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June 13, 2006

the keeps and the letting go.

farm789.jpg
at the farm, canon 20 d ~ photo by brother chris


dont ever go.
and dont ever die.
and let me keep you close forever.
and i will hold on forever to everyone and everything dear to my heart.
even strangers and critters and and the old stuffed dog..

i do not let go so easily.
things have to be torn from my grip. ive always been this way.
feeling badly even about throwing away old toys, thinking
they would cry as they were tossed in the garbage can.

this year has been about letting go again
and again
and again....
of love.
of friends.
of financial security.
of control.
of comfort.
of fear.
of the not knowing.
of deep hurt.
of my home.


i havent even really had the choice.
things have been ripped from my hands
and what feels like, stolen from my heart.

and i dont know if i am just really tired from the pulling,
or if i am really learning the art of surrender,
but my hands cant seem to hold on so tightly any more.

i just dont want to have anything more taken from me.
i want to have a little nest of keeps.
keeps that are all mine forever.
keeps that i know will always remain.
keeps that i dont have to clutch on to because they will always
return to the nest at the end of the day.

dear god, ive always been good at sharing.
and i think ive been pretty good at giving.
id be so up with the idea of letting go of this letting go business.
let me pass the course so i can move on.

so as im writing this i of course have to hear this
beautiful song by david wilcox. this always happens
to me. i dont receive messages from
spiritual gurus, sermons, or tarot cards,
i receive them from cute boys with guitars.

I watched it sinking down
That treasure Id almost found is gone
I had been holding on
So long
I had to let go….

I wagered my heart and soul
All of that weight in gold and dreams
The man that I thought I should be
I had to let it go

High above the broken
Opening I see
the light of love is soaking
Welcoming me

Now that I remember
How this love can be
All of my surrender
Emptying
Into the deep blue sky
When its my time to fly
Away

I can release this weight
Now I can let it go

Now I can let go

All of this love
Ive saved
I get to let it go ~ david wilcox (his new cd is great by the way)

Posted by jen on June 13, 2006 05:46 PM

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Comments

loooove the lighting!! glad to see your brighter days seem to be at hand.

Posted by: lisa deal (nookncranny) at June 13, 2006 07:00 PM


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I heard Annie Lammott say once: 'Everything I've ever let go of has claw marks on it,' and it's so very true.

I've never introduced myself, but have been reading your blog for at least a year or more, and love it. So glad you added the comments.

I've also been divorced for 13 years now, and I can relate to much of the turmoil you've been writing about. I can tell you that there is life after the storm, so hang on sweetie. Better days are coming.

Posted by: maria at June 13, 2006 07:07 PM


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jen dearheart

your eyes seem different

really THERE and so very present
really *you*

do you know what i mean?

blessed be your journey beautiful one,
love,
leonie

Posted by: Leonie at June 13, 2006 07:59 PM


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"a little nest of keeps..." You couldn't have phrased it better.

Posted by: Amy at June 13, 2006 08:06 PM


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Oh me oh my--your words are always amazing. How do I not know you? I, too, used to cry about throwing out old toys, old clothes..etc...they all had feelings!

Posted by: Sara at June 13, 2006 09:32 PM


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Jen I haven't kept in touch as much as I should but I have followed your journey through your site. I will put finger to keyboard and send you a personal email. Remember that offer for the cottage on the beach is always there...

Cos x

Posted by: corrine at June 13, 2006 10:51 PM


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the way you say it, the way you write it, the way the photo speaks to us even without the words..keep going hon, your rounding that corner. so beautiful
xo
s

Posted by: stef at June 13, 2006 11:12 PM


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I read this beautiful entry, which softened my heart, and I was inspired by the musical muse that lives in my head&heart to send you this message:
She sees him laying in the bed alone tonight
The only thing a touching him is a crack of light
Pieces of her hair are wrapped
around and 'round his fingers
And he reaches for her side
for any sign of her that lingers

