i was with a friend and we stopped in an old church, lit candles and prayed.
when i asked him what he prayed about he said,
"well i prayed for myself of course, i sure as hell need it. "

i guess i have always thought there were so many others whose needs were greater than mine, and to pray because im sad or struggling over a divorce seems so minor compared to the rest of the trials in this world.

but i decided i had nothing to lose by giving it a shot , at least just this once.

i prayed for healing , for a lift from the sadness that has made it seem like i cant even make a step without every ounce of effort. i prayed for
patience, i so desperately want to feel normal again, and not so much like a tornado. i prayed for the map on how to find the kind of people and places that blend with who i am. its so very different back here . i have changed so much since last year, that i am crawling out of my skin feeling the strangling of the suburbs. i prayed for courage not to isolate myself which i am famous for, to not become the hermit in the woods, but to reach out to freinds and familiy who are here to help. i prayed for relief, just when i think i have it the heaviness comes sweeping back in and i feel knocked down again.
im sure its just all the transitions. there have been so many and i am exhausted.. i lastly prayed for a good nights sleep.

so i did it. the selfish kind of praying. but you know, it didnt really feel that way,
it instead felt compassionate. i know that is something god would like to see improvement on, so maybe this was just a tiny little step.