right strokes and just the right amount of paint. It is pretty but it is not beautiful nor is it interesting. It doesn't move anyone because it doesn't have life in it. There is this quote from the Gnostic Gospels that I try to remember that says if you bring forth what is within you it will save you but if you don't it will destroy you. It is keeping it all in that destroys us. Here's to learning how to let go.

Blessings,

Cha

Posted by: Cha at July 6, 2006 03:39 PM

i've been good, bad, and ugly on the same day. good at getting up (even if it's past noon). Bad at not making the bed (until 5 mins. before Pat comes home)and ugly.......fixing something for dinner that even Chris wouldn't recognize. your my girl..right? x unca paul

Posted by: unca paul at July 6, 2006 04:52 PM

dearheart,

god loves the truth.
so do we.

the world celebrates in your truth.

love,
leonie

Posted by: Leonie at July 6, 2006 05:52 PM

I can so relate. I am not true with my feelings... I am the strong one. The one who holds everything and everyone else together. The one who supports, encourages and organizes. Good for you for being honest and true and thank you for opening up to all of us. It helps A LOT!

Posted by: Me... sometimes at July 6, 2006 06:26 PM

thank you all so much. good to know you all are out there.
and of course, uncle pauly, im your girl . and these days, chris eats anything. thats what living in the tundra does to a boy!
xo to all
jen

Posted by: jen at July 6, 2006 07:07 PM

Maybe us recovering good girls, the world over, can form a support group or something..
Like AA..
My name is Sally, and I am a good girl.

The more people that walk a similar courageous path, to your own- the better it will be for all of us..

So maybe, with little steps at first, all us good girls, should begin challenging that part of ourselves, and slowly, the world and ourselves will realise-
True beauty, and true love- means appreciating it ALL..

And you may not think so-
But this hiding, even if you think it's just the bad & ugly parts of yourself- it blocks out alot of your (ones) light too..

SO let it ALL shine out girl..
And let everyone be dazzled by the depth and spirit of your heart.

Posted by: sally at July 6, 2006 07:20 PM

may angels be with you, protect and guide you always. lots of love.

Posted by: alison at July 6, 2006 07:41 PM

I will still be here and with assurances that it may be a life long pursuit to give up the good girl traits, learning when they are valuable and when they are just a deflection from tending to ourselves. I've gone through many times when the good girl has been banished in favor of me,me,me because I so often forget that it has to start with me and my mental, emotional and spiritual well being before I have anything of real value to give to those that need and deserve my help and attention.

Posted by: jeri at July 6, 2006 07:52 PM

maybe it's time to change the definition of good girl!

Posted by: Nicole Bruni at July 6, 2006 09:46 PM

You're still a good girl, honey. One I'm very proud of........beautiful spirit, inside and out. Am honored to be your mother................

Posted by: mom at July 6, 2006 10:30 PM

I'm with KB........I will always be there for you too, and I am proud of you more than you will ever ever ever know. My life is better because you are in it. love you pal......

Posted by: friend at July 6, 2006 11:15 PM

Just remember that we, the readers who have grown to cherish you and your brave journey, aren't judging you the way that you judge you. I know this is something I so often have to remind myself, that others don't see me usually in the harsh ways that I see me. I went through a divorce this year myself and found so much strength in your vulnerability and honesty with all you have been through. The permission you need to be you only needs to come from you, not anyone else. I also am realizing that not every relationship, not every marriage, is meant to last forever. I still sometimes too find myself lost in this morass of anger and bewilderment and incredible sadness that my marriage didn't work out. It can feel like I am being punished for something but in my heart of hearts I know this simply is not true. We all deserve love and someone who truly gets what commitment is. If your husband bailed, its an unfortunate reflection on his shortcomings, not yours, and its opening you up to be with someone who is truly your equal in the next chapter of your life.

Posted by: Alex at July 7, 2006 02:24 AM

Pefect is boring, because it's meaningless. It is our flaws more than anything, I think, that are our beauty. Our imperfections are merely perfection made human.

While, the darkness that overcomes me at times can be hard to live with I'm afraid of who I might be without it. Better to be flung into the icy depths with plenty of room to move than flounder in the shallows and have nowhere to go.

Yep, divorce sucks, it's hard, it hurts...It's been quite awhile for me now and it's okay. One day it will be okay for you too.

Posted by: rachael at July 7, 2006 03:42 AM

It's not real love if it's not there for the ugly bits too. You are loved, and you are truthful and honest, and that's what people love most.

Posted by: Joy at July 7, 2006 08:06 AM

Letting go of our own preconceived notions about ourselves . . . letting of of the person we've always been, good or bad. . . it's so difficult. But it's one of the most worthwhile things you can do.

I forget who said this, but it is so, so true:
"You have to let go of the life you have to reach the life you want."

Good luck and go easy on yourself.

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