And she says, you are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight

One of them bullets went straight for the jugular vein
There were people running , a flash of light
Then everything changed
Nothing really matters in the end you know
All the worries sever
Don't be afraid for me my friend
one day we all fall down forever

You are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight

The wedding date was June just like any other bride
She loved him like no one before
and it was good to be alive
But sometimes that can slip away as fast
As any fingers through your hands
So you let time forgive the past
and go and make some other plans

You are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight
You are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight

-Patty Griffin, From "Living With Ghosts"

Posted by: DragonGirl at June 13, 2006 11:35 PM


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I come here tonight. And. there. are. comments. My heart smiles at this. Now you will know who stops by to visit, to send you a hug and light and energy.

this post. the letting go. how it gets old some days doesn't it. i sometimes just want to yell, "I get it...I get it!" but i know it will just continue. so much i need to let go of. and the reminder of this comes again tonight, as i read your words. and take a breath. and try to let go a little more. so that i can feel a little lighter every day.

Posted by: liz elayne at June 14, 2006 01:53 AM


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Sweet story. Time heals pain, both emotional and physical, never forget that!

Posted by: Double Contact at June 14, 2006 04:00 AM


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what a beauty you are...inside and out!

Posted by: friend at June 14, 2006 08:05 AM


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Oh, HONey*
this entry makes me Ake in the BEAUty of itt.
seredipitously; (honestly, b4 I even read that as you wrote this a "perfectly matched" song was playing....) a song by Ferron was playing~" Girl on a Road "
I hope I have the name right so you can download it~if you want.
I think you'd relATE.

this is your writing at it's shinningEST, sweetthang.

Posted by: delia at June 14, 2006 10:15 AM


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Your post seems to be inspiring the sharing of song lyrics. I must have played this one 10 times yesterday as I grieved and tried to let go...again. My divorce is final soon...letting go feels like it will last forever.

"One night while the whole world was turning
I left you a note
And I told you that I'd always miss you
Then I let you go
I'm living outside of some town I haven't heard of
And I think about the boy I knew
I didn' t know you could fall out of love
I learned that from you

"I Learned That From You" by Sara Evans

Posted by: Amy at June 14, 2006 10:34 AM


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One advantage of letting go is that you can realize the tensioin if your hands and wrists that come from gripping something so hard.

Posted by: beastmomma at June 14, 2006 10:57 AM


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had i known how much encouragement and support i would receive by having a spot for comments, i would have done this years ago. thank you so much....all of you....
jen

Posted by: jen at June 14, 2006 11:19 AM


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absolutely beautiful - you are - your words are - your message as always is. i am so happy you allowed comments - i think of you and your changes often - and even if the actual process is not graceful, you are.

have a beautiful day

Posted by: teresa at June 14, 2006 02:31 PM


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Since we are sharing.... this is one of my favorites. It is written about having a child with a disability, but I remember it whenever life changes...

Welcome to Holland
"When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make wonderful plans. The Coliseum, the Michelangelo David, the gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian…all very exciting. After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later the plane lands. The flight attendant comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.” Holland?!? You say. What do you mean Holland? I signed up for Italy…All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy…but there has been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you never would have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there awhile and you catch your breath, you look around and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, ”Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

But if you spend the rest of your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland."

~ By Emily Pearl Kingsley
(when asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability)

Posted by: Lonna at June 14, 2006 02:32 PM


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Nest of keeps--could not have said it better. haunting photo, but the lighting is amazing...prophetic of future happiness ahead!
again, another unbelievable message you've shared with all of us who follow your page.

Posted by: charlotte at June 15, 2006 05:25 AM


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David Wilcox seeps into your soul, doesn't he? If you haven't seen him in concert yet, you should. One of the best kinds of God Places I've ever been.
Thank-you for your beautiful words.

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Why not call it Seasons of the Soul.. FALL - A season of transition,(John14:1); WINTER - A season of Loss (Psalm34:18); SPRING - A season of New Beginnings (2Cor5:17); SUMMER - A season of Abundance (John15:11). And it is in HUGE abundance when your soul is complete!!!

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